An addiction you can’t shake , a habit you can’t break , a problem you can’t solve , a grind you can’t stop , a nuisance that won’t stop being a nuisance . ……… Where do you go ? As I said …. Im soft , I don’t want to offend or hurt anyone’s feelings , but eventually the tide will come in and break down that sand dune . And it did today .

Yes, Ole Mate got his marching orders . I felt terribly guilty and angry afterwards, but there just seems no other way to slow him down. It’s a reoccurring pattern that follows his past relationships, he just wears people down and they order him out of their life . I can cope with him at a distance , and reality most of the relationships you have with friends works on this premise . We don’t need to be in each others pockets , an occasional chat is enough ,but Ole Mate always needs more . He just needs , and wants and needs some more . There’s plenty of advice , too much advice and then there’s more advice . There’s help that is required . “Please I need a favour .” “Troy can you please help me “. ” Troy , I really have a big favour to ask of you .” “Troy …. please !!, I need your help “. “Can you cash my cheque?, can you get my medication , can I borrow your car? Can I come around for lunch , dinner and anything in between ?” ” I’ve organised for Leroy to play summer baseball with my other friends kid, you two will get along .” It’s incessant, pretty funny when you step back but when it’s you that’s on the receiving end it becomes all encompassing. How do I make this stop ? I’ve tried with a detailed message in the past , but it only lasted a week and before you know it he is practically camping at our door .

The lead up :

It’s been long ……. but when he found out Emma was away overseas I knew he was going double down on his efforts to stick on … and he has . From inviting me out to celebrate Leroy’s birthday….. with him and his girlfriend , to needing to have lunch with me everyday . I stipulated clearly that I would be busy and out on certain days and times , but it doesn’t stop him from calling …. and calling and then texting . After calling me twice and messaging multiple times whilst on the school excursion you might get a sense of my building frustration . ” For fuck sake mate ,I’m taking kids to the bloody toilet . I told you I was on a school excursion today .” “Hey Troy don’t take one of the teachers in there with you , I know I would.” See ya , I’m busy , I hang up . He finds us in the park and lectures Leroy on the fine details of baseball , admittedly his knowledge is undoubted . I see him at the market , but I hide to get respite and the obligatory request to buy him some food . He turns up at Leroys baseball game the next day . Later he begs for me to drop around so as he can give Leroy a present . It’s a mini plastic corn hole game that he has collected from somewhere . He also gives me an old flag made of hessian , I throw it in the bin once I get home . It’s Sunday night that my blood starts to bubble . He sends me a message reminding me not to miss my sons medical appointment . I don’t need a reminder but it’s more than that . He just wants to be involved with your basic day to day life , I can feel the vibe through the text ,he wants to be in on the diagnosis ( don’t worry its not serious) It’s like your mum reminding you , but that’s acceptable … this is uncomfortable. It’s my fault for telling him I nearly forgot that I had the appointment , when he begged that we go to lunch on the Monday ……. And then the blood turns black , a burnt slow simmer smokes my soul . He rings during the middle of the appointment….. the phone rings out the full 20 rings . This is enough . I want to call him as soon as I’m out and totally erupt , but with my son in the car I let the burn blister away . The next day I’m home and I know he’s gonna rock up , he does most days . I’ve got the blinds closed and the door locked , I’ve just cleaned the house and I’ve ignored several calls and texts , Ole Mate won’t give up , but I make a fatal mistake , the back door is left open to dry the floor . Just as it usually happens I’ve stuffed a bite to eat in , and I am kicking myself for not seeing that this is the time he likes to turn up . He knows your routine , when your most likely to be home . It’s lunchtimes and after school and when I’m cooking dinner . He always appears at one of these times . I thought it might slow down now that he’s left the area but it hasn’t changed much , it’s the weekends that we see him less . Emma’s home then and he knows to stay away . I’m startled by a voice at the back door , the back is pretty private , opening to a small concealed deck , but Ole Mate knows I like to hideout there . “Hey have you just cleaned “, he yells . ” Oh , fuck …..I reply yes but he and his dog walk straight in anyway . I’m shaking my head . ” Hey , why have you been ignoring me , that’s not what good friends do . I thought you were a good mate “, he says That’s when I spit it out about calling me when he knows I’m at an appointment. He denies it , says it must’ve been a pocket call . I tell him in know uncertain terms that I doubt it and that I am sick of his intrusiveness . ” You walk in the back door uninvited , you can’t leave us alone “, I plead He says it was the dog , even though the fuckn thing was on a lead . Finally it came …… “Mate get the fuck out of our house and the get the fuck out of our life ” I had to physically push him out the door as he protested …… “And Fuck off” His number is now blocked . He’l be back

