You walk Leroy down the road to his school and there it is , that black and yellow bus . I still chuckle to myself when I see the school busses over here . Every day I see this same bus go past and I just wanna wave at it . I fantasise that I ‘l see my ‘real life ‘ hero , Freddy Kruger . He looks over and waves his talons with that wicked smile flashing under his hat . I’l have my phone up ready to take that photo to prove to you guys that I saw him . Hey, snap out of it Howie , now I’m really admitting that I’m slipping off the rails . You walk into school and you operate on the one in three theory . You catch that parents eyes and begin to give the nod , but wait , no not today we did that yesterday . Shit that’s right it’ll probably be too soon to say hello as we did that yesterday , give it another couple of days . That barrier can’t be stripped down immediately, it’ll take time . You get back in the car and head down the street which exits onto the main road that gets you outta here. It’s narrow as cars are parked both sides . I go but am met head on by another car entering , you back up and let her through . She drives through without acknowledging you . You go again and the same thing happens , I back back to let her through , still no thankyou wave or nod . 3rd time Lucky ….No I repeat the process for the same result . Don’t worry I’ll put myself out all day . Maybe Freddy will give me that wave cause no one else will . Finally it’s all clear and floor it so as the next car turning in will have to pause and let me out , a couple of parents walking their kids give me a look of disapproval . Then as I approach the t intersection a mum in her in SUV turns in , she expects me to back up the 40 meters but I push forward and turn and keep her stuck in the intersection . She looks pissed , but guess what ? I wave and smile . Fuck it , that felt good .

The flu season has arrived in earnest in the USA. Yes , Emma and I have a bug right now,that happens . The flu tends to have a big impact on the American and Californian system. People have been turning up to emergency departments in hospitals , overwhelming the system . Some hospitals have set up tents with beds in them to house the extra patients . It gets back to the fundamental luxuries that we take for granted in Australia. We just go to the doctor , no matter our economic circumstance and get treated . It’s just not easy to see a doctor over here . I still don’t get the whole picture on the medical system . It’s intimidating and not user friendly . Here lies the problem . You’re going to avoid seeing the doctor and are prepared to live with a minor complaint ( like I did with my ear infection) until it gets to the stage you need treatment now . If you havn’t got private insurance you’re not seeing a doctor soon.You’ve got to turn up to emergency . At the moment the system can’t cope . I will say that colds and flues seem to be treated more seriously . They rather you stay home than come in and spread it . I know we here the same thing in Australia but deep down you know you’re expected to soldier on , with the exception of school . Even then we sneak our kids in with some panadol hoping we don’t get called up by the school . As I cough away I shudder when I look at the many less fortunate on tv , waiting for their chance to be treated in emergency , for the flu.

This whole adventure has been a reality check .Some days not even an Aussie accent can change the perception that you put out there . The other day I did a bit of shopping at Trader Joes . This is a cool fresh food supermarket chain with staff that are more casual and personable .When you’ve had the time on your hands like I have ,a bit of extra exercise and sun must surely have worked in my favour . ……. maybe not ….. “Well , hi sir how’s your day ?” “Fine thanks ,Yourself?” “Great, did you find everything easily ?” ” No , probs .” “Wow you must get this all the time , but do you get told you’ve got a striking resemblance to that actor ….. oh what’s his name ….it’ll come to me in a minute .” Shit , I’m feeling pretty good about this , the chest puffs a bit . I rock the head back to make it look smaller , raise my right eyebrow and look this attractive young girl right in the eyes. I’m thinking it must be one of the Hemsworths, being fellow Aussies and all , let alone the striking resemblance from a mile or so .That’s it , I know who it is . It’s … Bill Murray .” WTF ! Bill Murray??? Have you seen that guy lately . He’s an absolute legend but he looks like he’s just got outta bed with a hangover on a permanent basis . “Bill Murray……. , shit ok . Well I guess i’l forget his appearance and assume there’s some other likeness there ….. somewhere …, I suppose?” … She smiles at me real happy with herself , “You must get it quite often”. “Ahhhh …. not really . Well thanks for the compliment and i’l see you next time ” , I reply . Fuck , so that’s it ……Bill Murray . I practically crawl out of the joint , Crushed . Is that true …. Bill fucking Murray my doppelgänger. Fuck it I’m looking into Botox .

