I’ve got a headache , have so since 431am when it woke me . It’s self inflicted , a retribution .

I look back and think of the cheese platter for starters , a main consisting of curry chicken , jerk chicken , spare ribs , beef masala , roast turkey , roasted vegetables and fried rice . Afterwards a lemon merengue pie . That’s dinner , before that there was the 3 pina coladas , 2 strawberry daiquiris and 3 Red stripes . Do I need to discuss breakfast ?

There was exercise , sort of . Is drinking an exercise? Lazy rivering is , isn’t it ? There was a funny moment at Atlantis , that counts . Leroy and I shared a twin tube on the lazy river . It passes a water surge that then sends the tubers around the river with surging waves . They rarely broke but occasionally if you got close to the wall the surging water would climb up the wall and break like a real wave . Everyone avoided it , not me …. or Leroy as he had no choice as he was connected in the twin tube . I eyed it off , looked over the shoulder and there it was , a much bigger roller coming through . ” Leroy let’s get on the wall quick .” ” No dad ” , he screamed . ” Nah , dude this will be awesome “. Too late . I had my back to the wave , Leroy was positioned so he looked towards me and of course the in coming wave. Leroy ‘s eyes were as wide as saucers and his roaring let me know that we were about to catch this baby . And we did………. it picked us up and momentarily slid us along the wall before throwing us out into the middle of the river with a vertical pitch that saw us cannonball straight into another kid ( teenager ) on a tube . He got poleaxed and flipped head first out of his tube into the pathway of two other parents with their kids , totally wiping them out . We landed it and surged forward past the mayhem . Leroy had his hand over his mouth shaking his head in hysterics .Me , I was crying with laughter . The best part was we kept drifting with the current and left the scene of the crime ., leaving flipped tubes and resurfacing heads in our wake . I looked up at the water safety guard and she was shaking her head whilst laughing . ………….. One of the great moments in waterpark history . ” I told you we’d catch it Leroy , even did a floater on the wall and took out a few on the way through “. Aussie , Aussie , Aussie ..Oi Oi Oi .

Of course there was drama too The day before leaving to Orlando ,Florida we were watching the news when the opening story started with a report of a dude trying to bring a gun into the airport , creating chaos and a 5 hour lockdown . And we were going there the next day …. you’re kidding ! Getting out of Orlando airport was easy but the security on our return flight created mayhem , with large queues and anxiousness that comes with the thought of missing your flight . ..We made it with sweaty palms ……. On a side note ; the airport in Orlando is new and impressive and shows what a dive LAX really is .

Enough reminiscing, now back to that head ache . I’ve crept up to 191 pounds before this trip , 200 ( is a possibility right now , that’s why I’m starving . 36 hours into a cleanse with hardly any food …. Its fucking killing me . It’s only cause I’m going back to Australia at the end of March I’ve decided to act . I don’t want people looking at the size of my head and pausing , thinking ,”fuck Howie must be a bit too in love with ‘In n Out ‘ , over there . ” That’s why cruise shipping is dangerous , there’s consuming to be done …. all day ! .

PS. This diet cleanse is the worst , I’m suffering . Don’t ever do it … don’t .

That’s it , it’ll be the last for a fair while I reckon . The whole proviso of cruising is sound , treat yourself and check out a couple of islands whilst you do it . The reality for the vast majority is gluttony . I’ve been on 2 with the Royal Caribbean, one to the South Pacific and now the Bahamas . The 1st was better on account we went with friends and the boat was more modern with more kids facilities . Still the same trap prevailed , over eating and drinking . After 4 days I’m ready to get off .

I think we generally like to keep busy even if the intention is to relax . I like to explore and not just the cocktails on the drink pass. If you have a busy life this is for you . I know on my 1st cruise I looked forward to doing nothing , it came at a period in my life where things were hectic . After 2 days of buffet food and laying around the pool I’ve had enough . I’ve had enough of the buffalo stampede at breakfast , the continual need to tip after paying an upfront 18% gratuity , and then being stung with expensive alcohol prices . Of course you buy the unlimited drinks package but it comes with caveats , like having to pay for everyday regardless if you’re on board , also you’ve gotta have each adult in your room pay for the package if one of you want it , and then bar staff expect a tip on that again . Ok we know you deserve to be paid better , we appreciate what you do for us but can we just include everything in the price up front .