Leroy’s party , crazy . Kids , unhinged . Nothing new here , especially when you add laser tag , soft drink and candy . Pinball machines getting bashed and pulled from the wall , food getting thrown , mayhem . It happens , but I must say it happens more here than back home . It was funny , but there were moments when I thought , ‘shit you wouldn’t want to be carrying on like this in my hometown , or you’d get a foot up the arse , but like I’ve said many times ; I’m soft .It’s something I’ve noticed right through to the kids of Tex’s age , they’re on a long leash here . Don’t worry , they’re still good kids but it stands out when you move here .I was alone after Emma left to the airport for Paris .Thankfully Kristen and the staff kept the pack in line …..just .

Next day , I’m off again as a chaperone for a kids excursion to the La Brea Tar pits . Yep , never heard of the joint , I was even going to text a Facebook mate to say I’m coming up your way , he lives in Brea . Turns out they’re no where near each other … could’ve been embarrassing . Sure enough I finally get to ride the Freddy Kruger bus , and just like in a nightmare the fucker breaks down , just outside of Inglewood … I’m not making this up .

That’s a teacher and the bus driver waiting outside for assistance . After 45 minutes it’s decided that the kids ( going crazy like mad fuckn animals ) should eat and drink . This is where I’m thinking , ‘this backup bus wanna get here soon or we are gonna have a procession of kids busting for the loo ‘, and on cue it starts . We have to walk them up to a service station ,for the poor little fuckers are starting to jump on the spot with hands over their groins . As the only male I’m required to be of assistance in shepherding the kids past a homeless camp right behind the servo , true …. you had to laugh . As you can imagine the kids were in the servo grabbing staff , wanting slurpies , picking up candy and getting under the feet of customers ,and of course anyone who wanted to hit the shitter in a hurry were in for a rude shock , cause theirs a queue out the door of little people going before you . The staff were real happy , not . After 90 minutes our backup bus finally arrives , driven by an Aussie who got lost on the way . I’m not kidding … but he doesn’t count as one of my kind as he’s from Brisbane , explains why the dumb fucker couldn’t find us on the side of a major road by the airport . Must’ve thought he was sill in the Outback . This time patriotism doesn’t count .

Eventually , we get to La Brea tar pits . As I said , I’d never heard of the joint , but to my astonishment there is a world class archaeological dig located in the centre of LA . A small area of waterlogged low grounds have acted as a deadly trap for thousands of years , luring animals ,who unaware step in to drink and are then trapped by the hidden tar that lies beneath the water surface , thus encasing them right in the centre of one of the future biggest cities in the world , true . Fuck I do sound like a wanker some times , but it’s still pretty fascinating I reckon . With just over an hour to spend here it was a shame that Freddy cast his spell over the old yellow bus , cause this joint is interesting and totally undersold as a tourist destination ……ok not totally undersold , but a couple of hours would be well spent here Yep , that’s a big arse Wooly Mammoth , dug out of the tar right in the middle of LA .

Of course I’m at the mercy of Mrs Dunne ( Leroys teacher ) , she doesn’t leave me alone and I’m constantly called on for favours , hence I haven’t been picking Leroy up from the class room , meeting Leroy just out of her reach , but today I’m exposed and I’ve been commandeered into helping out with an art project in school .

