I harboured a lot of guilt for not throwing my hat into the ring . Ok they’re old but it still doesn’t matter . It’s an Australian mainstay , big everywhere , particularly the northern states . I told ole mate across the road that I’d found him a perfect outlet . Somewhere he could hang out an annoy folk of the same vintage .
“Ok , Troy when do we do it ?” , Marcus asks . “Nahhhh , Mate . Not we , you . You don’t need me to hold your hand . You can harass people your own age .” Weeks passed , with still no join up . I kept at him to join . He constantly tells me he’s an athlete and nearly went pro . Ole mate isn’t short on pumping his own tyres up . ” Mate this will be perfect for you . With your athletic prominence and red hair you’l be a superstar down there . You’l practically be the ginger LeBron in geriatric circles . ” “Oh , shut up Troy . You know I really was a fucking handsome man in my day .Fuck I was good looking ” , ole mate declares .
“Hey , where are you ? I’m down here getting a lesson . I told them you’re coming .” ” Did you really ? ” , I reply . “Yes , that’s what we agreed on , remember? ” “Fuck you’re unreal “, I reply I never agreed to any such thing …,I get there an ole mates voice is already booming . Shit , I want to be here , but not when ole mates there . The oldies aren’t gonna take to him I reckon . Before we start he asks me if they supply food as he’s feeling faint . ” I dunno , mate ,You’ll have to ask them . ” He asks if they have any food , declaring he doesn’t have any money at the same time . I’m cringing as he’s made it obvious that I’ve brought him to the club . The old women just stare at him , but fortunately Tony steps in and offers him a bowl of choc chip cookies and a bottle of water on the house .Tony happens to be an Aussie from Sydney who moved here in the 70s . He’s still dinky dye , with an accent unchanged . We obviously get on straight away . I’m on Tony’s team . It wouldn’t be any other way . Add Pauline from Manchester ,England and we’re the Commonwealth trio . Ole mates on the yanks team . We gotta beat those fuckers .
I start well . I’m head to head with ole mate and get the 1st two bowls closer to the jack . We lead the 1st end until the yanks skipper knocks my ball out and gives them a one shot lead at the 1st end . A few ends down I’ve had the better of ole mate and he’s starting to whinge about the weight of his balls , after declaring that he’d need a heavy ball in the 1st place . With all his experience ( he’s quick to know everything ) Still ,our team is getting a beat down as we quickly trail 7 zip . Ole mate then hits a purple patch as he rolls the jack deep as a tactic . It works and he continues with the tactic , ignoring his skipper for a shorter ball .Then the bragging starts .He whispers into my ear , ” These people don’t realise they’re competing against an athlete who would’ve been a pro and potentially a star if it wasn’t for injury ” Then there was his golf skills . They gave him an edge at this type of game , he declares . There was jokes about him always being hard, and how he likes a wet surface , and how it is good to see older women still willing to get down on their knee or bending over with a ball in their hand . All within ear shot .. Oh Geezus , this is what I feared . ” Shut the fuck up will you . You keep repeating yourself “, I tell him . He beats me 3 or 4 ends in a row and I’m quietly brooding . All the while the self adulation continues . 
Eventually the tactic of ignoring his own skipper by rolling the jack deep backfires , as his team mates go off the boil . We start to win . We’re still down 10 to 2 but the momentum swings . I come good and beat him down like a little bitch over the next 3 ends . It’s 10 all now , and it’s declared that this will be the deciding end . I rest my ball on the jack and follow up right behind it . Ole mate falls apart ….. Luv it . We win the last end to take it out 14 10 . ..”Mate , I’m telln yas , the commonwealth doesn’t lose to the yanks in lawn bowls ….. period “. Marcus declares that he needed a lighter ball and I probably had the weight he needed ……I just smiled like a Cheshire Cat . “Of course you do “
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