Ok , my buddy next door has rang me 6 times in 2 days . Told you I made a mistake or 3 . Now , I’ve got another friend who’s gonna give Mike ( ok , it’s Marcus) a run for his money . I say friend super loosely . It’s more that after a while ,I’ve let a couple of borderlines into my circle of 1 . That circle is now 3 , but it ain’t no circle .Its a fucked up shape of a ball bag right now. You see I’ve met a guy through class that has decided to attach himself to me . He is a far travelled , eccentric guy who is on the edge . He also is a brilliant therapist but has a personality that is forthright and confronting . Ok , I’m soft . I’ve given him time and he wants to teach me ….everything . Today while working with him he invited me to take a drive with him up to Palos Verdes . He wanted to show me his bike route ( he was once a world class cyclist …. apparently) .I said “ok” . You know when you say ok but don’t mean it , cause you know this is gonna get ‘tropical ‘ . Sure enough I jump into his Porsche Boxster and before long he’s got his dope pipe out , puffing away whilst weaving through traffic 20 miles over the speed limit . Fuck ……. here we go . He offers me a gasp on his pipe and I oblige . I need to be sedated , and I’m locked in now , so I better just ride this out . As we get through traffic he lets his baby stretch out along the bends . We are only travelling at about 160ks an hour. I’m trying not to focus , but all I can see is me being ripped apart as our Porsche loses traction at a 100 miles an hour and rolls, or should I say flies off the cliffs of Palos Verdes .The engine is revving and throttling whilst my buddy approaches blind corners , overtaking , breaking late , cutting off other cars and bating them into street battles. Fuck me dead …. did I say I make a mistake or 4 , and all in one week . Eventually we ascend to the top of the hill looking over Trump Golf Course At this stage I’m relieved , until we start going down …. or should I say ,fucking flying ! He has the Porsche grinding , jumping sideways as it fights to hold traction on bends that slide out over 300 feet drops . Oh Howie ..,,,, you’ve fucken misjudged this badly . It ain’t getting tropical , it’s getting apocalyptic. It becomes clear , I’m gonna die in California … today . I knew I shouldn’t of toked on that pipe . 160 ks plus paranoia don’t mix . Did I say I was dumb ? Eventually we get down onto the coastal road and ‘old mate ‘ has backed off , until he gets overtaken by a hotted up Nissan Skyline . …. This can’t be happening . We are now in a high speed street drag along a coastal road with traffic and sweeping bends and hills that meet sheer cliff drops …. Did I tell you I can make a mistake ? We fly up side by side with this dude . He’s a tough looking Mexican hombre who’s up for the fight .. but my pilot is a fucken kamakaze , crossing double white lines on a blind corner , overtaking , shutting down the brakes and veering back in , cutting off the skyline . Ohh fuck this dude is pissed , but he ain’t gonna beat a madman in a Boxster . Approaching a set of lights turning red my man guns it through ridiculously late . The skyline brakes hard . Thank fuck. Dying in a high speed drag race or being shot at a set of lights was not how I thought it would end . It’s over , we are on the way home and I’m starting to breathe . I’m thinking I’m gonna blog about this but no one will believe it . But it ain’t over yet . He pulls into a coastal community with a steep wide open road . I’m instructed to get in the drivers seat and follow him down the road as he skateboards down , banking from one edge to the other . I’m to act as a barrier from cars following from the rear . I follow him as flies at high speed . I’m preying he doesn’t crash , as i’l have to drive his car back with him to emergency . By this time we’ve got 15 minutes to get back for school drop off . … Of course it works out fine as we only need 8 minutes . We get back to the school and I’m dropped off out front as the engine is revved up nice and high for all the tennis mums to see my entry . I’ve got 5 minutes , so I go to my car and slump into the front seat …… . Did I say I can make a mistake ? I was gonna keep this quiet , Emma wouldn’t be impressed. But fuck it , I had to tell you ..,,, Only in America