And fuck did I deliver …………….. who’s this kid ? Yep I got lectured for doing too much painting for the kids self portraits …… but shit I didn’t want them to fuck it up . Yeah I know they are only 8 but I couldn’t help myself . ….. I gotta do something with my time ……. king of the fuckn kids

You wanna say you saw Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys , The Violent Femmes , and throw in Jason Mraz too . Oh yeah ,you saw them in Redondo Beach . It’s only 5 minutes from our joint ….. LA …… California. You picture the response , they’re not that impressed . ” Mate I lived there “. It’s not everyday you get a big arse fucking gig set up practically next door to home . Alright , it’s true the Mornington Racecourse has some pretty big gigs , throw in the Briars and some wineries too , and I’ve gotta say they are great venues …….. but this ? This was cool , soooo Californian cool , surreal cool . Did someone teleport me here ? On a beach / lagoon with thousands of Californians listening to the Beachboys ,singing along to the great old Violent Femmes …..like a blister in the sun , oh Hans I know you’re the one !! drinking alcohol ? I’m telling you , we did it .Of course a great day needs great company , Megan and Ben are absolute warriors when it comes to getting out there and on it .That’s Megan with Ben to the left .

The Beach Life festival was an event that hmmmmmm , I was neither here nor there on . I’m not usually the concert guy , I don’t love crowds or queues and musically ….. well you could call me mute . Thankfully ,Emma bought me a ticket .The day didn’t start so great , or should I say the night before . After listening to my Saints get a nice touch up , I struggled to sleep . I had to be up before 5 and out to the LA zoo by 6am ( think Mornington to Melbourne zoo ) for a charity cancer event . I was a part of a chair massage team . The event itself was enjoyable .A maximum of 3 hours sleep , followed by an hours drive and another 3 hours of massage ,then a return 1 hour 20 minute drive to jump straight into the shower and then over to Ben and Megan’s for pre-drinks ( essential , when you find that a standard can of beer costs $13 once inside ) . Did I say I was tired . You know when you go away for a weekend with friends and you hit the first night hard before having to get up again for the next night ….. and you found a way because you were 23 . That’s what was needed , except I’m ………… fuck it , too old . I needed help . So whilst Emma was getting Leroy ready I grabbed the cold and flu oral formula and took a giant gulp .3 cans of 7% IPA later and fuck I’m back . Now let’s walk quicker to the concert or else I’ll piss myself . A ripping day ensued . I had Ole Mate Marcus there somewhere , but fortunately I avoided him . He later tells me he got up on the side stage and won a push-up competition with a 35 year old in front of thousands . He then followed it up by picking up a 40 year old woman . I didn’t believe it until he showed me her picture and talked to her over the phone after he tracked Leroy and I in the park . ” Troy I told you , women love me “.This is a concert event over 3 days ,with many artists , even the the great Willie Nelson playing on the Sunday . The old boy would’ve been good to see , one of the few last chances I’d reckon . Ahhhh California … The Beach Life Festival ……where else are you gonna see it all , and this photo is courtesy of Megan .Nah it’s true , you gotta believe me she took it ,not me . Next year , lock it in your calendar , it’ll be a must . A perfect event to come over and visit us . To Megan and Ben , that was an awesome day …. my head has only recently stopped throbbing , but it was worth it .