Fifteen minutes to the south of us a large headland juts out into the ocean .Palos Verdes . It sits up high and looks back on the beaches of the South Bay . Think MtMartha but only much bigger . There’s trees, hills , rugged cliffs, land and…… money . It attracts a certain type of clientele.Mini ranches, plush private schools , celebrity , Trump golf course , manicured gardens and gated communities . The views out to the Pacific Ocean and back at the thriving mass of LA fuel some of the most expensive real estate in America . We’ve only skirted the coastal road so far , it’s interior doesn’t interest me so much . It’s what lies beneath the cliffs that interests me more . Without studying the surf geography you know there’s got to be serious waves along here , this last week of big swell has shined the spotlight . Above lies a long walled left known as the cove . Just a mile or so up the road sits LAs most infamous wave ,Lunada Bay . This joint is legendary due to its fiercely guarded localism .Assaults , slashed tyres,stones and rocks landing on visiting surfers are some of the norms associated with this classic right hand point break . On arriving at the lookout the police were parked here .Its become policy when a swell arrives . I had a Facebook invitation from the Palos Verdes Park rangers and police inviting outsiders to come down and have a look and surf Lunada Bay . It’s weird that such hostility would be associated with such an affluent area. Beautiful tree lined streets with plush all American style homes with large grassed front lawns . Surely not here? I’m guessing they’re used to having things go their way up at Palos Verdes , surf included . Today offered up some real perspective on this location , it’s serious . 8 feet waves bussed their way through the line up . With a couple of large rocks to keep an eye on this wave can make a mess of you .Whoever surfs this place commands respect . Lunada Bay gets the thumbs up from me , this joint is a fucken serious location on its day .

Whilst cleaning the bathrooms,vacuuming and generally keeping this place looking brand new I thought things through . (1)I apologise for the wetsuit hanging over the balcony . (2) I apologise for talking to my kids from the balcony . Apparently yelling , but that has never been the case . (3) I apologise for Tex’s mate Griffin jumping into the pool from the 2nd story balcony whilst I was inside cleaning Leroy up. (4) I apologise for Tex and his mate getting in the spa before I had caught up with them whilst coming back from the beach . Photos were taken and back chat occurred.$150 fine ensured. (5) I apologise for not being there when Tex took the bait and got caught in the spa again . $500 fine this time . (6) ? Evicted

Yep , all major breeches in tenant behaviour . Extremely uncouth , unwanted and a disturbing lack of respect for other people’s property . Right up there with partying , fighting , punching holes in walls , banging out 50cent at 330 in the morning and having sex on the balcony for all to see( my fantasy) . …… It’s ok ,we don’t complain about the lack of curtains , various lights not working , the insinkerator not working unless plugged in by hand with blue sparks creeping out of the power point, aircon that only blows room temp air , hot water that runs out after 5 minutes,only 1 automatic car park entry and a host of other minor problems. Nah , we accept that this is fair if you want to live near the beach and have access to the holy Mecca itself…. a pool . No. We accept that we are undesirable and the worst example of the modern day tenant. Yep I’m gonna miss this place , with all the jocularity, fun , games , friendship and most of all the neighbourly love . Tex might get permission to toilet paper the joint after all . Now you know I wouldn’t encourage that .

We are a gift that keeps on giving . ……, I can see myself standing up before Judge Judy : ” I think this is a load of …. “. “DID YOU SIGN A CONTRACT!!”…… “Yes your honour but this is bull….. “. DID YOU SIGN A CONTRACT!!!” ….. “Yes”. “Good !!!! There’ll be no further questions. I award in favour of the plaintiff to the sum of $4200 in bond , plus $500 for the 5th warning for not accompanying a minor under the age of 14 in the pool area , and $300 in court costs . Get the fuck out of my court room . NEXT!!” Yep you’ve guessed what’s gone down . My little mate Dougy has had another big win . He knows that his little buddy Tex will eventually give him what he wants . Texy had duly obliged , jumping in the spa with two of his mates while Emma worked and I was at Leroy’s bball training . And guess who happened to be coming back for an afternoon walk at that very moment …. Doug the miserable c*^t. It’s all my fault , I admit it . I should have control of my child , know where he’l be at all times and have trained him well enough to know better . The boys are 12 ,are already looking like 15 but that’s a cop out , I know that . Apparently the boys were polite and left quietly , but it has become a different game . Doug saw it as his duty to ring property management and inform them of this grievous breach . Petty he isn’t .$500 is apparently the sum required .I told Emma that Reyna ( property manager) can throw herself off the 3rd story balcony into the pool , cause we ain’t paying . Yes , those who know Emma ,know that I got stared down and rebuked .To those who’d like to stay in touch with Tex ,don’t bother . He’s grounded indefinitely and his phone and all social media is blacked until Easter .This isn’t looking good , Dougy is giving us an absolute schooling and now knows that the next indiscretion is eviction . It’s almost game set and match . It’s gonna be tough running into Doug the miserable c^*t and his decrepit allies, but I’m gonna keep on smiling and waving …….To Tex .. ya fuckn dead the next time you do this ,and to Doug … , I can’t wait to see you trip over and break your leg . Nah , nah , I didn’t mean that last bit . You know I’m not like that . Don’t you?

