The Dreamliner

1am and we bank over the The lights of LA and then…… the dark purple of the Pacific Ocean . I was in that this morning , now we’l track it’s entire length for 14 and half hours before we meet landfall ( Aus ).We are on the new plane , 2nd flight . Please , let this not be the Titanic .Just cause it’s new doesn’t make Economy any different. It’s still long term torture . I’ve tried to prepare myself for the flight . I wanted to eat carefully , clean , hydrate , exercise , be content and then sleep . It doesn’t work that easily . The pre flight nerves accelerate body functions . Once on board it comes down to strategy . I don’t like to drink anything as I’m a mad pisser . Every half hour i’l need to take the horses for a drink . No , not up here . I ‘l hang on , but of course a secondary problem arises, flatulence . The need to fart every 5 minutes becomes an art form in release .Keep your stomach muscles tight and squeeze , but not too hard as to let it all out . It might stink and give up your position . After dinner the tension in the gut rises , but the toilets are busy . I’l wait , finally I take a leak and let out a 20 second fart . This is it , another 12 hours of this and you know what you are in for . No alcohol , no water should dry me out . Crapping on the plane is a phobia of mine , I ‘l avoid it if I can . I pop a sleeping pill , Emma has introduced the strategy , but an hour later I’m still awake . That’s when my dreariness is halted . Vomiting, I can smell it , hear it , it’s right behind me .She can’t stop . On and off for the next two hours . Flight crew are concerned , foot traffic constantly at my side .She gets up but can barely walk , the crew brace her as she gets to the toilet . I feel sorry for her but my next toilet stop is thwarted , I can’t use that toilet now . It’ll be destroyed .The next 5 hours are like this but I do get 2 to 3 hours of light interrupted sleep . Eventually another vomiting fit forces the crew to move the woman next to a toilet seat. By this time the pill has warn off . 7 and half hours left . It’s when you get to that final 3 hours that the mental battle is in full flight . We are nearly there , your arse is sore , neck stiff , bladder constantly full and an uncomfortable bowel condition dominates the psyche. Movied out , concentration span shot , flicking from show to show .Breakfast is the saviour as you can at least focus on something . After breakfast it’s Groundhog Day ; farting , needing to pee , probably poo and constantly eyeing off the toilet .With one hour to go daylight pierces through windows and then dark green . We are over land . Nearly , nearly . Finally , we’ve landed and of course we are stuck on the tarmac for 30 minutes as there is literally no available bays to dock in . And there it is , finally we are in the terminal . We are back , ridden the new Dreamliner and are on the 2 hour drive back . Ahhh , it’s good to be back