It’s the 1st place identified for exploration once we settled in 12 months ago . I remember standing on the Hermosa pier , looking north, wondering . What’s it like up there ? The curve of the SouthBay starts to hook to the left. The waves look bigger yet they’re only a kilometre away . Eventually I settle and surf this stretch on the 28 th lifeguard tower . Early days I’d send videos and pictures of this location . It’s weird but 28 th tower was my football jumper number , so I felt a stupid attachment to this place . The real estate and the vibe up there had me daydreaming about living up there . A niche enclave with its own mini set of shops , deli , liquor store , bar and restaurant. You just pictured yourself walking to the beach , coming back home and then drifting across for a margarita in the courtyard bar while watching the sunset .Alas it was a pipe dream , for this area is highly sought after and extremely expensive . Fast forward : we’ve been watching it for a while . Events with our current digs had become uncertain , we expected to stay , but at the same time Emma and I had been browsing the rental market . This place kept on bobbing up in our conversation , but it surely will go ? It didn’t , so we assumed it had major flaws for the price range offered . Then things changed , we needed to get out and find a new place . For some reason we kept bypassing it . We eventually enquire but mixed communication meant we never got a reply . It wasn’t to be . Eventually after 6 weeks we check it out . We are told by the real estate agent we are expected to show an exemplary credit history and at least 12 months worth of rent in savings! You’ve gotta be fucking kidding , cross this joint off the list . 2 days later Mike the real estate agent sends an email wishing our family with ‘God’s blessing and good fortune’ and asks when do we want the keys ? …. What ? That’s it , it’s ours . The address 250, 28 th street , sitting 300 meters up , looking over tower 28 .

I hear it’s real expensive to live over there . ” It’s not cheap “, I reply . “Fuel , clothing , cars , alcohol , car registration , council rates, road tolls and fines are all 5O to 100% more expensive . “Wow, how do you guys manage a decent living standard ?” This is where you pause and try and leave your blunt forthright Australian thinking in the back pocket . Easy tiger , I know you wanna get out and knockm down but stay put ….. for now . ” Well , we get paid a lot more for starters ” . We are a small country with a high demand for local services . You can see the quizzical expression slowly spread over their face . They’ve got questions but are too polite and don’t want to offend . It’s a minor frustration you deal with on a daily basis . “Look , we’ve only got 24 million people and are growing rapidly , we’re highly regulated and taxed ( they hate that . Liberalism is king here ) . Trades and professionals are similarly paid , we have a big middle class . Schooling can be free , everyone has a right to free or very cheap medical care , with your personal right to add private cover to get you to the front of the queue . 4 weeks annual leave , long service , 10 days sick pay , compulsory retirement funds ……… do I need to go on ? ” , I say as gently and as massaging as I can . ” You really get all that”. ” Of course”, I say with a laugh . They’re conflicted . On the one hand they are impressed but also they don’t like the idea of trades being paid well or higher living costs and god forbid regulation , they hate that . Suing and counter suing is easier .They can’t understand , because in part they are institutionalised by the cut throat American system of standing on the next guys head to get to the top . Sharing is …. well not exactly caring . I explain that Home ownership is important and highly sort after , although increasingly difficult . I read that in LA only 33 % of dwellings are owner occupied . You get an idea of the wealth divide that handcuffs this country to the dog eat dog mentality . The taxes in California seem similar to Victoria, you just wonder what they spend it on , infrastructure or school funding isn’t one of them . Property prices and rent is ridiculously high here . Ok ,dining out is cheaper but it’s marginal . You’ve got a non disclosed tax on all items and then add tipping and you’re paying nearly the same . Serving size and good service will be the difference . Supermarket prices are similar , maybe slightly more expensive here with the exception of alcohol . Fast food , not much different . Furniture , the same . Designer clothing and shoes , I reckon 30 to 40% cheaper . Holliday’s are no cheaper . Airfares , similar . Standards in building and home comforts are definitely lower . Medical expenses can be horrible here .They think it’s expensive to live in Australia and we think it’s cheap to live in the US . Rural living aside ….. it’s just a myth . I know what I prefer .

