“Mr .Howard , I’m wondering if you would be of some assistance in the classroom ? “Sure , what do you need ? That’s the moment I’d like to take back . It’s not like I don’t want to help but it’s the kind of help that matches my skill set . You see , many people probably assume that I’m pretty handy with the tools on account of me working for 25 years in the construction industry . I’m pretty handy with my personal tools but when it comes to hammers , drills , jigsaws and all that handyman shit , well …….. it’s fair to say that silicone is my strong suit . Hey ,I’m a caulker , if I was handy I’d be a carpenter .My problem is Leroy’s teacher thinks I’m a goddam builder . Mrs .Dunne wants me to pull apart tables made in the 70s , readjust the legs ( they’re adjustable ) and add screws to legs that are missing them . I do this whilst she teaches the class .
Mrs.Dunne, she was the teacher that no one wanted . There’s plenty of parents who dreaded the year ahead , and there was ensuing drama . I on the other hand think she’s fine , but she is disorganised and hyper , she can’t sit still . There were warnings from parents of previous years , stories of even one parent running around picking up her laundry , true story . For me , I needed those warnings earlier . She’s a classically beautiful woman , but old style , she could’ve been on Leave it to Beaver or any of those 60 and 70s sitcoms as the lean angular teacher with that formal approach . If she gets hold of you she’s not shy in asking for your help and as I’ve said before …..I’m soft . I’m a little panicked when I’m to pull apart tables that must be 40 years old . Shiiit , I’m sweating in no time as try to pry and unscrew bolts that are practically welded together , all the while keeping as quiet as possible . I eventually loosen the 4 legs on one table for it to suddenly drop , pinching my hand between the metal leg and sleeve . I don’t react but underneath I’m screaming “Fuck !!! . After 3 hours I’ve achieved the near impossible in my eyes . The task is complete ………
Next day …”Mr.Howard , can I please grab you for a quick favour . ( she knows I’m free ) . I’ve been thinking about the tables you adjusted yesterday . I think it’s better we change them back to there original heights.” Ohh fuck no , please this can’t be . The little voice in my head tells me to say no , there’s waves that are pumping this morning , by the time you’re finished the winds will be onshore . “Ok , sure “. WTF did you say yes for ? Unfortunately it is the beginning of a recurring theme . Mrs.Dunne asks a favour , I say yes even though I mean ‘no ‘. A week later she gets me to take the tables off the legs and replace the table tops with new ones she’s found . Once again I’m in a panic as I try and line up screws , drills and other shit I’ve got no idea about , all the while I’ve got an audience of kids and passing teachers that think I’m Tim the tool man . Fortunately a passing father( thank you Dave Jacobson ) bringing in his late child ,he steps in and quickly buzzes in the screws while I line up the table top , further more making me look like a stud . Next Monday it happens again …”Mr.Howard ?” Ohhh fuck no . “If you don’t mind I have some flat packs coming in tomorrow that need to be put together , are you available. Just say no the little voice says .”Yes , sure “.
To my horror , there are half a dozen boxes from IKEA waiting for me next morning . Holy shit this can’t be . You fucken idiot !! the little voice cries . Sure enough 4 hours later I’ve completed my gravest assignment yet , I’m almost inclined to rush home and and down a couple of coldies before lunch on a week day , but I think better of it . Next Friday I’m to put together a bird bath and stick it to the window . Days later I’m replacing hooks on the wall , then there’s more hooks to be fitted for the school bags . I’m practically doing an apprenticeship for my sons grade 2 teacher . She gets me to load and unload her car on multiple occasions, I’m going to the office to cut and pick up paper and various other small tasks that a gopher has to do . The following week she wants me to use a jigsaw that she has borrowed to shape new table tops in the shape of kidneys . She has an obsession with tables . That’s when I shit myself . The guise is up , I confess that the task is beyond my ability . Holy shit, about time genius , the little voice rejoices . She is shocked but accepts my call , hallelujah. For the next month I wait at the bottom of the stairs so as I’m out of her reach , it works …….for a bit . …….”Mr.Howard ?” …ohh no . This time I’m tracing kids and helping them paint themselves , this I can handle . 
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