Well dawgs , we’ve been back at the bunker for 6 weeks now and our destiny is still clear as mud . Home is ……… yeah , I don’t think we really know , but we still see it on a continent surrounded by water in the Southern Hemisphere.
We walked and walked and walked some more . Leroy is desperate , in pain . The terminal runs and goes and still there is no respite . Where the fuck are the toilets ? After exiting our flight from Fiji , via Sydney via Melbourne , without a wink of sleep the terminal exit to the immigration checkin must be close to a kilometre long , and I’m not joking . It makes the the Jetstar terminal at Tullamarine look like a sprint course . Normally a long walk after 18+ hours of flying wouldn’t bother you a bit , but when you’ve got a child who needs a pee without a toilet along the thoroughfare ( who designed this fucking joint !) it becomes another reason to grind that jaw . On entering the partition area at border security the restroom sign to the immediate right signals that the storm has past . Thank Geezus for that , it was about to get salty ,and wet and awfully pathetic for the little guy . We’ve finally navigated the worst .
Border security at LAX is like being inducted into prison . I’m not joking . The staff here are as hospitable as the security guards at Laverton Maximum security . I outta know , I’ve been to both . Fortunately for us we are a family , a white English speaking family who just happen to be residents of “the land of the free “ . Previous experience tells me that we get a good run when it comes to clearing customs . Families and kids get through easier . It’s the way it is … normally . There are exceptions or should I say , warning signs ….young , testosterone filled males who love their new found authority. . He’s our guy . My fatigue has also effected my usually sharp sense of narrative. We are not the normal looking family . There’s a major exception , there’s no mum . Emma is not here . Our guy at customs is cut , smooth shaven , just got out of the gym and he’s fresh as a daisy …. The complete opposite to me . I sense the vibe , but I decide small talk might be a signal that I’m trying to butter him up . I decide to stay quiet . It doesn’t work . “Sir , have you got your i – 797 paperwork ?” …. “ What paperwork ? “ , I reply . “ Sir , your passport and Visa clearly states that all paperwork is required on entering the United Sates .” All of a sudden the tension has risen from 1to 8 and it’s still climbing , The young customs guy repeats the same question several times , but I’m like a deer in the headlights , I’ve got nothing for him . Eventually he sends us to the Interview room . Tex looks at me with complete disdain . I’ve fucked up again .
I admit , I’ve got no idea I needed it , or what a I -797 form actually is . Living in the States requires a personal filing cabinet for all the paperwork required to be kept to just live here . The I-797 form is a form ( I think….. don’t quote this as fact ) that is like a temporary form that covers you while you wait for the more permanent form , for me it’s an L2 that is attached to Emma’s I- 94 form ….Hopefully I got that right . Anyway , there’s always layers to every application that requires paperwork that even covers delayed paperwork stuck in the system. It’s a system ran 70s style in the 2020s …can I say anymore ? …….
We go into the waiting area . It’s a bit like a RTA with the seating in front of small partitioned interview booths . There’s a few young backpackers in before us . Others come in after us ,but we are the only family or group in the room . No phones are allowed so I can’t contact Emma to let her know of our situation . Leroy has a stomach ache and has began to sob . Tex is just plain pissed off . I warn him to stay quiet and not show his frustration . We wait …everyone is processed bar us . Others came in behind us and are interviewed and let free As they leave they must show their passport and are often chastised for not having it ready . It’s not like they haven’t just showed it in their interview , but everyone in authority gets their turn in the customs back room . 70 minutes have passed , Leroy is in duress but we are ignored . Finally I am called up . I get another young mid late 20s guy with shaved head , defined features and a look that says ‘I’m not to be fucked with .’ ….”Sir , where is your I- 797 form ?” “I don’t have it “, I reply . “Sir , why do you not have a I-797 form?” , he asks with a raised voice . “ I didn’t know I needed it “, I reply . Shrugging my shoulders . “ You cannot enter the United Stares without it . It clearly states this on your visa .” “ Why haven’t you got it ?” I’m getting flustered , he repeats the same statement again . I nearly break . I’m guessing he wants that . “ Mate , I’ve got enough things to carry on me already . I’ve got negative Covid tests , vaccine status , passports . How much more do I need to carry ? I’ve never needed these documents in the past .” He shakes his head and curls his lip up . He wants to blast me . He’d be happy if I blew up . I take a deep breath and I tell myself to not get sucked in . “ You will not enter the United States without it . We need it now ! “. Where’s your wife ?” “She’s in Australia “ . “ Can you contact her and get her to find the document and send it to me ?” He doesn’t care that my wife is in another time zone on the other side of the planet , let alone the potential cost of an international call . Holy shit , I’ve just happened to got the the angriest fuck in all of customs . I text Emma multiple times . She gets her company lawyers involved . I plead that I’m legitimate . I show him my California license and my Employment Authorisation card . “Mate ,I wouldn’t be able to have these without the correct paperwork .” I plead . “ I don’t care and I don’t even care about all that other stuff about Covid and vaccinations . I’m not even wearing a mask . I just need that form . “ the officer barks . Eventually a photo of the form comes through . I give him my phone …..there’s a long pause . “ Ok , I have had your details on my screen . I just needed you to produce the document from your side . You must have the paperwork on you when you travel to the United States . “ Holy shit , this guy had the information in front of him all along but just wanted me to scramble . What a fucking prick . “Sir , you have a good day , and I must say I’m proud you ossies rose up against the government down there in Melbooorne . No one should be able to tell the people what they can and can’t do with their body .” I looked at him in disbelief . Mate , do you realise you just bent me over cause you wanted to and you do get paid by your boss …. the government.
Anyway pups , I can’t be bitching too much . Like I say , it’s a privilege to be an Australian who can travel internationally and live in another country . The first thing I did when I got back to our house in LA ? I walked out my front door and went surfing …. that’s privilege.
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