Marcus still scouts our every move . As soon as I get home he’l call or message me , morning and afternoon . It’s harmless but relentless . ” No Marcus , I don’t wanna go for a walk . No I can’t be bothered going for lunch . Sorry mate I’m busy . ” Eventually I weaken and let him in and concede . His advice on everything is frustrating as he’s no role model , but his love of all things marijuana has finally chipped away at my guard . I’ve had some painful joint pain in my left knee . It’s a savagely sharp biting pain that comes when the leg turns or pivots inwards . The knee is always sore and it is another case of me avoiding the American medical system . We have cover and it’s a matter of time before i’l need to act . Marcus preaches his CBD ointment and he insists that I use it . I do . I’m dead against it at 1st . Not because I’m sceptical but because I don’t want to concede that Marcus is right . And yes I am sceptical . It worked so well that I forgot about the knee all day and I only thought about it a couple of days later . That’s when I realised he was right . This shit maybe pretty good . I’ve tried it once before at an athletics track meet and I didn’t notice any improvement but this was s different product . . “Ok , Ok . Fuck it you’ve made your point . Let’s go down to the market to see your guy ” . While Marcus molests and accosts the market stall staff I talk to Steve , the CBD man . I try his CBD chocolate cake . He says it subdues pain and anxiety . The amount is too small and I don’t notice anything later . I sample his ointment by rubbing it on my knee . I tell him i’l be back after I check the other stalls . 10 minutes later and that grinding boney pain has all but disappeared. Fuck , this shit is the real deal . There is nothing that has worked so thoroughly , including over the counter painkiller , anti inflammatories and other sports rubs . I’m back at his tent and buy the cream . $78 US . It should last 6 to 12 months . Not cheap but this stuff is ridiculous, it’d be awesome for arthritic pain . I also grab the CBD oil . This is the stuff you squirt a couple of drops on your tongue before bed if your anxious, pent up or have a head ache . I’l have some tonight as I have a head ache and will put it to the test . Remember these treatments have the psychoactive compounds ( THC) removed . Finally , I’m very aware of the pitfalls associated with weed . I’ve been there , but this is the side of the story that is most fascinating. California will milk every drop . Today i’l be the guinea pig Check it out

Well here we are . Finally we’ve forced him to make a decision . It’s fair to say he’s tested the boundaries . How will I say it ? Let’s just put it this way ; some enforced school lay offs . Aggressive , contemptuous, arrogant , charismatic , butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth , it’s not his fault . It probably is , just as much as it is ours . He has his issues and he is being treated but Tex needs a focus . He thinks he’s the man and is probably the alpha male in his school . Remember this is Hermosa Beach , not exactly the hood , but still we may as well try and harness this . It mightn’t work, as Tex hates discipline but this is the place for MMA . The UFC is king in California , self defence , martial arts schools and gyms are everywhere . Today we’ve headed to the Black House , a Brazilian jui jitsu establishment in North Redondo . We are still in the SouthBay , but are closer to Hawthorn Boulevard which is an imaginary line that separates the white collar from the blue . I’ve already been told the head trainer will be leaving to train international fighters in Singapore. Their other studio is an invite only establishment set up for fighters looking to advance to the big leagues . Hopefully Tex takes the bait as this a very hands on , physically empowering discipline . Body strength , wrestling , willpower and technique are important , but straight away it’s on . This could be the beginning and something he can be good at . I see it . On a funny side note ; Tex and I were arguing about a girl we saw on the beach in Elporto . A Brazilian girl in her thong with the most ridiculous body . She turned up with baby in hand as we were leaving , her husband trailed . He was only 6ft 6 and bigger than ‘Arnie ‘. That’ll be last time i’l take a sideways glance at her .

I sat up alone with the volume down on the tv as the Dodgers scratched away at another post season berth . I couldn’t watch on my iPad as the Apple subscription has been playing up . It’s still weird listening to Australian radio when you’re living in LA. 20 minutes in ,Gary Lyon and Danny Frawley were declaring Collingwood one goal away from finishing the Eagles off . I knew it . Just thought the Pies will do a Richmond circa 2017 . Shit i’l hang in and give it until quarter time . It was one of those nights when you suspected you might be half a chance . I could go to bed now and tap Emma on the shoulder . No i’l hang on a bit longer. When that horrible Collingwood chant reverberates all the way to the other side of the world I’l take the headphones off and try my luck . Half an hour later I’m still listening . The tell tale signs of the team striking late in a 2nd quarter had me thinking the Eagles were gonna break some hearts . I had to listen until the end . It was totally riveting , my heart was beating and my feet were sweating but you get one chance in a life time ….. oh shit they were sort of words from some rap song . Anyway, I went to bed at midnight and couldn’t sleep for the next 2 hours . I have some sympathy for a few friends who had to suffer such a finish , but not too much . Remember , I support Stkilda and our pain is unsurpassed. Yep , I really wish I was back home for this . What a game , and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it . They still think I’m talking about rugby . WestCoast Eeeeeegles , we’re flying high . Just check this sunset as I reminisce Friday night …. Grandfinal night .