We will not be released early from our lease in the advent of us finding a new premise . As I suspected , this may get tropical . We are to honour the May 30 deadline and it is our problem if we are successful in applying for a new rental . We are to pay out the final month , even if we move into another rental , wait to see what portion of our bond will be returned , all the while dealing with the potential costs and expectations of moving. Oh , so fucking charitable. What if we waited and then couldn’t find anything ?Do we move into a motel or like many poor fuckers do over here , their car!The moneeeee ! It’s all about da cash . I must say we have thoroughly looked after this place as we understand what it’s like to be the landlord .We wouldn’t sign a new 12 month lease but would continue to pay from month to month . No ,we were told .The owner will be moving back in , your lease will not be renewed . As we suspected, this is bullshit .Today it was confirmed the reason was the 12 month sign on , derrrrr . I’m guessing they’d change their mind if we signed on for a further 12 months , but it’s obvious now that we are dealing with a prick . We now have a contact who deals in these matters . This is how it works in this country . They have ‘people’ to deal with the …….,’people’. It’s another hurdle we face . I don’t want to relent and go back begging for another 12 months . Should I ? Fuck it , it’s game on .

I have been sitting on the knowledge for a couple of weeks now , but our tenure at our current digs has been terminated . It’s funny , we were told that we were great tenants and would we consider signing a 12 month extension ? Whilst at the same time being questioned about when we would pay our $150 fine for Tex being in the spa unaccompanied by an adult . We said we’d like to stay but didn’t want to be locked in , considering that our good mate ‘Doug the miserable ‘ would be scouting our every move . During some minor repairs to our leaking tiles we were then told our lease would not be renewed and we were required to be out of the premise by May 30 at 12 am . Apparently the owner will move back in , geez that’s a quick about face from being offered another 12 months . Love it , I knew they thought we were great tenants ! Watch this space as my gut tells me this has the potential to get nasty . It’s about to get tricky as we enter an extremely competitive and expensive rental market . There are Questions ? Will we get a favourable reference? ( doubtful) . Will we get our bond back ?( I think this place is going to get picked over by a fine tooth comb. I expect deductions for trivial details). What if we find a place now ? Can we opt out of our last months lease or are we expected to pay that and wait to see what we get back in bond while trying to come up with a bond for our new place ?This could get costly ? Not including removal costs . Then there’s property managers for new rentals , a breed that look at you as second class citizens . Oh so pleasant . “You must have a good credit history “. “We expect you’l have 12 months rent in savings ( 50 grand!!) . “We’l thoroughly check your history”. “We expect good references” “we need to know your worth back in Australia” ” your employment history ” And then there are the questions we ask . “I noticed there’s no ceiling fans or air conditioning “. …. the answer .. ” Just open the windows ” We are in California for Christ’s sake ! You expect me to pay extraordinary high rent and I’m to open the windows !! Yes , this is going to be fun . PS. As you may recall I warned that our run in with Doug and his decrepit allies would eventually lead to this result . Check mate Doug , you got us out . You miserable ^*++ .

I can still remember our last day in Australia like it was yesterday …..sort of . I had to ask Emma where we stayed on our last night before we left for the airport . We both can’t remember . How bad is that ? I wanted to get all mushy and sentimental but how can I when I can’t even remember my last day in Mornington . That scares me , maybe I’ve become detached a little more than I thought . I can remember having doubts ; is this really happening ? Gav and Vanessa had said goodbye and left for Inverloch , then it was the Murrays and i’l always remember Tara’s uncontrollable crying as she got back in the car . That was the moment I swallowed and realised it was real . Before that it was giving up our beautiful dog Choccie , the best one we’d had . The driver arriving to pick us up , asking if we were going on Holliday’s . “No mate we are moving to Los Angles for real .” A beautiful sunny day as I look over my shoulder and visually say goodbye to our home and the best of neighbours , trying to photograph the image and imprint it in my memory bank . It worked . Staying at the airport hotel and having a Carlton Draught on tap and listening to the working class language in the sports bar . Boarding , looking out at the runway remembering the days I actually spent out there on my hands and knees with Kim , caulking away . I remember typing a message to everyone we knew to look up in the sky cause the Howard’s were about to fly over and say bye one more time . ….. Landing , getting through the harsh surrounds of LAX . I ‘l never forget the 1st time I had to drop the kids off to school , driving the opposite side in school traffic , almost literally shitting myself as the nerves had loosened my bowels , realising that even the shortest of trips can take longer than expected in LA traffic . Denver , Estes Park with its beautiful snow covered mountains , Palm Springs and it’s 45 degree heat, Santa Barbara , Long Beach , Downtown , Malibu , Orange County , Leguna Beach and a host of others . We’ve been there . Add Yosemite , SanFran , Indian Wells , and SanDiego from our previous visit and you can say we’ve given it a fair crack . NBA basketball , cheap American beer ( the best stuff) , ridiculous sunsets and crazy long summers . A years gone by and I have to say I miss Australia as badly as I ever have, but we’ve been true to our word . We are throwing ourselves out there , the kids have become acclimatised . Tex has a strong American accent ,Leroy is baseball mad ( and bloody good at it ) , Emma is doing what what we always knew she would …. killing it . Me well , I’m surfing more and trying my hand at something totally new . 1 YEAR down already .We’l be back , but for now this is Home ( can’t believe I’m saying that )