The offshore excursion to go snorkelling with a private sandbar sounded exotic but was underwhelming. It’s hard when you’ve been spoilt like we have after seeing world class reefs and beaches in the Whitsundays . Paddling around a rock with no real coral , strong current and ill fitting snorkelling gear . I didn’t think it was the safest , although was some good fish to be seen . After a couple of hours laying on the beach at Coco cay ( Royal Caribbean island ) , eating a beautiful buffet and cocktails it was time to get back to the boat and eat buffet and drink cocktails . I’m getting bloated writing this .

We enjoyed our little trip , it’s a good introductory to places we are unfamiliar with , and safe , There’s plenty to do on the boat , but ultimately I need to be walking , seeing and doing things in new places . To party up with friends and families it works , but next time we travel I need to be burning kilojoules during the day . The Bahamas are cool , would I do it again ? Only if I had lapband surgery beforehand .

Another notch on the belt . The Bahamas , not what I envisaged , better . I know we are on a cruise and as soon as we hit port we’ve got a neon sign on our head …. “sell us anything .” It’s something we’ve gotta get used to …… it’s privilege.

We are on Nassau, the most populous island of the Bahamas . Atlantis , a resort with hotels , pools , corals beaches , slides , lazy rivers …that’s where we went, of course. I felt guilty , straight from a cruise ship like lambs for the slaughter . You don’t see the real Nassau , you’re vulnerable , you’ve got cash … they want you to spend it .You’re shepherded to where TripAdvisor tells you where you should go . We don’t want to be in a taxi in some ghetto being extorted . That’s our fear , it’s probably unfair but it’s there.?Its white western Anglo . We are in Black , Caribbean , Rasta country . Love it …… it’s a vibe you only ever saw on tv , until you’re here …pinch yourself . They’re cool fuckers , look straight through ya .

• Back to Atlantis … . Beautiful location , awesome aquarium , nice pools , fun slides , statuesque Bronze Caribbean women and an incredible backdrop of the Bahamas. This is straight out of a tv advert for Kaluah , Bacardi Rum or any of those exotic adds you never saw yourself in ….. until now . We wanted to check out downtown but our taxi driver did it for us . I got the privilege of getting the front passenger seat whilst Emma , Leroy and 10 other yanks of varying big sizes were squeezed into the back 8 seats at $5 a head , with no aircon ,..,….,,Arm out the side ,me mate tooting the horn at anyone driving slow or just anyone in his way , or just anyone . Hilarious …. no road rules here ? it’s dog eat dog , hang on tight .. I’m not but the poor fuckers sweltering in the back are . Fuck , I’m sniggering as we pull up to Port . The others get outta the taxi and they look like roasted jelly , and there’s a couple of of big Texan 300 pounders who are all wet and purple . Did I say I loved that taxi trip …… just saying that’s all . finally we are back on port and get through the typical flea market to the entry of any cruise liner .

It’s back on board with a cocktail in hand you look down and think how lucky you are . The distant sounds of horns , Caribbean drums and the clinking of glass at the pumping bars below . Wow I’ve finally got to be here …, Will I ever see it again ?

We are cruising ………. the Caribbean . . Check it out dawgs Enchantment of the Seas … that’s her . I must admit , it’s not my cup of tea , cruising and stuff . Too crowded . Sometimes it’s easy and a good introductory , that’s why we’re here . Don’t worry … I’ll make it suit .

Eat’n bro , look out , cause these cruises are made for the tooth . Fuck do I pay the price . By bed time I am ten thousand calories and 8 beers over my normal reading , Emma’s safe tonight , but only just …….. flesh there’s plenty on offer , but our Australian cruise in 2016 had a smaller size of buffalo cruising in the streams . Here the crocs would have a ball at the crossing .

The alcohol package : 2 hours in , 3 cocktails and a beer had cost us $60 US . Fuck it , I gotta check it out . $100 a day for the both of us , unlimited . Easy . …. I ‘m running down to our room to get my card . 6 flights of stairs , piss easy . 3 steps at a time ,up I fly . It’s now or never Howie , get that deal . And I do ………. Oh yeah … Here we go , time to get loose . Shit what else am I to do?

