Australia you fucked me up. I went back over at Christmas with the best intentions but was corrupted within hours of landing. I was prepared ; I took a surfboard , running shoes and workout attire . I knew I had to counteract the oncoming avalanche of festive consumption . I pep talked myself , don’t bring undone the good work , keep disciplined and you’ll go back to LA close to the condition you left in. I knew I was probably kidding myself but still I was intent on limiting the damage . 3 days in I had drank in access of a slab , knocked over fish’n’ chips , a half dozen sandwiches ( sugar free bread ) , a couple of blocks of cheese,4 takeaway coffees ( the best ) , charcoal chicken and chips , lamb chops , salt and vinegar chips and a couple of blocks of Cadbury chocolate . I hadn’t even put the runners on. It’s still 4 days before Christmas . By New Years I’m cooked and 4kgs up , I’ve ran twice and the surf has shown up twice ( of course) . By the time we are back in LA on the 6th of January depression has set in . There’s only one thing to do … drown the sorrows and immerse ones self in the smorgasbord of local beers and burgers ………10 days have passed and the road to redemption has started , running , surfing , walking ,but of course there’s a dark cloud hovering. Everyone’s going down sick with the flu , and inevitably it strikes. At 1st it’s the dry throat , then the tightening ache at the side of the head .You know it’s got hold of you but you stay firm , I’m not getting sick , it’s not happening to me . As as man we know we are not allowed to say we’ve got a cold , our wives won’t recognise it , it’s just a male myth. Emma reckons you catch a cold by admitting it . She says it’s the power of attraction and only applies to men. She doesn’t get sick , ……… she only gets really sick and that’s what women have to cope with . So even though I felt shit for 2 weeks I had nothing ….. Emma on the other hand got the flu. 3 weeks have passed and I’m over it and the exercise regime starts up again , minus the surf ( that’s a depressing story of flatness) . I’m off on a run and feel unusually sore in the hammy and then the calf ….. “Howie you’re not gonna stop you fat fuck , keep going .” .. Shit the legs gonna go , I can feel it . I slow down , but as I go around a group of women I’m forced to jump over a dog shit . Bang! I’ve strained my calf . The worse part was I hobbled for another 30 m until I got around the corner so as the women I just passed wouldn’t twig on what had just happened . I just hoped that the laughter I heard in the background was just coincidence.The body is telling me something : if you’re 48 and put 5kg on in 3 weeks it ain’t coming off in 3 weeks , champ . It’s near the end of February and finally there’s the odd wave , on my 2nd wave back in 6 weeks Christmas karma strikes for the 3rd time …. I strain my back . By the time I mope back to the car I can barely get my wetsuit off or get my fat head into the car . I just had my haircut and I reckon that takes a kilo off , but when I look at my slumped shoulders and wet head in the car window all I can see is 3 chins and and a face like a pug . I can’t hold my gut in as that will put my back into spasm . I think I wanna cry . Am I ever gonna get back or is this what happens when you’re nearly ……..fif** , I can’t say it . …. 8 weeks have past , I might have dropped 1.5 kilos , had a flu , popped a calf , put my back out ,but that was still the best Holliday and fuck it , I ‘l get that weight off …… by next year .