You turn up , you look around but no one is here . Baseball , basketball , massage classes , appointments even at Emma’s work . It’s last minute and not before . Self doubt starts to tick away . Have I got the right address ? Did I not check the details properly ( I’m the grand champ for that ) . Fuck , I’ve totally ballsed the times up . Then , not 1 minute before time , one car turns up , followed by another and then it’s practically ‘rent a crowd ‘ . Mass arrival occurs , spilling into what I’d call …late . It’s the way it tends to work over here . Fashionably late is being on time and getting there early is , well …. it doesn’t happen . Call it time management , LAs hideous traffic or just plain lazy , but don’t waste your time coming early or even on time , come 5 minutes after and no one will even notice .

Talk about weird , I’m not entirely sure of what I’m doing , but here goes . Toby picks me up and we drive through the backstreets , it’s dark , Leroy’s already gone to sleep . We arrive at a dimly lit field out the back of a school . Toby assures me it will be a crackup . I follow Toby over like some shy child . I’m introduced to Julian , Lee , Joe , Paul and a few other blokes . Julian suggests Toby and I throw a few to each other . I drop the first 4 or 5 , the softball is twice the size of a baseball . It can easily slip out of your catching glove . There’s already a game on and you can hear the banter . Some guys are sucking on cans of light beer before they go out to bat , then there’s the clouds of funny smoke . Theres all sorts; rough hicks ( bogans ) , young guys , older white collar , some that would trip over there own feet and of course there were some sharks who knew how to play a bit . We are called in by Julian and the jibes and joking about at least coming second were at play . I’m told I’m catcher , WTF!! Ya mean I have to mask up and squat behind the batter . Talk about thrown into the deep end . I look around and start walking over to the home plate , can’t see any protective gear . Jesus , help me now .Turns out all I have to do is stand back and retrieve any loose pitches . To call it a pitch is an over statement . The ball is merely lobbed . 2 balls a walk , 2 foul hits you’re out and 1 strike out. The opposition slam on 15 or so runs in their first dig , I just watch as the ball sails around the outfield ,happy that it’s not me out there dropping tracer bullets and long sky balls . We are into bat but after 3 minutes we are back into the field without getting to 1st base . “Troy your out at right field “, Ok here we go . The innings goes by and no action , I like it . I’m into bat , fancy myself , gonna crush this fucker . Tink , I dribble it back at the pitcher , Leroy would not be impressed . Turns out the pitcher has a fair veranda over the tool shed and can’t pick the ball up . I eventually get around to home base and we score 5 . I’m feeling good , and then it’s my turn …,.,,, Troy you got this !!” , fuck this sky ball looked like it was dropping at 1st base but keeps on coming . The thing floats through the lights and I’m right under it , until it starts to slice towards my left shoulder . It drops into my glove as a soft as a baby , I actually didn’t see it go in or feel any whack . I look at my glove and there it is , like a snow cone , the ball half protruding the tip of the glove . I throw it in with complete surprise and encouragement from the lads , but there’s after humm . Shit , I havn’t have I . There’s a small dull wave of pain spreading like a distant shockwave deep in the top of my hamstring . I feel ok , but when I move to stretch my right side I know it’s there . I’m too embarrassed to say anything . Nah , nup , no, not happening. It’s in my mind , like my 2 s comeback , my super rules come back , the dads v kids game , 5 of my last 30 runs and now my softball … beginning . Struck down at the peak of my , Ok you get it . I bat again and suffer the ignominy of been struck out 1 st pitch . Apparently a Bacardi and diet sprite at the bar to those that suffer this fate . I’m fuckn spewin . What a dick . My own 7 year old son would send that to the outfield . We get smashed by 25 runs and celebrate with high 5’s . We just finished an honourable 2nd . We got reamed . I ‘l be back