Then the party starts . This boat is rockin with Caribbean tunes . The yanks aren’t shy … and it’s show time as the party beats pump out through the deck . There’s flesh pulsating on the pool edge in the roaring sun and it’s real , Fuck , lock n ‘ load Howie , cause there’s bootie swinging , but it’s big bootie . Real big ; if this thing sinks the sharks will be fed for a month . No matter , I’m set ……….. “give me a beer mate , fuck it throw a pina colada on top .” … see yas tomorrow

It started back at LAX . American Airlines and the domestic terminal . It’s busy down there . Sunday with the South Bay schools on ski week . Yes they have a week off to go skiing , do I need to say any more ? I’m feeling shit and have loaded up on fluids and vitamins , the stomachs doing backflips. The toilets are closed for maintenance and that requires a walk back up the terminal , it’s a mess and the poor women are lined up down the concourse. Thank god I’ve got a dick . It turns out our plane is delayed and we’l be swapping to a smaller plane . I’m hungry and scoff a sandwich down . Eventually we are off and away on an old plane with tight seating and no tv screens , we are separated with myself on a window next to two strangers . Luckily I brought an iPad to down load there movies , it was a last minute decision to bring it . The couple next to me were sharing a phone with an earpiece each . At the mid flight point I started to feel thoroughly awful ( think last post ) . I started sweating , the stomach had the tom toms . Oh no , I start looking around for a button to summon the hostie , I need a vomit bag , I can’t find it . I’m ready to jump over the two next to me to get to the toilet but as I look over my shoulder there is 4 or 5 people waiting to use them . Regret .,… I’ve got plenty …. everyday . When I downed 6 packets of thousand milligram vitamin c this morning I hoped there wouldn’t be side effects … I know the answer … Eventually it passes after I concentrate on the landscape below . I know why it was so plausible to cook meth in a bus in the middle of New Mexico ; it’s vast and ininviting , Breaking Bad style.

We are here now cruising the Caribbean . Little lessons : flying into Orlando and cruising From Fort Kanaveral cost us a$150 cab fare to our hotel , rookie mistake . Always look for Lyft or Uber . Stay tuned I’ve got more ……,.

We’re at the farmers market like we are most Fridays , Leroy and I . I usually eat before hand so as I don’t go crazy and load up on food ,today I’m starving . There’s some stuff in there I love but I stay clear of it and give a little stall a go that’s rarely got any customers. I’m a sucka for stuff like that . Yeah , I know I’m soft . I order a burrito from a little Old Mexican guy and his wife , it takes me several minutes to translate what I want . Of course he can’t understand a word I’m saying . Eventually he offers a side serving of salsa . I tell him I’ll take the hot shit . Yep he doesn’t understand that either , but eventually through sign language I get the spicy salsa . I don’t mind a bit of sweat . I’ve been feeling a million bucks today ; gone for a surf , did a work out and even an online yoga session. The burrito is average ; it has potato’s and beans in it , but the sauce is like hydrochloric acid . I’m sweating up all nasty all of a sudden , but I ain’t stoppin . I think it stripped a layer of skin off the back of my throat and I keep on swallowing hoping that the throat will recover . It doesn’t …………and then it hits me , that old mutha fucka .

Wind back two days earlier an ole mate is harassing me as usual . I’m sitting at our little kitchen table reviewing stuff from sports massage , when I get several messages and the usual phone call . Relentless. I ignore my phone and plough on , stopping occasionally to look at the rain and to see if the lines are getting any bigger out there . ( the surf)There’s barking , a sure sign that Marcus is on the move . Then there’s the dragging clumsy steps as he comes up our stairs . I ignore him for 20 seconds and enjoy the idea of him getting wet . Eventually after knocking on the door he bangs on the window and looks in on me . Fuck …….. “Troy , couldn’t you see me there “. “Sure ” “Why didn’t you open up straight away “. ” Just had to finish up what I was writing ,that’s all “,I reply .” I was getting wet out there ” ” Yeah , I know ” . ” You can be a real prick sometimes, I was just bringing you a gift over . “.

