Black Betty

I sniff the breeze pretty early , theres no plain Jane in this neck of the woods . It was 8 weeks before we finally acted and started the daunting task for a 2nd time . It’s intimidating when you get out of your comfort zone . I stand out like a sore thumb , climbing out of Emma’s little Beama , approaching the yard with confidence , knowing full well I haven’t a clue or much interest in this area . 10 grand ,that’s all I’m willing to part with , which is more like 12 and half Australian . I thought I’d find a car cheap , everyone always said they were less expensive in the States ,and they are when you buy them brand new . 2nd hand? I don’t think there’s much difference to Australia . The car yards selling your second hand vehicle all sit inland in places like Hawthorn,Gardena and Inglewood . Out here your car dealer is hardened , he or she has a dossier implanted on each stereotype that enters their lot , when they see me jumping out of Emma’s sports BMW with the added bonus of an Australian accent , it’s like lamb to the slaughter .

“Sir, I’ve got a lovely Mercedes , going for just $18000, or how about this beautiful Suburu Forrester for just $17500.” “Nah mate , not my cup of tea “, I reply. After a while it gets tiring, a growing resentment builds . “Mate I just want a cheap old battler that’ll be reliable , last 5 years and is under 10 grand , not a fucking cent more.” This becomes my line that I continually repeat , but still they start with the upsell … Eventually I’m thinking stuff it , I’m gonna get a bomb . I’ll get something that stands out around town . I settle on one that I like , a 2001 gold Lincoln station wagon ,with giant electric sun roof , 250000miles on the clock and a beat down look that only a pimp could love .Going for just $5400 , perfect . If you’ve ever read the book ‘My brother Jack ‘ , this is how I start to feel , I want to be anything but conforming and this little beauty will get heads turning all day long in Hermosa Beach ……the kids will love it …..not .

I show Emma , she’s not impressed , Leroy thinks it’s great because of the sun roof( he’s always had bad taste ) , Tex thinks it’s pure trash .He’s right . Eventually I have to let the Lincoln go and settle on the alternative , a 2006 Nissan Pathfinder for $9000US . At first I feel she’s not too bad ,she’s practical , has 7 seats and most importantly fits the surfboards in . Cool . I’ve never bought a car brand new and I’ve no intention in starting now . What’s starts off shiny and new soon loses it’s lustre . Black Betty never had any lustre to start with . It wouldn’t take long before she’d be able to do what I had envisaged with the Lincoln .

“Your car is a piece of shit ,dad ” I just smile . ” Don’t drop me off here , go around the corner .” ” Don’t come to the school parking lot , meet me in the McDonalds car park .” “This car is a fucking embarrassment .” “I only want mum to pick me up ” “You drive the worst car of all the parents I know .” ” This piece of crap is the worst car in town .” The more I hear it the more I want to drive her where he is . I drop Tex off and I make sure I toot the horn ,he hates it . I love it . She’s black , it takes no time before a fine coat of LA salt and dust covers it but I resist washing her . I don’t care , the rougher , the more down beaten she looks the more Tex is embarrassed and the more satisfied I become . I drive him around a lot at the moment . I make sure she gets driven aggressively, the old Melbourne Troy is finally back . Black Betty takes no prisoners and Tex detests it . The air conditioning only works at 50 (80 kilometres per hour ) miles per hour . When we got stuck on the 91 shutdown for 2 hours , the 100 degree heat wasn’t a lot of fun. I smiled to myself when I shut the engine off . I knew it would come . “Fuck dad , what’s wrong with your car ? Why doesn’t the aircon work ?” “Fuck why did you buy this piece of shit “. I laugh . She has a spare tyre but I can’t change it . I discovered that the hard way . When I bought her I didn’t check the tyre kit , it doesn’t have a crank bar . This hooks into the back and lowers the chain with the spare tyre on it . I’ve chased it up but each time the language barrier ( the accent ) has made it a near impossible task . I’m always referred to Nissan . At $220 I’ve resisted . It’s practically a weeks wage for ‘some ‘. Every day and night there’s that feeling that a flat tyre could be a major pain in the arse , especially considering that AAA ( our version of RACV ) do not carry crank bars , meaning that all they can do is pump it up so I can race to find a tyre joint , which has happened twice so far .

I park her in the street and smile ………. she’s the worst car in the street , probably in the bottom ten cars in the whole of town …….. I nod my head ……. good girl .