Grandfinal night . Get used of it , it’s coming to Melbourne soon . It’s still a weird feeling to not be preparing for a bbq , reading the papers , listening to the radio and just the saturation of Grandfinal day . A totally foreign event to California . Can I line it up to anything here ? No , not even the Super Bowl is met with the same fervour and commitment that the Aussie Grandfinal brings . It might make you laugh but the closest correlation I can come up with is Halloween…… no joke . To be so quiet , so immune , so removed from this holiest of days is surreal . Even the grey , almost bleak weather feels like Melbourne . Tonight will be quiet , i’l watch the scores and I don’t really care who wins , as long as it’s not Collingwood . It feels different to last year ; I woke up with an overwhelming gut feel that Richmond would win . It’s funny , when you’re removed from the noise things can become clear . Tonight ..,… I don’t know ? I’l say Collingwood because they’re midfield is better and they’ve got more grunt , but ………… not sure. So sing along with me. ” We’re Eagles and we’re flying highhhhhh !!!!

I’ve had the 2006 Nissan Pathfinder for 15 months now . It’s been running rough for a while now . The engine lights been on the whole time but I haven’t wanted to spend the money . Yep not a habit I had in Aus but little things bug me over here . Car repairs and the quotes here are at least the same as back home , if not slightly more expensive . It irritates me as you know the wages are poor here , so it’s obvious someone is doing well . After being pulled over for having the car unregistered , a chain of events have been set in motion . I’m forced to get it registered but I’ve caught a lucky break ; I’ve got roadside assist and can pay through their office . I get in there and the 1st of a series of frustrations begin . ” Sir we have not got card facilities, you must pay in cash or Californian cheque “. My shoulders slump and I turn my head to either side to multiple staff serving clientele. ” Are you serious ? And what do I need to pay ?” , I reply in exasperation. “It will be $286 sir . ” Ok , I have to now leave and find an eftpos machine and come back to line up to pay . I’m not real happy . I’m back in 15 minutes with $300 cash . ” Have you got the exact amount sir ? ” ” No , I have $300 cash . Is that ok ? ” ” So you don’t have $286 ?” “Yes I have . I have $300 in cash ” ” So you will need change sir ? “. ” Yes , I will “. Now you can see my patience is getting thin . ” Ok , sir have you got your smog test receipt with you ? “, she asks . “Smog test ? I didn’t know I needed one ?” ” Yes sir . You will need a smog test pass with appropriate paperwork. When you come back with that I can give you your registration sticker . For now you will have a note on the system that your registration is paid waiting on a smog test pass “. “Ok, so I can rock up anywhere and put my car in for a smog test ?” , I ask “It’s possible you might get it done today but you could have to wait a day or two ” , she replies . I head off and find a smog shop in no time . I ask the guy if he can test my car and he’s says sure ,but once I show him my registration request he informs me that he he is not AAA approved and I will have to find a AAA dealer . I find the next guy up the road and he squeezes me in . I go for a walk and come back to find that my car has failed on the account of the engine light being on . I knew it would come back to bite me on the arse , and here it is . He can’t test the car until it is serviced and the engine light switched off . He says he can do it tomorrow. Eventually the engine light is fixed for a further $286 , with the car now booked in for Friday for a further $50 smog test . After all this I then get to go back AAA roadside assist to get my registration sticker . Did I say I learn the hard way ?