We moved in a month ago and not long after I got the ‘… hello’ . That has been rare since moving here . I’ve decided that I’m part to blame and will put more effort in and try and engage with neighbours and parents I meet at school . As I I’ve said I’m soft and can occasionally be too open to people who ….. you know…. are fucken pains in the arse . “How you going there ” a voice yells out from across the road “. “I’m good mate , yourself ?” . “Oh , you’re an Aussie , I used to be married to one .I lived in Double Bay in Sydney and in Perth”. “Shit , ok , that’s cool”. “We should catch up ” he replies . “Sure “, I reply . I didn’t know it at that time but I’d just opened myself up . Over the next few days Mike ( name change , yeah I’m paranoid)was there to greet me when I got home , always yelling out ‘hi . ‘ When Emma went to Paris he had noticed and insisted I come over to his small front yard and have a beer . I did ( shouldn’t have ) . Before long he had Leroy and myself upstairs . He’s great with kids and had Leroy wrapped around his finger . Once upstairs it soon becomes obvious Mike is seriously unhinged . The joint was a pigsty , with various smoking paraphernalia and the strong pungent smell of dope . I’m fidgeting and trying to come up with an out clause , but Mike is quickly raging on about his life story . Don’t worry , I trust him with Leroy , he has five kids .He has Leroy playing darts in his tiny living area , music blaring, he slips into some gym apparatus and flips himself upside down ,and then tokes on a joint made out of a palm leave . I kid you not , I thought I was in some movie , as this couldn’t be any crazier . After his continual hounding I take a puff myself, knowing Leroy is busy in the other room playing darts . As I turn to go back ,there’s Leroy at the door watching . He had come to get me as a dart had missed the board and got stuck in the wall . Whoops , this a real no no on my part, fortunately he thinks it’s a cigarette. ( he told Emma , I got in trouble …. fair enough ) Within minutes the guilt and the paranoia of my action has kicked in. I tell Marcus we are going home . He then goes on a diatribe about how the affect of the marijuana has shut me down and I should stay and have more as I will come around again . Fuck , what have I got myself into . Eventually we leave with a heap of new baseballs and a special hitting bat under Leroy’s arm . He’s now even more attached to us. I’m making one mistake after the other . We agreed to have a bbq tomorrow. I just said anything to get out of there ….another mistake . Sure enough he’s waiting for me again the next day . “I’ve got the meat defrosted , are we ready to bbq up “, he yells . Oh fuck .. what do I say . I eventually squirm out of it unconvincingly . He’s not happy and tells me I’ve left him in the lurch . Eventually the next night I come over and cook his meat for him and make him a salad . I’m trying to make amends, another mistake . “I’l grab you’re number Troy , so I can call you , to come over “. I give it to him , I don’t know what else to do , but there’s another mistake . I told you I’m soft .. and occasionally stupid . Before long he’s off to a music festival in San Francisco ( he’s 67 years old !) and he’s left his house keys with me . He gets me to open his windows once he’s gone as he’s bombed the house with pesticide as he’s getting eaten alive . It isn’t any wonder with the state of the joint , the little fuckers have probably got the munchies as they’d be permanently stoned with the fumes . He now rings me most days and continually wants me to come over and fix stuff or help him , but he just wants the company . He will come through the front door without invite if the doors open ….. I now try and keep it shut . Now he wants to take Emma and I to dinner tonight at 6 pm . I’ve told Emma under no circumstances is she to be home on time . Yep I’ve found a friend ….. I just hope that when and if I cut the cord on our little affair he’l take it in good faith . You do know guns are common over here ?