Emma’s home from Europe , but she’s come back as sick as a dog . The flu has hit her hard . I’ve taken Leroy to tennis , he’s played well at basketball against his school mates and his team chalks a sweet precious victory . Tex is out , the house is quiet . Shit what to do? The surf? It’s onshore but light , small with an incoming tide . The surf has been dreadful for 6 weeks . Winters meant to be prime time but it’s been almost totally flat . Fuck it ,I declare . I’m going for a drive to Elporto ( 10 mins) . What’s to lose ? It looks shit , is shit but I feel good . Then it’s starts : ” Don’t do it you stupid fuck , it’s not worth it ” I’ve pulled into a parking spot and the meter has 2 hours paid on it . “There it is stupid, it’s telling you to go out . ” ” Nah you’re wasting ya time dickhead . Have a look , it’s fucked up bad . ” “Nah , there’s that little right down there in front of the chevron plant , it’s starting to work ” “Ya fuckn kiddn dickhead ” .We ( I ) walk down for a look , there’s 1 in 20 that are rideable, yep the odds are good …….I think ? I head down there in my wetsuit , the icy onshore wind has picked up , the wave ( what wave?) looks pure mush . “It’s cool dude ,head out and make a fool of yourself . ” What am I meant to do ? Walk back in my wetsuit totally dry and get dressed in the car park like a complete fuckstick “. Out I head , I miss a couple but I think this is gonna work . 20 minutes later still nothing . ” You fuckhead , I told you !! Two waves that you get a 5 meter ride . Winner winner chicken dinner .. dick lips .” “Fuckup idiot , I know I’m going to hook onto a couple . ” An hour later and I’m beating myself up . I said I wasn’t drinking tonight. I said I need a clean head in the morning . I looked at my star sign ( scorpio) , it said be careful tomorrow, there’s heat coming your way , don’t bite back . ” Fuck it you need a drink . I told you this was a waste of time ” “Righto , righto . Fuckyou , if I have to listen to you anymore I’m going to get anesthetised. And then it happens , I get it , ride it to shore and pull off a lame move in the shore break . Laughing … ” I told you it was 1 in 20 dude , you got it , now let’s go . I can hear the pups barking ,they’ve got your name on them . ” I look back , yeahhhh that was worth it . “Look at it this way dude ,if you were in Mornington you would’ve got back from work on a Saturday and pulled the lawn mower out . You wouldn’t have got out there . That’s a positive . ” All right you dickheads stop bickering and let’s gets some wolf pups ( beer ) and get stuck in into it , we’ve earned it .”Do you have to be crazy to be schizophrenic, cause these voices need a beer ?It is Saturday night . Justified….. right ? I’m not crazy ….yet .

It starts at Elementary , kindergarten ( prep ) to grade 4 . Leroy’s in grade 1 at Hermosa View .The schools are often divided up . From here it’s middle school . Hermosa valley has grades 4to 8 .Usually middle school spans grades 6 to 8 . Standards are high , school is taught around standardised testing .The schools are measured by performance and are ranked . The Hermosa schools make up a 1.4 million dollar short fall through fund raising . The parents expect their kids to be in a high performing school when this level of fundraising is required in a public school . Hermosa valley is ranked 177 of 2508 in California. That’s high!It’s fair enough , but there’s a downward pressure that is applied to the principal and staff to keep the grades up. Tex is barely keeping his head above water . He gets up early to do extra English classes at 730 am on Tuesday and Thursdays . He was also doing the same for maths . If your kid falls behind they’ll provide extra classes . It sounds ok but you realise the work load grows . You gotta do more to catch up . We ‘l have to find a math tutor to keep up that end of the bargain . It could mean two extra hours in English plus more than likely another 2 hours in maths . This is just to get passing grades.Its what’s expected , if your kid is naturally not academically inclined you have to push them . Often I’ll be asked if he’s doing extras . ” Have you tried kumon . ” “Is he doing after hours tutoring .” “He must do more , he’s gotta work harder ” This is the common response , deadpan no alternative . Push them hard . I haven’t met a parent without a college degree , no bullshit . The blinkers are on , its college , nothing less . In 18 months Tex will be at high school age .Its either Mira costa orRedondo union . Your talking kids legally driving at 16 years of age ( year 10) . Shit , Tex driving at 16 and the many other distractions and vices on offer , that’s frightening.Take Mira costa ,it’s ranked 274 of 2399 schools , it’s a public school . Here’s the thing , this year they have a staggering 800 kids in year 10 ! They have a 95% year 12 graduation rate . 65 % are ready for college . Redondo union(also public ) is ranked 144 and has 2700 students from year 9 to 12 .These schools compete with many private prestigious schools , these rankings are around the top 10% .Competition is fierce , the pressure is on these kids to make it . There’s 40 million or more people in California , the schools are huge . Tex , strap yourself in . If we are here in 2 years time you’ll be in the big league , the pressure will only rise .