What is it about this picture ? For me there’s a few things , but one stands out most of all . It’s the guy , a tradie , sitting down for a coffee early Friday afternoon . I also know this guy from somewhere , on site or some place in my not too distant past , but I just can’t finger it . I sat there with the kids and longed to be in his shoes , I’d forgotten how often I did this . He’s fit , in his 50’s , taking care of his to do list on his phone . He’s probably set his week up so as he can either kick back on an early Friday arvo or at least take time out for one late weekday job . It’s the whole picture that intrigues me ; the Buddha statue , the fresh seafood sign , the baskets and the framers workshop all in the background. The outdoor seating , the greenery , the quiet . In an hour or so this stretch will be much busier , but not the busy that I’m now accustomed to . He’s got the paper in front of him , probably with the back pages at his starting point so he can check the footy stories .You simply don’t see tradies that look like this guy over here ,and you certainly are not going to see him at a boutique cafe downing a latte or a cappuccino. Living in LA this is a poignant reminder of the class divide here .It’s normal to be served a good coffee , but that’s not all of the picture . This guy is a normal Aussie , and this is where I’ve got to be careful and make myself clear . He’s Anglo Saxon, probably and most likely earning very well ( a hundred grand , maybe more or a little less ) and he’s one of many that are in the same boat and can sit down and enjoy the same things . It’s easy to take it for granted , that’s what I did . I thought my job was a drag and totally unfulfilling. I did at times stop and think that I was lucky to be finished work early , getting the freedom to have a coffee or a beer at a cafe , especially when you work for yourself . This is where you are happy you’re not stuck in an office . Don’t worry there are plenty of tough days ….You’re body takes a beating and I think it’s one of the reasons we deserved to be paid well .

It’s when you get to live in another country , a big country with the strongest economy in the world that you realise just how lucky you had it . I always regretted dropping out of university but the money I earned muffled the noise ……..Now that I’m in California that noise has become deafening . Australia , it’s the lucky country .

The streaks over . You can’t bat at 1000 forever , even if it’s machine pitch . Nearing the end of Leroy’s 3rd season it finally happened .

The kids sporting seasons are crammed into windows so as sport doesn’t overlap . There’s soccer in the Fall ( Autumn ) , that is played in the late Summer heat . I can’t say I love it but any sport is good sport ….right ? From September to late November and it’s over , thank god . Basketball follows through the back of Christmas and by mid February it’s over . 10 games is way too short . It puzzles me that this sport is played so little when the kids play on the courts all year round . Isn’t this their game ? We are fortunate enough that our neighbours have hired Nick to coach the boys on some extra skills in the off season . Yep he is a tall black athlete who just happens to be a basketball coach . Would you have it any other way if you lived over here ? He’s tall . Cooper ( our neighbours son ) barely stands above his knee . He tells Nick he is impressed with his thighs , says that they are big . My mind goes to other places immediately . Geezus Coop just keep it to the large thighs , I don’t wanna think what else is large , This is the cliched America I like to see

Baseball? I’d say it’s America’s or at least Californias favourite game . The kids play this from February to late May / early June .There are little league fields scattered everywhere over here .Finally it came to be . Leroy’s not at his best with a cold and after already rushing from swimming he looks tired . His coach doesn’t like the bat he uses , he says it’s too heavy . I don’t like fixing something that isn’t broken . If you’ve hit everything with the bat you’ve got why change it ? He comes out to bat with the coaches bat , which is lighter . We are one run down ,2 men out and one man on 1st base . The kid behind hasn’t hit the ball this season . It’s all up to you Leroy , you’re going to have to crush it . Then it happens , he struck out .Game over , the 1st time in nearly 3 seasons of baseball including one season of summer kids pitch that he strikes out . Anticlimactic, but relief . The poor little fucker is upset but he holds it in. He later confides that the light bat is too light and he over swings . I look at him and nod my head and laugh to myself . He always thinks things through . ….” Don’t worry mate ,you can’t be perfect “.

There it is , the Freddy Kruger bus .In the background? Another iconic LA location , the Venice pier . In the middle ? A tent .Is this it ? Shit there’s no one here . A Facebook call for Aussies to catch up at Venice Beach . Ok , it’s not something I ever saw myself doing . We walk over , fortunately Emma’s Aussie buddy Jacquie is there setting up . There’s a couple of attractive young girls there who introduce themselves . “Geezus , what am I doing here ? ” ……. Its Venice Beach on a cool , grey windswept Sunday in late April . ANZAC day has just passed and I’m guessing this has something to do with the call to arms .

