Sardegna

I’m writing this with a couple of beers downed , so excuse me if it gets a little messy .

I’ve done absolutely nothing . And I mean nothing . It’s been all Emma . She’s a tour de force . This whole trip is entirely of her making . It’s been an achievement that any travel agent would be proud of . The risk , the attention to detail ….nah it’s definitely not me . I couldn’t do it . Travelling does rely relinquishing control and on this last little leg we sure did .

I’ve been flying blind . Have been for awhile . Autopilot for months on end . A European adventure awaiting , but now I’m here . When Emma said we’d be sailing around Sardinia as well I didn’t really put the effort in to comprehend. I assume we were cruising on the P ‘n O or something like that , but no . It was more intimate . Emma tells me , “Just a few couples , no one we we know but we’ll have our own room “ . Whatever I say, It’ll be fun on a small ship “ . A couple of days out I work it out . We are on a catamaran with 5 other couples . Holy shit this is a leap of faith . I quickly spiral into overdrive . We could be on a boat with five 20 somethings listening to techno , posing for Insta shots with nothing more than g strings and sunscreen for company . Fuck …… I should’ve been in the gym 24/7 in the months before this trip . I need to stop eating now and start working on my push-ups .

It’s dark , it’s hot ,I can barely breathe and I think I need to run outside and scream . Both hands are against the wall . Fuck me ….. I’m trapped on this damned boat ,sweating , thirsty and I’m on the edge of a full blown panic attack . I’ve gotta a mild case of claustrophobia . It takes me a while to talk myself down from this cliff. “ Its ok dude , you’re a little drunk , dehydrated and wedged into the corner of your room , Emma right next to you blissfully snoring away in the spread eagled position . Yeah it’s true you’ve been living it up for 2 weeks , living like a fucking king , all on the back of your wife’s tireless organisation . So calm down , take a piss and thank your lucky stars you’ll only wake up with a stiff neck , sore back , 3 hours sleep and 6 days in a Mediterranean paradise to look forward to

Of corse it made sense . You weren’t going to get young influencers on this boat . It was the cost . This is gonna be 40 + and most definitely Europeans . Here we go kiddies .We are probably getting on a boat with 5 other couples who are definitely from other countries and may not speak English …………. Almost true on each but we have another older Aussie couple from Sydney .

The Aussies immediately connect . I don’t wanna be biased ( I always am ) but we roll into conversation straight off the bat , leaving everyone around us standing stiffly in a permanently paused position waiting for introductions. “ Shit Howie , we’ve gotta break away from Ian and Kaz and talk to the others “ , Emma says . “ True darl , but I don’t speak German “ , I laugh . Ian and Karen nod with a chuckle . They’re true Sydneysiders ,natural entertainers and fearless travellers and both around 70 years young . It turns out that they’re natural leaders and entertainers and so charismatic . It’s a Sydney thing , I reckon . The spotlight is where they do their best work ,it’s when you wanna a little more depth the Melbournians take over and keep a conversation interesting . We’ve got Fred and Kat ( late 50s ) from the Netherlands , a couple we end up with a natural connection to . Anja and Thomas from Germany ( late 50s ) a couple we just come around to late , Ian and Kaz from Sydney , Simon and Judith ( French Canadians ) in their late 20s and the Argentinans Vivian and Carlos ( weird fucks ) . We gotta a mixed bag , kiddies . Talk about jumping into the deep end .

This is no luxury cruise . It’s sailing in a large catamaran with 10 others and 2 crew . That’s 14 on a boat in pretty tight quarters . There are complications pretty early when we see some have alcohol allotments and some haven’t . There’s a miss communication on bookings and requirements . It’s still unclear but it seems some of us had been given a choice wether to bring more alcohol and only off a very restricted list of Sardinian and local wines . We had 1 hour before we set off and we didn’t have any extra alcohol , as did our fellow Aussies . Minutes later we are power walking to the local supermarket 1 km away . Emma grabs 5 bottles of Prosecco , I grab a slab of peroni and a large bottle of beer . Once leaving the supermarket with my box of beer broken open to scan ( we don’t know why ) It dawns on us we have to get this stuff back to the boat in 20 minutes . It becomes a mission of complete importance ; me holding a broken box together on my shoulder Emma with the 6 bottles slung over her shoulder in a bag , both sweating profusely in the midday sun . Of course we make it , but there’s discomfort as we’ve brought stuff back outside of the chartered provisions . This becomes a snapshot of the cruise . A little confusion , a little language misunderstanding and a little frustration all mixed in with a little gratitude of being on a catamaran in the Mediterranean, mixing with the ultra rich and those that are a little important , but fuck me that bed was hard and a little tight ,and shit that pillow was like a stone wrapped in newspaper . Geez I can whinge …..True , I always do .

In the end our cruise is cut short . The 25th consecutive and final week of the season was always a gamble . We had 3 pretty good days before the last 2 days are to be spent in port . The 2 crew are noticeable cooked and over tourists. The weather hung on and gave us 2 beautiful days before it turned , it felt like a similar vibe on the boat . The Argentinians were fitness nuts . Carlos didn’t drink or speak English . I’d look up in a loathing exhale to see Carlos doing push-ups ,squats or crunches at all times of the day ( no joke ) and his 60 year old partner bathing in her g-string legs spread eagled over the bean bag …. Fuck me , can’t I just drink and put weight on guilt fee . There was discomfort bordering on mutiny when we were told off for exceeding our 2 glass per day allowance of alcohol, then to have our Argentinian friend complain that she only drinks Rose and we’ll drink her allowance if we have that next bottle in the fridge , and then to find the crew had a large stash of wine (20+ bottles ) that we apparently couldn’t touch after forking out thousands of dollars for the privilege to be on this cruise . We come to the conclusion they hoard the wine for the end of the trip to be divided amongst themselves . Yep , it gets petty quick , even amongst mature adults . 14 middle aged adults on a big floating caravan in paradise was always going to get sticky , especially when you’ve gotta spend 2 ( actually 3 when you consider our enforced stay in Maddalena island harbour ) in port for the cost of a weeks holiday in most upmarket places around the world .

Emma and I exile . We grab a hotel and sleep . Tonight we catch up at Lorenzo’s parents restaurant in Sardinia for a final dinner and reunion , minus Fred and Kat . I’m hoping our dinner won’t be poisoned after the miserly tip they received , but fuck me whaddya do when it gets cut short . Ciao , I’m off to the bottle shop .