It’s finally come to this , it’s the moment as a parent that you dread and relish . After a thoroughly enjoyable introduction to kids single A baseball in the country of its origin ,your kid is sent into bat to win the game . Oh Geezus , poor old Leroy was in this position just on a week ago . And guess what ? It’s the same opposition , same scoreline ( 7 to 6 , 2 men out and bases loaded . Last innings ) . Rewind back . You remember the painful finish and the tears . Having being caught out in the deep by an excellent catch from arguably the comps best player . Leroy dragged me home that night and practised until dark , in fact he hasn’t let up since . He’s been rehearsing for this moment all week , and by a ridiculous quirk in the draw and unfolding of the game , the moment of redemption has arrived . I got up this morning and I thought ” this is it , I think the seasons gonna finish tonight ” , thank god . All game we have the upper hand and then a beautiful hit over 1st base to the fence by our best hitter has given us 4 runs and almost certain victory . But wait ….. the ref didn’t see it as he was watching 2nd base . The refs are young too , probably 11 or 12 . Confusion reigns as each coach debate the call . It’s decided it’s a foul , the 4 runs are rescinded . Most people can’t believe the call , but it’s kids sport and as adults it’s not our game . I smile to myself , it’s meant to be . The pitch is replayed and our kid hits it in the air and is caught , finishing the innings . We are 2 runs behind now with 1 out . I look to the dugout and suddenly get very nervous . I’ve estimated that Leroy is 4 kids down the order and may just likely get to bat to win or lose . And fast forward …. here it is . I’m standing back now , I look over at Emma in the grandstand and she’s as stiff as a board , eyes fixated and I can see her throat swallowing . This is the biggest crowd so far , as families from beaten teams and finished games have all converged . This is great theatre but it also isn’t fair . One kid should not be put under so much pressure . Leroy strides out , and the advice from over the fence comes quick . The coach pauses play and gives (Leroy ) him a pep talk . Then it goes quiet . He’s always measured , clinical almost . He watches the 1st ball . ….. Maybe the season isn’t over . Suddenly I feel calm . Yep it’s his turn . He’l hit it well , I’m convinced . And he does , it blasts along the ground ….. one problem. The same kid ( a year older and foot taller ) from last time is there . He scoops the ball up ( no easy feat for most at this level ) and sprints to 2 nd base and affects the runout . Season over . Like the scene from a week ago , the kids pile onto Jimmy , whilst Leroy looks on distraught . …. This time it’s different . Leroy holds his tears and accepts that it wasn’t his fault . Sometimes sports is about doing your best and putting yourself out there . They are only kids , and this is a scenario that will come again . We will all enjoy the journey and maybe the hard work and want will eventually yield a different result . He and they are only kids , and only 5 minutes later they are playing around and laughing , already letting go of what just happened . Just wish I could. It’s good to be a kid . On a side note : this kids baseball season has been a great experience , one of the highlights of living in the US . You pinch yourself sometimes and ask if this is real ? Can I really be here watching my kid play a sport that is a National love in the biggest country in the world ? Can’t wait for next season .

She looks at me with eyes wide open and slowly shakes her head . So I repeat myself , “Hi I’m Troy , so howda ya guys know Gaz and Em ?” Tammy looks at me and starts laughing . ” I can’t understand a word you’re saying ?” I smile , and look at Emma , Michael and Robert . They’re all nodding their head with a broad smile and a glint in their eyes . We are at a Memorial Day bbq with a bunch of Aussies , Canadians and some yanks of course . ” Oh shit , you really can’t understand a word I’m saying ” , I say slowly . Emma cuts in and tells me I’ve got to slow down and use less words . I shake my head and say nah , I speak English . Eventually Tammy occasionally gets the gist of the conversation . It turns out she’s from Minnesota and wait for it …….. is a linguist. She is fluent in 8 languages and reckons that my accent is that thick that I’m inaudible. Her profession has seen her travel extensively through Europe . She tells me I have the strongest of accents and compares my play on words to the broadest of Scottish accents . She attempts to repeat my words back to me …. it’s a complete mumble , with her mouth barely open . I laugh , “geezus , it ain’t tha ba ” she looks at me shaking her head . ” I can’t understand you , you’re crazy , you don’t speak English “. Nah , I get it all right , but I’m riding this all the way back home . I’l get a laugh outta this as long as I can .

It’s 10pm on Friday night . I’m watching the footy . What’s new? I’m in California . I haven’t watched a game for 18 months , bar the grand final . Do I miss it ? Yes . Ok I barrack for Stkilda , and it looks depressing , as per normal . You watch it on the iPad and it’s hard to see ,but one things obvious , it’s a poor spectacle . I’ve been fortunate to be watching a polished , milked and almost manufactured product . US sport , I hated it , set up for commercial tv , but that’s it’s strength , it’s easy on the eye . Most Americans don’t know that the AFL exists, they think we play rugby ( union) . The few that have seen Aussie rules think it’s a crazy helter skelter game . I always shook my head and thought typical Yanks , they know nothing . Now I’m not so sure .