We are at the park in our usual position , me throwing tennis balls to Leroy . He stands in front of the bin , hitting away . I’m vagued our this morning . We had been out to Hoki and Mats joint for a casual drink and get together the previous night . The night before we ended up at a bar with other friends and their kids after a game of baseball . This is the type of weekend I’ve been waiting 2 years for , I am a little dusty . Anyway , back to the park . I notice a woman drifting close to our area . I’m gathering she wants to use the bin as we use it to act as our catcher . She’s there with her dog and hovers for a brief moment . It’s that little eye to eye , that moment of not just curiosity but some innate intuition that the person wants your attention. It makes me laugh , but it’s the Aussie on Aussie vibe . She says something , and it then comes to my scripted line : “Is that an Aussie accent ? ” Gayle , welcome to our little area , we will collect you …., Why this little story ? It’s funny how the universe works , we were half an hour away from heading up to Venice Beach for a random Aussie get together , and Gayle comes along , from Sydney . We’ll connect .

Emma says .. ” No Howie that doesn’t look that cool .” Ok fair enough , but it feels good to revel in a bit of Australiana , or .. footy bogan .

Eventually we settle in to this odd yet comforting experience of just wanting to catch up with complete strangers and people we have only recently met to talk about life . It doesn’t take long for conversation to flow and to easily talk almost any topic . Powder Finger , INXS , IceHouse , Mondo Rock , Australian Crawl , Midnight Oil , Hoodo Gurus and a host of amazing tunes that this part of the world has no idea exists play in the background . TimTams , sausage rolls , pavlova , bullets and even dirty old Fosters get a gig . The young people that rock up are beautiful , bohemian, uber cool and speak with that classic twang that automatically connects you in a special way . You can’t help but look at at these kids ( they’re in their early 20s) with admiration for their bravery , confidence and worldliness …… and fuck they are good looking . You could of shot a commercial for Corona beer on one picture of the crew here ……. Geezus , it’s uplifting , but am I really here ? It was a great weekend , plenty of socialising with Hermosa friends , but it’s always a high light to catch up with a small minority that have a special bond . We missed ANZAC day but we still found each other on the other side of the world , on a beach, in LA .

Just when you let your guard down he strikes . Yesterday at 525 pm I was cooking the kids and our meal , whilst trying to push Leroy to get his homework done all the while knowing we had to leave for a baseball game at 6pm . From the corner of my eye I see the white fluffy hair of Teddy the dog and the unmistakable stoop of ole mate Marcus . Before I could say a word they were both inside advancing to the kitchen . I take a deep breath , look up and say ” God , Why now “. Ole mate has that big stupid grin and then precedes to hang shit on me for cooking like he always does . He can’t get his head around the idea that the dad would cook and the mum would work ,and also cooking at home was seldom done in his previous lifetime . It’s been a treat to once again leave our front door open now that Marcus has left, but it still leaves you vulnerable to the surprise visit . He comes up to hug me ,but as I always do I let him know that Aussies do not man hug . It’s not our thing .

” Hey Troy what are you cooking ? You got enough for Teddy and I . “. “Ahh , no mate . I didn’t know that you were invited “, I reply . ” Is that chicken from Vonns in Hermosa “, he asks whilst using his fingers to grab a piece of the warm soft meat that I was about to add to the kids fettuccine. Marcus has no boundaries .Whats yours is his when it comes to food . I shake my head and try not to think about the cigars and joints that his fingers have grasped . Still he has no problem in grabbing a 2nd piece and then throwing a portion down onto our floor for his dog . ” Ya fucken right are ya ?” I bleat . ” What’s the matter Troy , there’s more than enough there to go around “. ” Fuck I didn’t know that it was you who get to decide . Left overs can be used for lunch . Plus who knows where your dirty hands have been .” ” Troy I’m always clean and you should be inviting me for dinner . That’s what true mates do “. I look at him and shake my head . He asks if I’ve seen the neighbour Lori , an attractive older woman next door . He then proceeds to tell me that I should be trying to fuck her on the side . ” Ahhhh mate is that why your ex is trying to ruin your life . I don’t think it works that well in the long run .”