2 days prior . ” You know how I told you about Zycam , and how it’s the best stuff for a cold ? ” Marcus tells me . ” Yeah “. ” It didn’t work this time . I’ve been so sick for the last 3 days , I haven’t been able to get up off the couch . ”

Forward 2 days . ” Didn’t you see it raining out there , why didn’t you let me in straight away . “. ” Marcus , I was just busy ok , am I not allowed some peace and quiet so I can study ? “. ” I brought you over a piece of raspberry pie as a gift .” “Marcus ……you know I don’t eat desert and I don’t eat fucken fattening foods during the day , an especially at 11am . ” He drives us insane on every front but he persists with offering us food . Ive seen his mess of a kitchen ,and his eating style of talking and chewing at the same time whilst food flies out of his teeth like a lawn mower without a catcher . You can see why I have no desire to eat anything he offers . ” Just throw it in the bin if you don’t want it Troy .” ” Marcus you are sick ! Listen to your voice and you look shit .” ” No , Troy I’m over it now , I’m not contagious any more . “. I take a couple of bites and then get up and throw it in the bin . He’s horrified . Later I admonish myself for eating it . That voice in your head tells you ,you are gonna pay for that . You tell yourself you’re paranoid . That other voice says ok , remember you’re going on a holiday on Sunday ………. don’t get sick .

Sure enough we are on our way to Florida on an American Airlines flight …… and I am feeling thoroughly awful …….. And I’ve only got myself to blame

It wasn’t deliberate at 1st ….. ok ,it was. Attention seeking , I can’t deny it , but something was needed to break the ice . It had been neglected for 8 months or more . Leroy doesn’t want to use it , so it meant I couldn’t , and that’s not a big deal . It was just………. I dunno , things had got stalled , the weather was getting cooler and the days shorter . It was boring , in fact boredom has been one of the biggest obstacles since moving here . I started bringing her in the car with me . You know? Just to look at , sometimes just to get a feel . I was working on the theory of her being visible , that maybe the love could return . It did

I started taking her to school at Leroy’s pickup ,spinning her in my palms , throwing her to the ground and letting her return straight back to her master . I play it cool ; no one seems to notice at 1st . We go to the park so Leroy can throw some hoops ; she comes too . Eventually the love spreads and Leroy wants her back . She’s popular again . Back and forth she goes . It doesn’t take long before Leroys polished off the rust . The girls gleaming in the sun now , doing her full repertoire of tricks and little dances . She hardly touches the ground .

I keep her with me on most trips and it eventually pays . I look over at a guy at school pick up who’s been watching me for a while now .Shes doing her job , sending out sweet whispers . He comes over and introduces himself and asks ,”Is that a rugby ball ?” Holy shit , did you hear that ? A fucken rugby ball ! That’s like comparing Margot Robbie with Rebel Wilson . I like’m both but geezus the Sherrin is surely Margot Robbie isn’t she ? ……….As I’ve said in the past ;Australian rules football is not heard of over here , where rugby is .In fact rugby union is played in the schools here , hence the reason the our football gets mistaken for a rugby ball .

Really , all I’ve been trying to do of late is to see if I can attract attention to the Aussie football , and more so to attract other Australians . It’s worked . I talk to Mike most days at school pick up , he’s the guy who 1st asked if the ball was a rugby ball . He’s an American who works in public relations ( not sure what that is ) . I met a couple in the park who are American but the guy has a brother who lives in Melbourne . His brother introduced them to Australian coffee and they now get him to send them back coffee from’ 5 Senses ‘ . They swear it’s the best they’ve tasted ( not hard when you taste the coffee over here ) . A few weeks ago I ran into Anna . She ,her husband and 4 kids all under the age of 7 had moved here from Highett in Melbourne . She’s a Saints supporter too . It was a fleeting encounter and maybe we’l meet again . That’s why the footy will keep on venturing down to the park . Just an hour ago I ran into another Melbournian in the park . Guess why ? Yep that beautiful yellow pill . Byrnes and his wife are from Kensington and live just 200 yards up the road , they’ve been here 6 months . It’s been a slow ply but eventually the percentages have to come into play .