The clear blue skies of LA provide a great visual . It’s not just vivid sunsets buts it’s the aircraft that you constantly see . We are 15 ks from LAX and sit along LAs favourite open stretch . Helicopters by the shitload bowl along overhead , every morning at 930 the flying Kangaroo arches up into the horizon and an amazing array of people movers fly to Hawaii and Asia . Two eclipses , yep add that to the collection . This morning was the best treat so far , space x. Elon Musk launched his rocket just up the coast . This brilliant visionary is totally embraced in LA , this place won’t hold back a guy with red tape or mistrust . Here he can prosper , take risks and open up the horizon.I would never envisaged that I could stand on my balcony and take photos of a rocket burning into the morning sky . To see it’s fuel tanks drop and sparkle into the deep blue morning sky was surreal . I look around the neighbourhood, but it’s just me watching this show , shit get up everyone . ………At 610 am I did ….. Cheers to Elon Musk ! This is the beginning of the future .

Yeah , it’s a bit trickier over here . The yanks will take you for your word wether your tongues firmly implanted into your cheek or not . Sarcasm ….. they don’t do it . That rules out dry humour . Taking the piss : yes but they’re not vicious like us . You’l find the NewYorkers and the Eastern staters will go a lot harder , more in your Aussie type of style . You see , they don’t like to offend or embarrass. It’s better to play safe , especially considering the hyper state of political correctness and the rights of women . Shit , that really rules me out in nearly every area, but fuck it I still stray . Oh , and they don’t like swearing too . I’m old and pretty much irrelevant now . Just hanging onto my likeness to Bill Murray ( he is funny) . Take yesterday, a girl in our class has told us about her ex . He’s a cool dude who’s an attorney, 9 years older . He smashed out her back lights of her car on one occasion and on the last tantrum smashed her car window and stole her ID so as she couldn’t celebrate her birthday by going out to the clubs. ( she’s 25 ) .”Gee he’s a nice bloke ” , I said. The other class members looked at me as if I was stupid and maybe a bit insensitive. They didn’t see my angle . The same girl then tells us she went back to his place for dinner last night . ” Why? “, I asked . She said she just wanted a free meal . The others in the class laughed. ” You had to pay it for it somehow . I’m guessing your ex wasn’t cooking you dinner for nothing ?” I asked. Everyone went quiet …… went down like a lead balloon .”Sounded like he needed a cut lunch first ……. ahh never mind ” …. All right , I know I’m going into murky territory ( maybe sleazy) but if your going to open yourself up like this , what am I to do? I was showing the girls a new app when I joked that I better not hit safari as some unfortunate history ( porn) might appear . …..Nothing …crickets. You don’t do humour that is salacious, or involves sex . They don’t like it . I even told them about my story at the check out and the crushing resemblance to Bill Murray. They all looked at me in a sympathetic ” oh you poor guy” type of way . I thought it was funny ,they thought it was unfortunate. It’s really fucked up , even taking humour in your own pity is rare. You’ve gotta be careful over here , they’re hung up on stuff that we can frequently attack . I think they think we can be blunt , maybe uncouth , maybe insensitive . No ….. being honest, pushing taboos and knocking people ( including yourself ) down a notch is healthy . Keep it real … or we ( Aussies and Pom’s ) will help you with it …. without your permission.

I know …… here I go again , but it’s the sunsets , the Friday afternoon sunsets are the ones that throw my headspace out there. Tonight I’m on the balcony alone , Leroy’s inside watching some cartoon , Tex is at Knottsberry farm and Emma is in Europe. The more I think about it the more I realise I’ve been missing it . It’s been right in front of my face . It’s the sun , it’s LAs most redeeming feature . People move here in their droves ;the fame , the vibe … the sun and its climate . You probably know by now that I’m not in love with this place , but the sun and the coast are LAs true asset . I love a Friday night , sitting on the balcony watching the sun go down and then visualising the suns path over the Pacific . I’m a bit of a dreamer ,but the sunsets mean more , you picture yourself following its path over Hawaii , Fiji , the pacific islands and then Australia . It’s still weird , but I’m lucky to live in this part of LA , you get sentimental, you look out over the Pacific and you’re convinced you can see the earths curve , the sun taking its path back over the horizon and spreading itself over home . That’s it …. Friday sunsets , it’s ‘Friday arvo time ‘ . Let’s drink some booze and feel good about being an Aussie .

