Holy shit

I’m writing this now knowing that my beautiful wife Emma is also going to find out about this morning . If only I could unfriend her and re friend her later so she wouldn’t find out . Once again as soon as we open the door in the morning old mate pays us a visit . It’s quiet , the kids are asleep , I’m sitting on the couch looking at Facebook and all is serene. Little Teddy( Marcus’s dog ) is the warning that old mate is about to thump his way up the stairs and barge in . Sure enough he’s in the house , asking questions and giving advice with his booming voice before we can even look up .Emma comes in to quieter him as the kids are asleep . It’s become clear that the world revolves around Marcus . I show him Aussie rules on my phone . He reckons it looks easy and a game that he could comfortably play . I laugh and say sure , just wish you were playing when I was . “What do you mean by that Troy ? “. “Oh nothing , ( would’ve cleaned him up . He’d need his whole body replaced , not just his knee ) , just saying , that’s all .” “What coffee you drinking “, he asks . “Better than the shit you guys drink , it’s Nescafé .” ” Ive got something better.” he says . He comes back with a small coffee bag of Starbucks . ” You’re joking , I hate their shit coffee “. ” No it’s really good , give it a try “, he says .While the kettle boils he’d brought his girlfriends dog in to play with Teddy . I needle him constantly about the bad coffee here . He replies that he lived in Aus in the 80s and coffee was horrible then . ” Not anymore buddy “, I reply ……….. And that’s when I hear it . “Oh know , it’s shit ! “. “Our coffee? ” , I reply . “No ! On your floor . The stupid little bitch isn’t as smart as Teddy and she’s shit on your floor ” Holy fuck , the dog has taken a dump on the lounge room floor . He grabs tissues and clumsily picks it up and races to flush it down the toilet . Leroy has just woken up and is standing there frozen . He’s wondering if it’s a bad dream but the pungent stench of dog dung has soon brought tears to the eyes . Marcus leaves . I’m using disinfectant wipes to clean the floorboards whilst dry retching . Fuck , this surely can’t continue like this . I take a drink of the Starbucks and I’m sure it’s got some of the shit off the floor in it . It goes straight down the drain .A couple of hours later I’m about to leave for the spa for a quick hit and run mission when I hear him calling my name . “Troy ! Are you going somewhere ? You wouldn’t believe it but I left my keys in the car with the ignition turned on over night . Can you please give me a jump start before you go “. I can believe it ………..but I hope Emma doesn’t