I direct him to a couple of magazines on the Mornington Peninsula to show him where we come from . He sees the cafes and the coffee and asks how much they cost . When I tell him $4 to $5 depending on what you order he cries that it’s too expensive and that he gets a cup from Starbucks for $2.55 . That’s like throwing a red rag to a Bull when it comes to my opinion on coffee . ” Oh faaaaark off Marcus , don’t even go there , that shit franchise can’t even get a foothold in Australia ,just like it’s cousin Gloria Jeans that went bankrupt over there . “. I look at the clock and we’ve got 15 minutes before we have to leave . No ……….. this is the worst . I’m trying to get him out but he wants to hang around as his Chicago Cubs are playing the LA Dodgers on tv , and to rub salt into the wound they are hammering the Dodgers in an upset . It’s when he finds out that Leroy is playing baseball soon that really puts my head in the noose . “Great , where’s he playing . I’m going to come down and watch “. “Maaaate , I told you before it’s not a good idea . Emma doesn’t want you there and a few of the other women are uncomfortable in your presence . Plus you’ve got too much to say and people are sensitive here .” “Fuck , Troy …. I won’t say anything and can go where ever I want . ” “Fuck , Marcus do you have to . I prefer you don’t come “. ” I’m going .” “Oh my god , you don’t get it , you are not welcome .” ” Troy I’m going , and I’ll be quiet “. ” Fuck me dead , if you come you’ve gotta sit away from the grandstand behind the fence away from everyone “.

There’s history . I mentioned a time that Leroy was playing basketball on a previous date . He showed up out of the blue with his dog , walking across the front of the court in grand entrance style . It was bewildering when he then began to trash talk Leroy’s coaches and was reprimanded by one of the mums . The cringe and embarrassment was awful . I could’ve dug a hole through the floorboards . Remember I said don’t come to baseball ? He came .Remember I said don’t sit next to everyone else ? ……He sat right in the fucking middle of everyone .

I can’t watch the game as he’s always trying to talk to you , discussing kids techniques , nodding at me to check out the mums arses , asking who’s rich and what they do and have and why Leroy is fielding there or batting here as he’s too good to be wasted , all within earshot of everyone else . His dog then starts humping another family’s dog so Marcus let’s go of the lead and tells Teddy he’s a naughty boy whilst laughing . Ohh fuck this is looking like a train wreck . Theres still the major problem of Emma turning up and a potential showdown .. …again . I am as relaxed as someone marching to the gallows . Did I say there was a kids baseball game on ? Emma turns up and rolls her eyes . Kim and Bill our neighbours give me the sideways look . Just then Leroy and another kid both go for a sky ball and at the last second the kid opts out and Leroy lunges low but drops it . ” He blew that Troy .” , yells Marcus . ” They’re 8 year olds Marcus ….. and the other kid got in his way .” ” He should’ve called him out , that’s what a good outfielder does . The coaches have gotta teach them that .” , Marcus says within earshot of anyone who wants to know . Eventually I sit next to Emma , she tells me she was about to tell him to leave but didn’t want to cause a scene , amen . Leroy comes into bat and hits a nice bomb into the outfield . Marcus then decides to leave, but as he passes he tells us that he told Leroy to change his action and that is why he hit it so well . …”Of course you did mate ……… See ya”.

