It’s the Labour day long weekend ,Emma and Leroy head off to Lake Arrowhead on Friday morning , they will share a house with two other families . Tex and I will catch them Saturday afternoon after I work the morning shift . Tex stays at the Terranea Resort overnight , which is not too far from me . 
It’s an inauspicious start to the day , I’ve woken up very stiff after a muscle strain in my lower back ,to add to that I’ve developed a hemerrhoid the size of a cherry . I’ve got an idea , I’ll rub on some Mamma D’s , a 2400 milligram CBD lotion !Thats potent . It reduces the swelling quick and to add to the ibuprofen I’ve taken for my back I feel pretty good . 5 minutes into the drive I notice a relaxation deep in the loins . 10 minutes later , it’s more than that now . It could be just a coincidence but I need to get to work quick …….I might shit myself . It’s a miracle I get to work , somehow I make it with no more than 1 second to spare , all the while gracefully cruising through the facility with a smile and a nod to passing clientele and work mates . By the time I leave I notice the drive time to Lake Arrowhead on google maps lists it at 1 hour 54 , not too bad .
I text Tex …. ” You ready ? I’ll be there in 15 “. ” No , I’m not coming ” ” Pigs arse “, I reply .Several messages ensue, with Emma on the thread . Eventually I’ve got him , we head home to pack with the plan of leaving by 130 . 330 , I can see it now 
But this is LA and when you drive the freeways here you’re always vulnerable . As soon as I plug in my ETA to Lake Arrowhead I notice it’s now a 2 hour 20 minute drive , by the time I hit the 405 I notice the drive time has extended to 2 hours 34 minutes and I’ve already driven the first 15 minutes . Tex is oblivious , he’s in the back seat playing on his phone . 
One things for sure , the brakes get a workout , several times the anchors are pulled on hard . “OMG !! Dad ,what the hell are you doing ! “. “Shut up , this is what happens in LA ” , I reply . I’m getting frustrated , an hour in and the traffic is still solid with continual speed changes from 70 miles ( 110ks ) down to a stop . This continues , so does Tex . ” Shut the fuck up will you .” ” No Dad , you watch the road .” Then it happens …..
We come to a complete stop …….and stay stopped . 2 hours tick by , then 2hrs 15 . Maps still hasn’t adjusted the ETA , apparently we are only 40 mins away , like we were 15 mins before . I’ve turned the engine off , the temperature is 100 degrees (38 Celsius ) . Tex is bitching , I’m bitching , horns are tooting ,I’m looking on the net but I can’t find anything , all it says is there is a slowdown . Meanwhile Emma’s sending photos of beaches , lakes and cocktails . Then it sinks in , the other side of the freeway has no traffic . Tex informs me he needs to take a dump . ” You are fucking kidding me , you’ll have to drop it in the bag of cheetos cause we’re going no where .” I inform him . ” I didn’t want to even come , now I’ve gotta shit in a bag on a freeway surrounded by a thousand people !”, he yells . I get out of the car and look down the road , there’s people on the road , but nothings coming . We are not moving . Cars are turning around , it’s bedlam . ” Tex , I’m turning around .” No , we are now getting closer . ” he replies . We crawl another 50 m and then I do it , I turn around and push head on into the oncoming maul and then file into the emergency lane . Tex doesn’t like it , we bicker non stop ,but it pays off when I eventually exit via the on ramp . 3 hours have gone by , I’ve got a sore arse , a sore back , a sore head and Tex needs a shit . 
This photo is actually the on ramp of the 91 freeway , but we’re exiting . It turns out that a woman was standing on the overpass threatening to jump . The cops had shut it down both ways . To make things worse they got her down unscathed but then a police car speeding to the scene t- boned a Caltrans truck . The road was shut for another 90 minutes . The surrounding roads were gridlocked .Tex lost the urge to relieve himself and we got back on the freeway at the 3 hr 20 mark . The last 40 minutes were a spectacular ascent up the San Bernardino mountain range , all the while Tex was continually yelling for me to watch the road as I pointed to views with one hand on the wheel . With 4 hours ticked off I finally lose it . Maps kept circling us around our destination , I blame it on maps . ” It’s not my fucken fault , it’s this stupid phone . ” It is your fault dad , you re getting us lost .” “Fuck you ” No , Fuck you . Get the fuck out every the car .” ” No ! Get us unlost . ” ” Fuck it , I’m turning this car around and we are going home . ” ” Good , Tex replies . We are very close but the roads are like driveways that circle through a labyrinth of tall conifers and beautiful timber cottages . Emma calls , she’s lose on the juice and asks us what we are doing . She’s following us on a phone tracking app . I’m raging .”Fuck this , #*#t of a joint ,stuff is spewing out of my mouth . For the first time all day Tex is also cursing in agreement with me . This is all been broadcast on speaker on Emmas phone within earshot of the other families . Emma walks to within view to find us . We are here 4 hours and 10 minutes after leaving . 
Bill hands me a beer , everyone looks at me . It’s gonna be better now
aussiehowieinla 