The Winter Olympics , we watch it from 6 to 10 most nights . It’s been enjoyable and interesting to receive the broadcast from an American slant. Of course it’s broadcast here with coverage of the US athletes as it’s dominate focus . The bias is no different than what we’d see from an Australian coverage . There is a noticeable attitude to expectations, they expect to win . Of course it’s understandable when you consider they have a large population who live in and around alpine conditions. The half pipe final with Shaun White up against our own Scotty James was riveting. We had a virtual ‘Days of our Lives’ mini series lead in on the bravery and the ‘road to redemption ‘ for poor Shaun as he had missed out at the last Olympics only due to the poor conditions . He’d already won gold in the previous 2 Olympics.Apparently it didn’t suit his technical excellence. Ummm didn’t the other guys also have to compete in those conditions? I have no doubt that Shaun White deserved to win , he’s the best that’s ever been in this sport . Still the commentary was eerily quiet when the Aussie ( James) was on his run , you felt the fear in the broadcast . There was a respect that our guy was a dark horse who technically had a repertoire that could unseat the king . When Scott fell two thirds into his final run you heard the expelled air in the commentary, the relief . On the final run White nailed it , he was awesome . The coverage had no doubt he’d do it , they were certain . They said this is how Shaun would want it .The last run with the most pressure , coming from behind and on the road from redemption. It was sickly , it was the American story , they loved it , scripted it this way . He won , there wasn’t any doubt. I was barracking for Shaun to lose . Not for Shauns sake , but just so as it would upset the narrative .This is the American psyche when it comes to sport on the international stage , they have no doubt that they’l win and they’ve got what it takes to stay the best. Aussies love being the underdog , that’s ok ,the Yanks love that as well , but what they do best is …. win . They’re the ‘ Top Dog’.

I just sat there with goosebumps all over . Next to me was Leroy as we watched Chanel 4 this morning at 7am . A video from one of the students phone recorded a scene of the shooting as it happened . It wasn’t what we saw ;it’s what was heard ,blood curdling screams and the dense loud bark of gun shots . Compelling , awful and the most confronting of images for a parent with kids that are in American schools . A live interview of a young black girl who’s good friend was shot dead right next to her follows . It’s easy to make a broad statement , we all have strong views . It’s prime time breakfast tv , kids and parents will be watching these scenes across America , no matter the shock it will continue . As cold and emotionless that it’s sounds ,this is becoming the regular , it happens. That’s the 18thschool shooting this school year , we’ve still got to get to early July before the years over . I made the callous off the cuff statement to Emma that this is like the road toll , you drive the roads you take the risks . Here your kids go to school ……………. they should come home .

I’m walking back from the pier , as I approach the strand I hear a conversation. ” You don’t deserve to be my girl friend , you don’t treat me right ” , it comes from a deep feminine voice . I look over and all I can see is a blonde girl rugged up in old clothes . She must’ve been in her early to mid 20s .Then I hear another voice , ” oh but why ? I thought you liked me as your girlfriend.” This time the voice is higher pitched and girly , but it’s the same blonde girl sitting on the bench . She looks homeless and is obviously suffering from a multiple personality disorder . Last week as Tex and I surfed a shore break while Leroy played in the sand I had a close eye on a guy 20 meters away . Like the blonde girl he was having an argument ….. with himself . He was aggressive , ranting and raging , running fully clothed towards the water , stopping and repeating the cycle. It’s a common occurrence , the mentally impaired are out on the streets , homeless , unhinged and probably not medicated . The system can’t treat , track and home them . Last week Emma , myself and the kids were in a Manhattan Beach book shop , a trendy well to do area and a very cool but pricey joint.I was out the back with Leroy looking for kids books when one of the oddest things I’ve seen occurred.A high pitched scream screeches from the front of the shop , followed by a desperate “no no no no ” . Leroy and I look at each other in shock . I look straight down through the shop window out onto the road but I can’t see anything . I’m thinking someone’s been hit by a car . As I scan back into the shop the other 4 customers , the two staff,plus Tex and Emma are frozen . …….. Then I see it , the front display table with all the featured books has a fully grown man on all fours on top of it . No one has moved , the guy hasn’t even blinked , the table has split in the middle but is still holding him and the books . A middle aged woman gently guides the guy off the table and walks him out of the shop . I’m trying to put it all together, not talking , not moving .A small Pomeranian dog is sitting obediently in the corner ( dogs are allowed in shops over here ) , looking at the man as he leaves . The dogs is as perplexed as we are . It was the dog . The guy with issues walked into the shop and caught fright at the site of the small dog , panicked and jumped onto the table screaming and pleading in fear . Bizarre….. Tex came down the back with eyes wide open , grinning . I couldn’t look at him as I wanted to burst out laughing. Had to open a book up and cover my face . Took me 2 minutes to get outta there as I couldn’t control my urge to burst out laughing. I know it sounds cruel but the boys and I were in hysterics . That was one of the super weirdest and most hilarious sights you’l ever see . Unfortunately this type of stuff happens here . The homeless and mentally disturbed are a common site . A lot of these people are broken …… the system is broken.