Emma looks at me with eyes that could kill

I’m writing this from my lounge room couch , in the early evening gloom , beer in hand and the Dodgers on the tv . Just me , all quiet on Friday . Not just any Friday , it’s Good Friday . Emma’s at Coachella . Tex is down the street with his mate Noah ( 1st time I’ve ever heard of him ) and Leroy’s up the lane way at his mate Coopers . It’s a strange type of day . It feels and looks like a typical grey cool Good Friday day that you see most years in Melbourne but it’s LA , and they don’t do Good Friday. True , it’s barely recognised , a few snippets on the news about the pope but apart from that it’s a totally normal day . School , work , businesses … all open and scheduled as normal . I spoke about it last year ; Easter doesn’t hold weight like it does in Australia. There is no public holidays , no media saturation , no supermarket aisles 20 meters long loaded with Easter eggs , with the entry to each aisle strategically loaded with Easter chocolate. It’s probably the biggest surprise when it comes to living in the biggest country with the biggest economy with the biggest intent to market and sell anything that’ll make a dollar , especially when it comes to kids . Don’t worry they haven’t missed the Easter candy / chocolate idea but it’s not on the scale of Australia , there’s a first .

Today I was tempted to stray and eat meat .Why bother when most others here wouldn’t be concerned ? I don’t believe in god , religion or the Catholic faith for which I am cast , but I like the tradition and history . Fuck , why not go a day without meat for one of the rare times in an entire year ? It’s Good Friday and you gotta love the hype and tradition of the Aussie fishmonger getting hammered , selling tonnes of seafood . What about Fish n chips ? It’s their biggest day of the year . Here , not really . I was surprised when I went to the supermarket to load up on a beer or two when I couldn’t find a basket. The joint was bustling , people loading up on dinner items . The seafood area was very busy , in fact the whole vibe here was a little festive . A lot of people were eating fish tonight , indicating that Good Friday still has some presence. It’s weird when I look at all the posts of Aussie friends camping , on holidays and with time off , and to think tomorrow in LA it’s business as usual ,

Easter in LA is nothing more than a novelty , a place with little historical connection to a religious past and hence life moves on , not even the mighty dollar is willing to hook into this weekend . This weekend it’s business as usual .

I’ve got it , but only in some areas . 4 weeks of strict Keto near killed me , but it came with benefits . I’ll use the tools learned but I ain’t giving up anything , I’ll just choose to be tough Monday to Friday , nothing new there . Still the cravings don’t leave you , and that’s what shits me . Yep , Charcoal chicken n chips , fuck I think about those little babies often , fortunately you can’t find a bbq chicken with chips with chicken salt here . Still when you live like a monk for a month and then fly to Australia to eat and drink like a pig you’ll come home with cravings .

The next 4 days on returning to LA were nasty . Jet lag had us all tired but this was the worst I’d felt after international travel . To be super disciplined for 4 weeks and then to be glutinous for 9 days , all the while on interrupted sleep had taken its toll .To then go straight back into strict Keto was cruel and on retrospect might’ve been a mistake . By Friday Leroy had an evening game of baseball and it’s custom to to come to these games with your blue cup ……. Im fucked , I’m not turning up without it , the Aussie trip has me seasoned and I can taste beer just thinking about it . Of course it doesn’t end there. We end up at Megan and Bens with Bill,Kim , John and Jeanie . Did I say I got stamina ? No sleep and straight back on it .

Next day it’s on ,Leroy has baseball photos and then he has his 1st ever tennis match , followed by a doubles match to top it off . The poor little fucker was home after midnight and now plays tennis for 2 hours after an early start , he practically finishes with one eye opened . He’s cooked , but I’ll get him up . It doesn’t end there for him as we have the baseball ‘camp out night . ‘We’re not doing the camping but we are there for the Sandlot movie and festivities. I get him up for the night with a coffee . Yep , Leroy doesn’t mind a coffee . It’s not exactly parenting 101 but it’s all about the long game . Emma stays home as she’s soft . 6 beers and a couple of wines later we get back home . Stamina ? Fuck yeah .. not Leroy , I mean me . I’m doing this tough , but it comes with rewards . Socialising is not my strong suit but by nights end I’ve talked to a few different people and we end up with a dinner invitation in a couple of weeks .