I sat down and flicked through the tv channels until I stumbled across the horse racing . This is unusual , the horse racing is something you don’t see over here .Ok , you don’t see much sport outside of LA , full stop . The Preakness stakes , the 2nd leg of the famed triple crown ( Kentucky derby , Preakness stakes , Belmont stakes ) was on telecast . This is the sort of stuff you miss , the Spring Carnival and the general love of racing and heading to the races for the day is not something that is done here . Getting dressed up and celebrating with friends with the races just being an excuse to party is alien . In fact I wouldn’t know where to go to have a bet without going on line .Its not the place for sitting down and having a beer whilst betting on the naggs , betting money would be used for tipping the bar staff . So , I sat down and watched the worlds best horses ( yes , the worlds best is often used in American sports ) do there thing in the gloomy fog . I was ready big time to report on how bad the commentary and presentation was and how I wasn’t impressed with horses running on the dirt ( mud ) , but I was wrong . The lead up , the national Anthem ( the best anthem , haka aside ) and the horse favoured to take the 2nd leg , with a flamboyant only in America trainer quickly roped me in . And then the race as a spectacle left me with goosebumps all over , with the mighty ‘Justify ‘ , a natural leader being taken on all the way , hanging on as the field swamped . I loved it , but there was no one to tell . They’re not into it . Betting ? ..,.. You mean the stock market ? … “No , the horse races “. Oh , where do they race ?” Never mind . No Melbourne cup bbqs here .

If you blinked it was over . It’s something we’ve all seen before , nothing original here .You know there is the NBA finals , and the Dodgers have turned the corner . All newsworthy. This was the week of the Royal wedding , huge here. America have at last got a real princess , and boy don’t we know about it . You can’t condemn the Yanks for getting excited , Australia would probably be worse . I’m just saying ….. if you wanna be famous this was not the week to shoot up your class room . You knocked over 10 and injured a shitload more but this week it wasn’t as important as it would’ve been two weeks ago . There’s better topics to report .School shootings ………,, nahhh it’s all positive , we’ve got our new Princess .

Post birthday Saturday and it’s the beginning of junior baseball finals . Leroy’s team is the 2 nd ranked team going in and it plays a team that it has beaten twice and most recently tied with . The opposition is the best un ranked team and the most dangerous wild card . We’ve copped a dangerous quirk in the draw . Kids sport isn’t meant to be serious , but the crowd noise in the earlier games is ramped up .Sometimes you read it , you fear it , you see it , it’s inevitable . They win the toss and bat and score immediately . You talk to yourself and scold yourself for getting pent up over 7/8 year old baseball. No matter the age there are telltale signs .As a parent and a dad who’s played a bit of sport you see the script pretty early , this is going down to the wire . Before the game our kids are playing around, there kids are doing drills . It gets to the 3rd innings and we are still 1 nil down , in fact they are on the brink of breaking it open . Leroy takes a lovely catch and has the where with all to rush back to 2nd base and tag out a wandering kid . He has a knack for doing this and especially against this team . It’s a double play from no where and they are suddenly out with bases loaded . I know it sounds like I’m cheerleading and I admit my obvious bias but he’s having a cracker . We get lucky . Eventually we get to lead 6 to 5 , there are only 5 minutes on the clock . It’s game over …. No , it’s decided as it’s finals we’l play another innings . Our coaches are keen to call it quits , they even phone the league president, but no we are to play a 5th innings , yep you sense it . They score 2 and take the lead 7 to 6 . We bat and are quickly 2 out and no one on base . A couple of our lesser lights get to bat and get on base , and it’s as tense as it gets . The coach then pulls a batting change , Leroy’s shuffled up the order . We have kids on 2nd and 3rd . Oh shit I really feel for him . He’s the only kid who hasn’t struck out all year ( super rare) , everyone is cheering and offering advice . As a subplot, he just got a new heavier bat for his birthday . We’ve been practising with it but he’s not ready for it yet . He’s too small . He walks out with it . Oh Jesus , I told him you never change a bat that works for you . When he connects with this bat it flies , but he’s been missing a lot , as the weight is a struggle . I declare that he has never struck out and quickly want to throw the words back down my throat . Strike 1 , strike 2 …., I told him you never change a winning formula . Bang ! He cracks it straight over 2nd base , the little fucker has pulled it off and delivered a mvp birthday performance ……no …. , the oppositions best kid just happens to be floating out there , and you know it . Whilst all the parents around us jump to their feet I stay seated .The kid catches it at full stretch over his head . The opposition rush from everywhere and jump all over the kid . I smile , it’s ok , it’s kids sport , and I saw this coming . Leroy was great , he did no wrong and his last hit was only the 2nd of the night to reach the out field . It was fate and a lesson learned . You don’t just win , you’ve gotta earn it and you’ve gotta deserve it , and they’ve been on the receiving end to Leroy doing this very same thing . The poor little fucker never shows his emotions but he’s distraught, he’s actually crying and sobs for the next 20 minutes . It’s funny , but it feels like he got more admiration in losing . It’s a painful drive home . I come up with all the cliches about losing is learning , and you gave it your best and you’l bounce back bigger tomorrow ( yes , they’re still alive but are now in the tougher half of the draw ) but we both know that’s bullshit . It sux to lose . I ask him what he wants to do ?”Can I get you any take away treat ?……. ” You know what he wanted ? … To go to the park and practice . And that’s what we did . I threw him another 200 balls to hit until it was dark . The poor little fucker is shattered , he’l sleep well tonight