Every year the view ( elementary)school has an introductory picnic. It’s a good idea . A good way for parents and kids alike to reacquaint an introduce . It’ll be the 1st year that we go. Emma is away with her Aussie mates Deb and Justine , so it’s the boys and I . Yes , Tex will be here , and for the reasoning ? Let’s just say discipline.. , grounded , but under close supervision for seriously being a fucking …. !!! Pain in the arse !! Anyway , it all adds up to me being very thirsty , and not for some healthy kombucha feel good stuff . I need something stiff . Alas I’m driving , the .08 limit only allows me to get loose and the idea that booze busses actually exist here , makes it tempting to be bad , but no I’m in Hermosa Beach and I might get a reputation as being irresponsible. Better not . Still I grab the boys and head to the supermarket. I need some beer , chips , blue cups and ,I’m ready . ” Dad what am I gonna sit on ” , Leroy says . Ohh fuck , I’ve forgotten the blanket. I can see it now . We ( I ) turn up with a 6 pack , potato chips in a small esky and nothing else . Shit , i better buy a blanket or towel or something so we are not obvious . We settle on an American flag towel . Never thought I’d do it but at $12.99 I’m all over it . We’re there . Leroy’s freaked out . ” Dad your not allowed beer in there , there’s security and you’l embarrass me if you get drunk . ” ” Cut it out Leroy , it’s me ? the king of Mornington, what’s to worry ? ” We arrive . There’s scouts , adventure guides , school fundraisers , a young girl band ( pretty good too ),guess the lollies in the jar and all that feel good stuff . We skirt round the back . Leroy and Tex want me to hide out behind everyone . I look around at one table and picnic set up and laugh to myself . Carrots , celery , fruit and a giant barrel of Kombucha . Geezus can we not loosen up and pretend to be perfect just occasionally , even if it is a school event . I know what I’m looking for and find her : Megan. I knew she wouldn’t let me down . The sun glowing through her golden locks with that well used white sipper cup . Amen Megan . There’s alcohol being consumed . Before long there’s a small posse of us having a couple of beers whilst shooting the breeze . Even had Hamish the Kiwi doing his regular comedy serenade ( he seriously has a pilot series that he’s trying to sell to Hollywood ) . Yep , even had the American flag around my shoulders ……. yeah I know …,.. really wrong . Moral of the story : salt n vinegar chips and a few beers won’t hurt a school picnic , even with blue sipper cups To anyone back home I’m sorry , this image is disturbing

Was at Leroy’s soccer training the other day . I noticed the kids all kneeling down looking at the ground . One of the kids raced over to the sidelines and declared that they’d found a gopher . A gopher ? Are they real ? I go over and check it out and sure enough there’s a neat little hole in the middle of the soccer pitch . I thought the dogs were responsible for all the holes . Still I didn’t believe it . The kids were excited and laughing . Ok , surely something was down there . I scoped it , but nothing . Later as we packed up to leave something caught my eye . Did I see that little fucker , a grey little fur ball . I stay still and lock in and sure enough he comes up . Honestly he looks like a cock in a sock with buttons for eyes , not even joking . Funniest little fucker I’ve seen . I thought beauty this will he the best photo , but after 5 minutes the little fucker didn’t come up for air . but when you see this burrow you gotta admit it looks like something’s living down there . I’l eventually prove it , just wait to you see this funny little grey fucker . Think Caddyshack and you’ve got the image . True

Friday I got my license, Monday I’m pulled over . I opened my mouth too soon . I said I hadn’t been pulled over yet and it was unlikely , until now . I was exiting Trader Joes shopping centre when I saw a patrol car parked in the car park . At 1st I thought it odd but then I reasoned he could’ve been here for many reasons . I had to drive to Vonns shopping Centre to get other needs that Trader Joes doesn’t provide . As I was turning left I noticed that the same cop at the car park was right behind me . On Pier Avenue at the most visual point in our town the blue and red lights started to flash in my rear vision mirror . Surely he doesn’t want me ? Fuck it , he does . I’m thinking I’ve done everything by the book so I’m not sure what the problem is . Once completely stopping the car a 2nd patrol car also arrives , flanking my vehicle and blocking the next lane in traffic . Geeezus , what’s this all about ? As I said they don’t fuck around over here , so I kick back and await my fate . ” How are you driver ? I noticed on your number plate that the registration sticker has expired at August 2018. Can I see your license please?” Shit , I think I left the interim piece of paper in our fruit bowl at home and I can’t explain the rego bit off the top of my head . “Sorry officer , but I just got my license on Friday and I’ve left it at home and………… the registration , I’m not sure we got any type of reminder ( probably did but sent to our old address , something I didn’t think of under pressure ) . ” Yes driver but you should carry your license at all times and your registration receipt will indicate the expiry . “. I once again fall back onto my biggest advantage . ” Gee maaayte I’m sorry , I’m not used to the American system and all . ” I have the paper receipt with the paper insurance sitting in my glove box . They love paper over here . I am frustrated but don’t dare show it . An email reminder or some type of electronic message would help in the modern age but ultimately it’s my problem . The officer grabs my Australian drivers license and takes down my address and then walks to the back of the car . The officer calls in the details whilst his buddy stands out wide . I’m guessing he’s there in case I decide to take off , which is a bad idea over here . 20 minutes later the officer returns and asks me to sign a little piece of white triplicate paper and tells me that he has issued me with a written warning . ” Oh thanks maaayte , your a good bloke , i really appreciate it .” He has a quizzical look on his face . I actually think he just wants to hear me talk while at the same time he struggles to comprehend what I’m saying . I’m pretty sure if I was in Melbourne I would’ve been up for a hefty fine with no leniency ,but here …….. I’m lucky to be an Aussie.