By Sunday I’m hanging on , but there’s one more obligation . I told Lindsay and Nate I had a gift for them from Australia . Nate says I gotta come over to the park where he’s having a bbq for their Swedish friends who are visiting . Geezus I don’t think I can do it . I decide I won’t but guess what ? …..Yep I’m there with a blue cup and back on it again , and it comes with rewards . I talk to the Swede Seb , who tells me their family is on a world tour and that Australia is the best place he’d been to , yeah no surprise there . But when I started talking to a bloke I hadn’t met before you really get to see how there really are some interesting people in this town . He says to me ” Have you heard of Jim Jeffries ? ” . ” Of course , he’s one of my favourite comedians ” , I reply . “Yeah, he’s my boss. I’m his editor ” ,he ( think his name is Carl ) replies . From here we talk a lot about Australia . I educate him on the Sydney / Melbourne rivalry and let him know that Melbournians think Syneysiders are soft and that they play a game for no necks and dumb arses . I tell him we’ve got style and they’ve got flash . He loves it and tells me he can’t wait to discuss it with Jim . ( Jim is from Sydney ) . It’s not long before we are discussing the Aussie vernacular and that very vulgar word ‘ Cunt ‘ and it’s many meanings in Australia . Sometimes it pays to grind away and keep going .

Eventually Leroy and I are back at night fall …… . It’s been a marathon 2 weeks , I sit down with a glass of wine and pray for a good nights sleep , I’m gonna need it cause we’re back on the Keto ……… until next weekend .

I was wide awake at 4am ,for a second I didn’t know what continent I was in . It was only the distant hum of jet engines hovering over LAX that quickly brought me back to reality. I was on one of those just 10 hours ago .It’s a different type of quiet , a white noise type of quiet . There’s always movement , be it the constant crash of waves , the distant drone coming from the 405 or the landing and takeoffs at LAX. I tried to get back to sleep, as god I needed it , but jet lag has the body clock stuck between 2 time zones . In 24 hours you can be in your own bed , before that you’re in a car driving away from ……. your old bed , on the opposite side of the world .

There were familiarities all the way , which is a reminder of how fortunate a life I’ve had . To arrive in Los Angeles and not feel a slight bit nervous . The previous intimidation that LAX held has been lifted . That only comes when you’ve been there before . You look around at the many new arrivals shuffled into lines , looking around anxiously , pushed to machines to show their passports not knowing exactly what to do . Security barks instructions , we don’t listen and keep marching forward .”Mate we know the procedure “. It’s just a matter of time and we’ll be through . To exit Tom Bradley terminal and be confronted by hoards of travellers of many nationalities and races , the lack of light with the subway like thoroughfare, the warm air and that strong smell of car exhaust masking the subtle smell of garbage and cigarette smoke , the barging crush of traffic , and to then smile to yourself and think , “we’re back’.

To take off and then land without the slightest of worry . To fly 14 hours and not go into a depressive /pain / I can’t take this anymore state . To actually sleep a couple of hours or more . To not be scared to line up for a pee or even ….. nah I can’t do that quite yet . To get that 2nd bottle of wine down with a sleeping pill ….. the method from now on . To watch movies that maybe I wouldn’t have in the past ….. A Star is Born , Beautiful Boy ( best movie seen in a long time ), Bohemian Rhapsody, Ben is back and Boy erased . All better than I wanted to admit . To drive to the airport in Australia on one side of the road and then the next day drive out of the airport on the other side of the road ,in Los Angeles at night time with relative confidence .To wake up ( yes at 4am ) and to go straight to class , the kids to school and Emma to work .

To get back and say I’ve just got back from Australia .And then to reply from the amazed response of the locals ,”Yeah , you know it’s always good to get back home .” Like it’s no big deal , but it really is . Mexico , The Bahamas , Australia …all within 6 months .

Spoilt.?…yes Easy ?…..no. Homesick? ….. always ……Privileged ? …….. Shit I didn’t wanna say it .. but yes , yes we are . To travel so far and so often , it’s become a habit . Yeah we’re seasoned , and thank god for that . Can’t wait for our next holiday and can’t wait to get back to Aus again . C u soon