Like bees to honey , my sweet girl has drawn them in

I gotta say I’ve ran out of ammunition. I wanted to keep reminding everyone of the weather in LA . You know the sunny days , beautiful sunsets , shorts and tshirts everyday . Well , nah , I’m not bragging this time . We are having a real winter . In fact it is very Melbourne like and has been since mid December . I’m talking a Melbourne winter . I think it’s been above 18 degrees Celsius once in the last month . We’ve had multiple storms with days at a time with rain . It has been in stark contrast to our 1st winter here , which barely lasted more than a week . A consistent pattern of storms close in on what seems a 5 day rotation , lasting 2 to 3 days at a time and then retreating , leaving us with beautiful sunshine until a grey still creeps south , warning us with eerie sunsets the night before.The rain tracks down the Pacific coast , slowly descending on LA . It creeps in without a wind change or a traditional ‘front’ that we are used to seeing in Melbourne .As it bared down on us this morning the Strand beach path was a hive of walkers , runners and cyclists , squeezing in that last bit of exercise before ‘housebound ‘time arrived . …..Then the grey sets in .The surf has retreated as the storms tracking from Alaska hug the coast as they drop , failing to roll out into the Pacific to push swell back into the mainland .

LA has become bizarrely pretty , with a ring of mountains covered in snow ; you’d swear we’re in Denver or Salt Lake City , that is until you have to get out and drive , then you’l soon realise you’re not . On the rare day that I’ve been out in the water I’ve got cold , even more so when you look across to Malibu and see snow capped peaks hiding in the background. Hmmmm , shit I think I’ll have to get the booties out .

Tex will get the privilege he shouldn’t deserve by snow boarding on Mammoth Mountain next week . He’s fortunate to be going with another family who will take an RV and a group of kids up to a cabin for the week , with virtual ‘walk out the door to ski lift access . ‘ Mammoth has a base of 5 meters and 7 feet falling in 2 days last week, and with more falling now , it promises to be a trip of a lifetime . ……………. California , LA. I bet you never saw it like this

We all know the result of this one ….. LA lost again , when it counted most . No matter , there were other things to celebrate . Unlike last year , where we twiddled our thumbs and wondered if there was even a bbq going on anywhere near town , this time we were at one . In fact it has been a pretty social weekend , with drinks and a meal at John and Jeannies place and now a Super Bowl party hosted by Lyndsey and Nate . The weather stayed wet and that summed up the weekend , if it wasn’t raining outside it was raining inside ….. beers . With a tarp connected to a garage it was pretty cosy and raucous . One thing about Patriot fans , winning is an expectation , for the rest of us ……. we just prayed that the Patriots don’t win . God , where were you ? It’s a little intimidating going to these social gatherings , We are talking about successful, well educated ,good looking people and for the majority of them they are younger than us . At one stage Emma and I looked at all the young girls playing together and commented on how beautiful these girls are likely to be when they’re older . The kids are well bred here . Tall dark and handsome ,and thin , blonde and blue eyed ; that’s the breeding stock . No half time hero’s , it’s a bit hard when room is at a premium , but the cigars did come out . It’s not something I’ve become accustomed to yet , but cigars are pretty popular over here . Eventually my Rams succumbed and I admit I saw that coming , but this was a lot like the many Grand Final party’s we’ve been to back in Australia. It’s a bit of a shame there’s no public holiday on the Monday after the Super Bowl , Sunday night finishes are not really the best way to celebrate your premier sporting event . Apart from a dud of a game we are happy to socialise with fellow parents and soak in the Super Bowl American style .

I was hoping that was Tom Brady’s head , but no it was a ram in pigs clothing .

Dreadful weather here . After a small respite last week the rain has returned , this time its brought squally on shore winds .It really does feel Melbourne in winter ; I didn’t see this coming . What I did see was the LA Rams playing in the Super Bowl, what I didn’t want to see is the New England Patriots as their opponent. Unfortunately the weather has subdued the party atmosphere a bit . Our spit roast bbq invite has changed address to a suburb away due to the threat of rain , shit there’s no walking home now .Weird , I’m sick of saying it , it sounds like a Howie cliche ,but it’s apt . It does feel weird to have a team you’ve adopted in a new city on the other side of the world play in a Granny ( Super Bowl ) , and to then go to our 1st Super Bowl party in a competing teams home town .The Rams aren’t exactly a home town team with an old loyal following , although they started in LA and went to St.Louis and have only just returned . Nervous ? No . Hopeful ,yes ,but not confident .If the Rams lose they’ll join the Dodgers , and yes Boston ( Part of New England ) beat them in the final of the baseball World Series . I know you don’t care back there , but this will be a buzzz today . Geezus if the RAMs win bunker down in LA tonight , there’s gonna be lead flying and the police are gonna be busy . Go you fucken Rambaggers