That’s what I’d call our community . It’s not a description I came up with but it’s apt the more I think about it . Political correctness is heightened here , look out Melbourne we’re not there yet . It’s ok to be sensitive , it’s ok to not want to offend and it’s ok to avoid conflict but I’m sick of chaining up honesty , a sense of humour and fun . Leroy’s playing soccer , never thought I’d see the day . Got to be honest , it’s a sport I appreciate but don’t love . Of the 3 team sports Leroy has played over here this seems to be the one that has a hang up with parents . I get it , the kids are playing , not us. Encouraging kids is the only sound we need . Keeping your thoughts on things you don’t like are best expressed in private . Every now and again you get a ref who likes to be the centre of attention and that’s ok …… sort of . Anyway you gotta suck it up . The games over and I’m watching one of Leroys mates play in the next game . We are about 15 meters behind the goal . There’s a corner kick and I yell out , ” hey Beau , I’ll give you $20 if you can head this in . ” He looks at me confused and says , ” I’m defending , it will be a own goal .” I laugh and say ” ok I’m guessing you not gonna want the $20 .” That’s when the ref stops the game and calls me out .. “Hey , dad … zip it . We don’t need your commentary from behind the goal . ” He motions the zipping movement across his lips . I’m speechless , I smile on and nod my head . Leroy looks at me and whispers ” Dad , please don’t say anything .” ” Don’t worry Leroy , I wouldn’t want to offend anyone . People might get upset . ” A couple of parents walk past and there’s a stiffness in their body language . It’s like a subconscious barrier that can’t be hidden ….. ‘ oh the ref spoke to you , you bad man ‘ . When it all passes I mention to a couple of parents that I think this was an over reaction and that I thought the ref was a nob . I don’t get much of a response . I’m digging myself deeper . This is where kids sport is heading , I’m getting worried . Here in Hermosa we are kings of social decorum . We can’t even get in the school grounds to pick our kids up until the final bell has ring . They lock us out with a gate . They reckon we are a distraction to the kids in class , preciousness over load . I still walk in the back entry as this is where the cars come in . I sit down on the benches provided and quietly laugh to myself as the masses wait at the front gate . What’s wrong with an email or a sign warning parents to keep the noise down ? But no we take it to the next level . Walking around on egg shells , prancing around pretending we are in a Walt Disney movie , keeping little Johnnie all wrapped up in cotton wool . Ohh fuck , I guess I’m a dinosaur, a creature of the past , someone who can take the piss and receive it … and someone who knows what’s stupid and who a nob is .

It’s uniquivocal . The evidence was there to see . The data came in and it proved that the battle of the sexes is over , there is a breed of superior driver . Today was the day for my drivers test . I must say I felt a little worried . Actually rated myself only marginally better than a 50 /50 proposition . I just doubted myself to stay rigid . Sometimes common sense has to give way to the rules , and I like some of my own rules better ….. Never mind , it’s time to suck it up . Laura picked me up an hour early to run me through a few things . My instructor was half my age and not too bad on the eye . It made me feel like a grandpa who has to be retested once he hits 80 . We hit the DMV early . Laura reckons it’s worth a shot , we might get lucky and have no other drivers in the queue. She was right , all of a sudden I’m waiting in the car for the executioner. Out he comes , 6 ft 4 , jet black and of African appearance . He looked pissed . He mumbles his name and stares at me with a frown . Fuck it , I’m not gonna be quiet , so I rely on my number 1 asset …. “G’day maaayte I didn’t catch ya name ? “He mumbles it again . I can’t remember it now , but it’s hard to pronounce. I look him in the eye as we shake hands . “G’day maaaayte .” Yep , I broke him . I can see his lip curl up and a sparkle in his eye ,only momentarily but it’s enough . The hard arse persona is just that , an act . From that moment on it’s a ‘lay down misere . ‘A couple of small kinks on the way , but easy . At one stage he even hit the brakes as he almost drifted off . No bullshit , he really lost concentration and stretched out and actually engaged the brakes from his side . 10 minutes later and it’s over . I passed , even thought he took me back early as he lost interest . ………… Read it and weep …….., 6 points lost out of 15 . Emma ? 9 points lost . As I said , it’s settled , men are better drivers . The evidence is irrefutable.