Just when you let your guard down he strikes . Yesterday at 525 pm I was cooking the kids and our meal , whilst trying to push Leroy to get his homework done all the while knowing we had to leave for a baseball game at 6pm . From the corner of my eye I see the white fluffy hair of Teddy the dog and the unmistakable stoop of ole mate Marcus . Before I could say a word they were both inside advancing to the kitchen . I take a deep breath , look up and say ” God , Why now “. Ole mate has that big stupid grin and then precedes to hang shit on me for cooking like he always does . He can’t get his head around the idea that the dad would cook and the mum would work ,and also cooking at home was seldom done in his previous lifetime . It’s been a treat to once again leave our front door open now that Marcus has left, but it still leaves you vulnerable to the surprise visit . He comes up to hug me ,but as I always do I let him know that Aussies do not man hug . It’s not our thing .
” Hey Troy what are you cooking ? You got enough for Teddy and I . “. “Ahh , no mate . I didn’t know that you were invited “, I reply . ” Is that chicken from Vonns in Hermosa “, he asks whilst using his fingers to grab a piece of the warm soft meat that I was about to add to the kids fettuccine. Marcus has no boundaries .Whats yours is his when it comes to food . I shake my head and try not to think about the cigars and joints that his fingers have grasped . Still he has no problem in grabbing a 2nd piece and then throwing a portion down onto our floor for his dog . ” Ya fucken right are ya ?” I bleat . ” What’s the matter Troy , there’s more than enough there to go around “. ” Fuck I didn’t know that it was you who get to decide . Left overs can be used for lunch . Plus who knows where your dirty hands have been .” ” Troy I’m always clean and you should be inviting me for dinner . That’s what true mates do “. I look at him and shake my head . He asks if I’ve seen the neighbour Lori , an attractive older woman next door . He then proceeds to tell me that I should be trying to fuck her on the side . ” Ahhhh mate is that why your ex is trying to ruin your life . I don’t think it works that well in the long run .”
I direct him to a couple of magazines on the Mornington Peninsula to show him where we come from . He sees the cafes and the coffee and asks how much they cost . When I tell him $4 to $5 depending on what you order he cries that it’s too expensive and that he gets a cup from Starbucks for $2.55 . That’s like throwing a red rag to a Bull when it comes to my opinion on coffee . ” Oh faaaaark off Marcus , don’t even go there , that shit franchise can’t even get a foothold in Australia ,just like it’s cousin Gloria Jeans that went bankrupt over there . “. I look at the clock and we’ve got 15 minutes before we have to leave . No ……….. this is the worst . I’m trying to get him out but he wants to hang around as his Chicago Cubs are playing the LA Dodgers on tv , and to rub salt into the wound they are hammering the Dodgers in an upset . It’s when he finds out that Leroy is playing baseball soon that really puts my head in the noose . “Great , where’s he playing . I’m going to come down and watch “. “Maaaate , I told you before it’s not a good idea . Emma doesn’t want you there and a few of the other women are uncomfortable in your presence . Plus you’ve got too much to say and people are sensitive here .” “Fuck , Troy …. I won’t say anything and can go where ever I want . ” “Fuck , Marcus do you have to . I prefer you don’t come “. ” I’m going .” “Oh my god , you don’t get it , you are not welcome .” ” Troy I’m going , and I’ll be quiet “. ” Fuck me dead , if you come you’ve gotta sit away from the grandstand behind the fence away from everyone “.
There’s history . I mentioned a time that Leroy was playing basketball on a previous date . He showed up out of the blue with his dog , walking across the front of the court in grand entrance style . It was bewildering when he then began to trash talk Leroy’s coaches and was reprimanded by one of the mums . The cringe and embarrassment was awful . I could’ve dug a hole through the floorboards . Remember I said don’t come to baseball ? He came .Remember I said don’t sit next to everyone else ? ……He sat right in the fucking middle of everyone .
I can’t watch the game as he’s always trying to talk to you , discussing kids techniques , nodding at me to check out the mums arses , asking who’s rich and what they do and have and why Leroy is fielding there or batting here as he’s too good to be wasted , all within earshot of everyone else . His dog then starts humping another family’s dog so Marcus let’s go of the lead and tells Teddy he’s a naughty boy whilst laughing . Ohh fuck this is looking like a train wreck . Theres still the major problem of Emma turning up and a potential showdown .. …again . I am as relaxed as someone marching to the gallows . Did I say there was a kids baseball game on ? Emma turns up and rolls her eyes . Kim and Bill our neighbours give me the sideways look . Just then Leroy and another kid both go for a sky ball and at the last second the kid opts out and Leroy lunges low but drops it . ” He blew that Troy .” , yells Marcus . ” They’re 8 year olds Marcus ….. and the other kid got in his way .” ” He should’ve called him out , that’s what a good outfielder does . The coaches have gotta teach them that .” , Marcus says within earshot of anyone who wants to know . Eventually I sit next to Emma , she tells me she was about to tell him to leave but didn’t want to cause a scene , amen . Leroy comes into bat and hits a nice bomb into the outfield . Marcus then decides to leave, but as he passes he tells us that he told Leroy to change his action and that is why he hit it so well . …”Of course you did mate ……… See ya”.
Emma looks at me with eyes that could kill
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