Let’s go to the supermarket . I need to grab some mineral water and tea bags , besides it’s wet and miserable outside . It’ll give us something to do ………famous last words .
I head to the underground car park . It’s the easy get in, get out spot that I often use . Whoa ,it’s packed down here , must be the rain ……..I think ? My brains starting to kick in , by the time I get to the top of the stairs I realise what’s up . Panic mode has migrated across the Pacific and now it’s our turn . The car park is gridlocked , with cars lined up off the street to get in . Shit , should we turn around and go back ? Nah , I’ve gotta see this for myself .
I’ve been sitting at home scrolling social media for the last 3 weeks , actually make that 3 years , but anyway you fuckers down there in Australia have been dam embarrassing. Fancy fucking going on a toilet paper stampede , you fucking idiots . Now the trend has spread and we’re all fucked . Just like planking , yeah remember that trend ? At least that was useful . There was some great X rated planking manoeuvres that could be put into practise , but this dunny roll rampage ? Nah ,you’ve fucked it up for the world this time . I was actually cringing watching all the Facebook toilet paper shit that was being posted . I was worried that I’d be questioned about it here , but of course why would I be ? The yanks aren’t watching our social media . Thursday the 12th of March , the day we hit panic mode in the States .The day the toilet paper situation shit itself good and proper . The following day …..Friday the 13th , it lived up to its reputation .Total chaos . The day all those dooms day preppers celebrated big time . “Let’s get the bunker locked down siss , I’ll bring the ukulele.”
If there’s ones small positive ,it’s that special talent us caulkers have in common ….we’re handy with a newspaper . We can cut those fuckers into nice little squares that can fit into the palm of your hand just nicely . Yeah ,I know what your gonna say …the newsprint stays on your skin ,but who cares ? Who’s gonna see your arsehole ? Here at the Howard household I’ve finally found a reason to start buying the newspaper again ( sorry Ben ) . Looks like it’s gonna get tropical real quick . A few tips …No vindaloo , beans , mung beans or any spicy shit ,and be careful with the ice coffees ….fucking lethal . 17 rolls , that’s what we’ve got . I’m guessing a weeks worth now that the world has stopped and we’re all stuck at home .
Oh yeah , I forgot . The supermarket . I have pride . I’m not rushing around like a dipshit just cause there’s a deadly pandemic threatening the planet . We’re here to get mineral water and tea and Ahh …shit ,I better check the otherrr…aisles . God dam it , now I’m twitching .Every fucker and I mean a lot of fuckers have trolleys stacked with toilet paper , hand towels , cleaners , sanitizing products and meat .Yes meat . I power walk to the toilet paper aisle but the very last 24 block of plain label sandpaper grade is snapped up within 3 feet of diving distance . Nah , I was just looking ….never would’ve grabbed it anyway .Emma says it’s too rough . ………I blame my brethren on this . You dipshits down under started this trend . Anyway let’s get to the beer aisle and load up .
Well here we are . 4 weeks of total lock down at a minimum . A holiday cancelled . Emmas mum within 2 weeks of flying over to California for the 1st time having to shelve her plans . Yeah I’m being selfish . I know it’s for the right reason but it’s disappointing . We’re all in the same boat . Jut like 9/11 this is a time that is surreal and something we’ll remember . Bunker down kiddies …it’s gonna be interesting …. Ration 2 squares per wipe and a maximum of 3 wipes .
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