Did I say I was soft ? …….” I’ve been told you are the best caulker in all of LA “. …….I laugh , “I don’t know about that mate .””No seriously you’ve been recommended with the highest of reputation.” …”I really need your help Troy .Can you help me ? ” ” Ahh …..ok . ” “I live just down the 405 Troy , not too far from Hermosa ” ….Shit .
I have to go to a guys joint in Bel Air ,we decide on Sunday . His place is leaking and he wants me to go there and see if I can help him . He got my phone number from a school dad .What do I do ? I guess I at least have to check it out , but then there’s the other me . “Why go ? You haven’t got any tools ,no ladders , no roof racks ,no supplier .And where’s BelAir ? Say no you fucker .” ….”Ahh …ok , I’ll see you there at 11am next Sunday .” ..”WTF did you say yes for ! ”
The weekend approaches , but I know I’ve got work on Saturday and now I’m committed to Bel Air on Sunday . I look at the weather map and it quickly dawns on me that the weather looks awesome and low and fucken behold a new northerly swell is forecast . ” I told you to say no , dickhead .” That means no drinking Friday or Saturday night. 
Come Sunday morning I’ve got an hour or so to hit the waves . I do , but it’s been a while and the tide isn’t right . I get out there and surf like a fucken useless prick .I leave frustrated and just pissed , I look over my shoulder with a tear in my eye . The waves are just starting to pump, but I’m off to Bel Air .
This is what I love about LA ,no matter what day ,what time ,the freeways will be stopped .A 34 km drive at a projected 34 minutes on a Sunday morning in perfect weather soon becomes a 55 minute drive . 
The notorious 405 freeway with all of its 8 lanes is at a crawl . Now I absolutely know why I didn’t investigate the caulking route .Who’d want to drive to and from construction sites in LA traffic in midweek traffic ? Not a fucking chance when your getting paid peanuts .
“Ahh gday mate I’m here to see Ury ” The guard to the the gated community looks confused .
Of course it quickly computes that he can’t understand me . I repeat everything in slow motion . He then rings Ury , but Ury isn’t answering . “Perfect dickhead , I told you to say no .” Eventually I decide to ring him myself , but guess what ? There’s no phone coverage . I decide to drive back a kilometre for better coverage and ring Ury . At’s at this point I have to tell you that this place is beautiful . There’s nothing LA about Bel Air . I know that sounds wrong , because Bel Air is LA ,but this suburb is super exclusive , wealthy , treed and manicured . I haven’t been to the South but I imagine this could be Georgia in the Deep South , plantation style without the the plantations . The gate house is preceded by two security vehicles with one guy leaning up against his car with full swat style attire ,gun and holster clearly visible . It’s later explained to me that this isn’t Australia, people get violently robbed in wealthy areas and the paranoia of its potential is obvious in Bel Air . I get thru , head back to the gate and cruise in with ‘black Betty ‘ ( 2006 Pathfinder ) , she’s outta place , only range rovers ,Porsches and Mercedes here , all black of course .I suppose she’s black ( my Nissan ) , that’s something .
I ring the bell of the front door , it’s only 4 meters tall . No answer , I repeat….no answer . ” Last chance dick head , get out whilst you can and just ghost Ury , don’t answer his number .”I text him , he comes down and lets me in . It turns out that none of the phone calls or the door bell could be heard because Ury ‘s daughter is playing the piano and nothing could be heard .
Eventually we go through a series of minor problems. Firstly , rain occasionally blows under the door . Like geezus mate , it might happen twice a year ,but a weather strip on the bottom of the door should solve it . The window frames have pulled away from the render .. I’ll fix that . The roofs leaking on the chimney exit . I get up and it appears the chimney is not even flashed , true ….. next thing you know I’m up there hanging by my balls over the edge ,shoving plastic in the gap in case it might rain . We’ve got a 20% chance forecast for Wednesday . If it rains it’d be the 1st time since March .
“Can you do it for me Troy ?” ” All you need to do is hire a 30 foot ladder (10 meter ..WTF!) , ring some window companies and find an appropriate weather strip , buy the materials and I’ll pay you $300 a day . “. Ahh ok .
After spending 3 hours , yes 3 fucking hours , which included sitting out in the pool house for 45 minutes whilst Ury drove his kids to practice and then eating lunch with him on his insistence , which mind you was an excellent calzone and salad I got outta there .But now ? “WTF dickhead , now you’ve dug yourself in deep , you’re not even good at this shit . The caulking yes but the other shit ? ….. hiring ladders , ringing window companies ……mate the joints gotta be worth $10 million …no exaggeration and some how you’re project managing ”
Ahh ok ……shit
aussiehowieinla 