I’m not sure why I didn’t know more about this place , maybe it’s a given amongst Californians . This is the place you’d live if you could plant yourself in California . Once you round the early and grubby coast of Malibu , things gradually improve . The mountain range that falls into the coast of Malibu is much bigger and more rugged than I’d ever pictured. After rounding some captivating coastal rock we head inland through a mountain pass before we descend into Ventura .Ventura sits on a coastal valley between mountain ranges . It has a lot of agriculture , and is real food bowl that sits just an hour out the back of the LA sprawl . It still has the coastal , palm treed Californian trade mark on the Ocean front , whilst inland fields of green stretch into the foot of the surrounding mountain side . 15 minutes on the Northbound freeway , we bypass the green leafy hills of Montecito . You may have heard Montecito on the news for the deadly mudslides that took many lives in January . This town is also famous for its residents , Ellen DeGeneres and Oprah Winfrey . We head on the coastal road of Cabrillo Way and enter Santa Barbara . This whole area reminds of Noosa Heads and Byron Bay . Trees , palms , flame trees , gum trees and semi tropical foliage interrupted by Tuscan and Spanish architecture . Santa Barbara is big , it spreads upwards for miles into the surrounding hills . Luxury shopping , top end art , surf shops , wine bars , seafood and heaps of dining options . From either the large pier or the marina you get amazing views looking back inland . You could easily picture this place as a tropical island with its mountainous interior . There are still little things that niggle you about California on how they treat there Coast . Oil rigs strut the coast like distant monsters , and there’s the pipes that still run along the beaches , crossing over small ponds collecting plastic bags , obstructing what is nearly a perfect view . …. Even a good 2 hours from LA traffic and people , so many people still clog the space . with surf 10 minutes either side of town , this is the place I’d choose to live if I had a choice . Santa Barbara is a must tourist destination for any Aussie , even an alternative to stopping off in Hawaii on the way back .You would save money and get that seaside fix without the flights . Santa Barbara ……….. you gotta see it .

Bet you never heard of it ? Same here . 2 hours north of LA along the Pacific Coast , you head in land for 30 minutes and you arrive at Solvang . Everything about this discovery is unexpected . The drive was so un LA ;mountains , green hills , rugged and unpopulated . We could’ve been anywhere rural along Australia’s east coast , but no pinch me , we are in California .The mind wanders , I’m in Gippsland out the back of Mirboo North or Launceston or even inland Bryron Bay . Nah bro , your in the US of A , only a 150 ks from the urban gorilla himself , Los Angeles. from coastal limestone to rolling green hills and then farmland . The towns are still populated , more so than Home but it’s a release from the crush . Solvang is a town that is everything Danish , much like the German version ,Hahndorf in South Australia. It’s totally unexpected from an Aussie tourist perspective , but the joints packed . It’s not a local secret . Cuckoo clocks , Hahns Christian Anderson , Danish pastry , windmills , breweries, clogs , anything cliche Nordic was here . It felt odd , clear air , horse and carts , proper chocolate , wine bars everywhere and the classic architecture of Denmark . Of course it was cheesy , and predictably exploited , you’l get that anywhere , and let’s face it the Yanks are the best at it , but it was still a great escape This is the sort of stuff that any international tourist will never know about . I get it , it’s hard to compete with Disneyland , Hollywood and Santa Monica Pier , but it’s a shame cause theres more out there if you were only told about it . I’ve always wondered what was hidden in the hills to the North of Malibu , now I know . I just wish I could get up here more often , to show friends that there’s some secret little towns that are pretty cool and that there are cows , green grass , rugged mountain ranges and ……… space .

As soon as I saw him I knew I was gonna have some fun. I’ve been down this route before , but ole mate was begging for it . He looks at me , ” You need service ? “. ” Yeah mate , I’m lookn at the chicken .” Had to spell it out to him , cause there’s only cooked chicken where I’m standing . He actually looks like an old fashion Collingwood supporter , that’s what I like about him . Reminds me a bit of Strachany . I wait , and wait and …. “Oh you do want service sir ” . I’m thinking mate , I can see why you’ve got two black eyes , ya dill . ” Yeah mate ! That’s what the deli ‘s for , isn’t it ? “. ” Oh , ok sir ” He looks at me , but only for an instant . He then pretends to look every where else in the deli . Fuck , I wanna burst out laughing . Here’s this bit of a lad working in the deli , with two black eyes . ” What happnd mate , get kicked outta the bar with a left hook ” Sorry sir what was that that you wanted ” “I reckon I ‘l have the 8 pieces of chicken ” ….. He can’t understand a thing I’m saying , I love it . He’s frozen up a bit , the poor fucker is a bit confused . I point it out slowly . He nods and picks the chicken out for me . … ” What actually happened buddy ? ” , I ask “Oh that , that’s just where some fingers got jammed sir . I burst out laughing ” You serious ? “….. “Looks liked you got the eye rake from the Iron Sheak ” The poor fucker can’t understand a word I’m saying or even consider what I’m talking about . This isn’t an isolated incident . After nearly 12 months a lot of people still don’t understand me for my accent . I’m constantly badgered from Emma and Tex to slow down an keep statements simple . Nup , I say , this is a vehicle I’m gonna keep driving . I enjoy it too much to give up . And for the deli dude ? I really like him . If he’s there , I’m gonna buy stuff . He’s the type of salesman I like .