A painful let go , part 1

The final days were frantic . The weeks before that were …well sort of aloof on our part . I think a subconscious detachment develops when you know you are leaving . It’s a protective behaviour that manifests on its own . It was never going to be easy but it nearly was .

Sleep has been poor . Every morning around 2 or 3 you wake , you think , you worry and you think some more . Fortunately I don’t have a job like I did in my previous life where I had to get up just after 5 am . Usually I drift back to sleep just before 6 and then wake by 645 . That last 45 minutes is enough to allow me to function throughout the day . Every morning for the last month I wake up nervy , anxious , stuck knowing that things are going to happen soon , but until then I can’t control anything . In the last week and then days the anxiousness increases , the sleep is down to 5 hours a night , but I’m still energised , stretched taut but grinding away whilst the brain spins a loop of “ what ifs .“ In the mean time Emma works a full time high performance job, wakes every night at around 2 , organises luggage , furniture , school requirements , landlord needs , social engagements and a shitload more , before then dropping back to bed at 6 am and waking again at 7 am . I’m popping vitamins , probiotics and a host of other self help remedies whilst trying to stave off an inevitable crash in the immune system . Currently, our bodies are holding up , but still the sleep is poor .

For the last 2 weeks , actually pretty much since before Christmas we drink nightly . It’s almost like when covid hit when we all said “ fuck it , let’s party cause who’s gonna know what happens next “ . Social engagements , goodbyes and thank you’s come every 2 nd day . I feel guilty . We really haven’t been able to express our gratitude. That aloofness , the one eye always on the wheel attitude holds us at arms length . The shield is up , there’s no crying today . “ We are too busy . I give my car away to charity , I don’t get a cent for her .I’m surfing almost everyday . The gods have delivered amazing waves . It would always happen this way . In fact they’re probably as good as they’ve been since we moved here nearly 6 years ago . Are we sure we want to leave this ?

It gets to the last 24 hours . Geezus Christ how are we going to pull this off ? There’s couches , beds , furniture , bikes and surfboards to sell or give .There’s cleaning , packing , repacking , taping up and adjusting . Late morning I pause and see the task ahead . “ We can’t pull this off . “ , I declare . A manic state sets in . To purge as brutally as we have is liberating . The thrift shops can’t believe their eyes when I bring in 70% of Emma’s wardrobe . There’s literally thousands of dollars of barely worn dresses and shoes , some not even worn . Our garbage bins are full , the laneway stacked with things to take . The ability to throw stuff in the laneway and just watch it disappear is something you’d never see in Australia . People start to arrive mid afternoon to grab furniture .The last pieces disappear minutes before we leave for the airport . As night falls we begin to shower whilst either Emma and I continue to clean . Once in the hot shower that’s when it starts to hit . It’s the only time I’ve been still all day and the enormity of what we are trying pull off sets in . We are leaving the US with the shirts on our backs and not much else . Fuck are we crazy ? We are coming back home with no job, cars or furniture to fill a rental we are committed to with nearly every last cent . Leroy lands in Australia and starts High School 5 days later . We haven’t even locked in what poor old Texy is going to do .

12 suit cases , , 8 carry on bags and 4 surfboards . We are so lucky to have great friends here . 3 cars from parents of kids in Leroy’s friend group volunteer to drive us . I hate to think how else we could get everything there and at what cost . We are haemorrhaging money in the move but we knew that’s what would happen We drive off in the dark , I don’t look back . Their cars are stuffed to the brim . Even when dropped off at LAX we are still in a state of anxiety , instead of a state of gratitude and sorrow . We thank Daniela , Lindsay and Jeanie . They shed a tear , but we can’t letup , we have to stay strong and get on that plane . We also have to balance 20 bags and 4 surfboards on 3 trolleys , navigate through the always crazy Tom Bradley airport and somehow get these bags checked in . Tex thinks we are fucked , and have no hope of pulling it off . He’s adding tension to an already stressful situation . Once at the Qantas check in you can feel the eyes on us . People are looking at us like we are crazy . You can see the thought ticking away . “Are they really taking all that luggage on the plane ? “ That’s the moment when the Qantas check in crew stop and meet mid check in with our luggage . Fuck .