Emma’s off to Paris .I’m to get Leroy to school, get back for a teleconference and then drop Emma off to work . Afterwards I’ve volunteered to get a $10 massage to help a fellow student get his hours . This happens inside 11am . Am I selfish? Nah not me ….. I’m just saying that I knew in my gut that Murphy was gonna enforce his laws today . At 4 am I lie awake and I can hear it . There are waves , louder than usual and the wall of sound is constant . Can I consider reneging ? Shit …. I better not , but I know I’m letting this fish get away . Yeah , yeah . I know what you’re thinking . You’re spoilt , you’re sitting on your arse , living the life . On the beach . In California . In the sun . Getting a massage for $10 for Christ’s sake ! And you’re suggesting your not selfish ? Cause you might take a better option ? Too fucking right ! Look out my door and see what I’m looking at this morning at 730 .That wave , them lines . The forecast says it will be on shore by 1030am . It doesn’t happen like this often , true , it really doesn’t . I let it go and stick to my duty . I’ve stuffed my massage times up and its11am ( unlike me , to get details wrong ….. ok , not . ) By the time I’m ready to hit it , so is a thousand other guys . I decide to scramble back home , but it’s too late ,the wind has whipped on shore and what was once perfect conditions 300 m from Home is now crap . Living in LA , crowds … you can bank on it, onshore winds ….. lunchtimes most days . Moral of the story…….. be selfish

“There’s a lotta work out there Troy ,construction is booming . Unemployment is down to 4%. All you need is your license (building)and you can earn good money in the building game . “. I stay quiet , it’s not like I don’t realise there is work in this field but it is my skillset that is unique to this situation . No one really understands a caulkers role here . It isn’t needed and or not used . Everything is built with solid plywood and then rendered … no caulking needed externally . Internally it isn’t done , gaps on floorboard and cabinetry are left , tiles fully grouted and left to crack .It’s accepted good finish . Whoever applied the line it’s “near enough is good enough ” to the Aussie psyche should come over here . Not even close is near enough to good enough in California . “You should consider it Troy , if your handy and with your experience you can make a living . A guy I know started again . He started framing at $13 per hour and after 5 years is now dry walling ( plastering ) as well as framing , and is charging himself out at $18 per hour . ” I stay quiet , nodding my head , actually I’m squirming under the weight of guilt at not working . It’s a different system here , physical labour is the lowest form of employment . You do not see Anglo males in this field … period . I speak to my hairdresser Sierra . She tells me she spent $27000 to go through hair dressing college before going through a further 12 month traineeship. I asked her what she gets paid , I guessed at $20 per hour . She told me it was closer to half that . She gets commission on return clients , but mostly her wage is supplemented with tips . After 13 months I still haven’t met a parent outside of Emma and myself who hasn’t got a degree . One things for sure , this is not an environment to be under skilled or not ‘in the know ‘, and only certain skills pay ….. Get your degree .