We’re half through the Hermosa Beach junior basketball season, just 10 weeks . That’s it for the year , gotta keep the kids studying . It’s actually an interesting format , foreign to the junior set ups we see at home . The kids must all attend a tryout for their age group . A simple dribble , shoot and pass sequence . A group of coaches (10) observe from the sidelines . From there the coaches draw their name out of a hat to establish what position in the pecking order they are for choosing the kids from the group . Just like a draft system the kids are then chosen by each coach . Leroy was a first round draft choice . We don’t know his actual order position , but as our team is below average I’d think he was between 5 and 10 in the draft . It’s a good idea for evening up the competition , but as the kids are picked on skill and not competitive traits you can still get some big disparities. When it comes to game day each kid is given a coloured wrist band . This is so the kids can then man up on their opposing colour match . The game becomes much more orderly as the better kids are matched up against each other and encouraged to be disciplined in minding their opposite when in defence.Of course this can be manipulated to create mismatches . The kids are hardly reffed. In general this is a positive but initially it has disadvantaged Leroy as he is better skilled than 90% of the kids . He will often get fouled and is vulnerable to kids stealing the ball as he constantly dribbles . Same with shooting , he’l often get his small arms dragged down or chopped . Still ,the kids are taught several plays that they can call on without it falling apart with their lack of dribbling skills holding them back .Leroy started poorly , was quiet in the first two games and was overawed at being the top player and thus matched up against the oppositions best . The the last 3 games he has been excellent , scoring regularly and dictating play . Of course amongst all this is me . Anyone who knows my past knows that I was a poor sport and arguing with umps , refs or anyone was my specialty. I’m generally quiet watching kids sport but I tend to be harsh on Leroy , he’s a gentle kid who just happens to be very coordinated. ( don’t know where it came from).He does things easily but sometimes he can fight a little harder . Wins (1) have been hard to come by . Last week we led all game and got ran down late . Most teams have 8 or 9 kids , it’s expected that each kid will spend a quarter on the bench ( there are 4 quarters) . Our opposition had one really good kid . You know the type ; that good but annoying kid that won’t pass , will only shoot and only celebrates his own work while he looks over at dad . Leroy ended up opposing him for a big chunk of the game and subdued him enough to keep us in front , that was until he went to the bench . This kid quickly got on top and dominated . When Leroy came back on his coach swapped his wrist band so as to be opposed to our least skilled kid .This is where I’m starting to get majorly pissed off , this isn’t in the spirit of 6 and 7 year old bball .At the start of the last I’m getting smug , he’s gotta come off as he’s been on the whole game , but you guessed it ,he’s still on while the other 7 kids in his side rotate around him . Leroy is matched up on him now and has scored to get us level , but still this kid stays on with 3 mins to play . He then shoots 3 consecutive long range shots from the edge of the key to ice the game for his team , no mean feat for a 7 year old . This kid has just shot 28 of his teams 30 points and must of taken 40 + shots .At this moment with a minute to go their coach walks along the sidelines yahooing and dancing ( no shit , he’d be the first bloke you’d punch in a bar fight ), whilst he pulls out his handkerchief and pretends to wipe tears from his eyes . …… Seeing is believing , it’s hilarious in retrospect but oooh buddy , you don’t know who’s in the crowd. We lost by 4 and our coach teaches and coaches in the right spirit , the kids know they’l be benched and are expected to pass the ball . ………..Afterwards their coach ( cocky fucker with hat backwards , pencil mow , and shoulder length hair ) approaches us in the car park to congratulate Leroy on his game . I just smile and lock eyes on him and say thankyou . The same time I’m thinking you’d better be careful , don’t wanna see you trip over and hurt yourself out here why know one is looking . Yep kids sport ……………. it’s for kids …. isn’t it ?