I saw it on the news and laughed . Where could it be ? Don’t be stupid Howie , it can only be here , Southern California.A car launching off the medium strip, wedging itself into a second story apartment . They reckon it might’ve been speeding . I can tell you , I never saw wings on it . The video footage is stupendous , a small side street approaching a larger road with a car flying down it and launching . Yeah, he got high alright , about half an hour before . Then there’s the ‘imprisoned family , emaciated and chained to their beds . “Geezuz darl ,where d ya reckon this’d be . “We looked at each other and shook our head . Where else? Mom and dad were self schooling the kids , aged 2 to 29 , all 13 of them !!They were never checked on until finally their 17 year old daughter escaped . 13 kids in a 4 bedroom house in suburbia , chained up and starved . 29 ? Yeah I know there’s questions to be answered . The father is the principle of Sandcastle day school , with an enrolment of 6 at their home address. Still, no cross checking , regulating ? Of course not , this is the So Cal way . I’m laughing , yeah it’s sad too , but this is what happens over here . Lots of stupid shit goes down . I’m not picking on them or anything , just coincidence.

I’m embarrassed to say it . After 9 months we finally ventured down to Long Beach . It’s only 30 minutes to the South of where we live . It’s out of sight out of mind , shepherded from view by the Palos Verdes headland .I had a preconceived vision of this area based on a horror 4 hour return trip from LEGO land . My view of the area was badly tainted after that experience. The only thing I knew about the place was on the cigarette box the old man used to smoke . Long Beach is a city in its own right , much bigger than I imagined . It’s home to the massive Los Angles port , big industry and the gateway to Catalina Island and all things eco tourism on the Pacific .Just South lays Huntington Beach and a stretch of Southern California’s best beach locales stretching all the way down to SanDiego . Once rounding the last headland at Palos Verdes we are met with a vast shipping port . A big arse bridge spans San Pedro to Long Beach . In Long Beach we park at the waterfront near the Aquarium and a host of restaurants. This joint is pretty cool , clean and quite pretty . Nothing like we expected . We only came for a drive by and immediately it becomes apparent that Long Beach requires a full day of exploring . The Aquarium, The Queen Mary ( old style passenger ship) , the waterfront, restaurants, outlet shopping , a convention centre , old ships( used in the Pirates of the Caribbean),port and ocean cruises and a modern well kept city centre . Some parts of it reminded me of Surfers Paradise . Time quickly ran out as we really only touched the surface . It’s an under rated tourist destination that deserves better marketing . You don’t here of Long Beach when it comes to hollidaying in LA , but it has everything you want for keeping the family busy . Long Beach , we’l be back .

It’s the big dog in Californian drinking .A strong , full bodied beer that packs a punch , You check out any supermarket and it’s IPA that dominates the shelves . They’re obsessed with it …,, . Whadya do ? No choice , you gotta drink it . In Australia we are also in a beer revolution , but this might be a snap shot of where we might be heading . We’ve got a good balance in varieties back home ,, but here …. it’s only IPA. Don’t be confused Aussies ; Bud, Millers , Coors , are all old school beers that are under siege . The image of the Yanks drinking soft , flavourless , watered down beers is another cliched image that doesn’t match reality . .. Of course ,I feel I’m a perfect test case : an Aussie brought up on VB , introduced ( Dale Verhagen , god bless you) on the virtues of European and then boutique beer and now living in California. I’m ready , I’m here for Christ’s sakes and I’m drinking it ,…. and shit I like it . It’s not an easy beer to drink , not easy to like 1st up , but it lays its roots in the palette. It’s forward,strong , pungent , grips your gums , your teeth . It’s an acquired taste that taints the taste buds . There’s no going back. It’s a beer best drunk on an empty stomach , the heavy hopped nature will bloat you quick with food . The problem with this beer is it feels as if you’ve come to the end of the line , anything with less punch or flavour is rendered gutless . Yeah true , I feel I’ve earned the right to thump my chest and say I love IPA , but every beer has its place ….. second to IPA . Get ready , I reckon it’s coming . High alcohol, cut with fruit juices ( yes , it seems wrong , but tastes good ) and extremely diverse ………….. The IPA revolution , love it.

There are things you can’t say here that you can say on certain occasions back in Australia .Im mainly referring to my favourite two little words . Yep , one is fuck and two is ……….. c*^*t ( I still couldn’t say it ).They all swear and cuss here too , but it’s more selective . In general conversation the odd dropping of the ‘shit’ word may occasionally appear . Dang comes up a bit , and that is lame . The beautiful word ‘ fuck’ is a rarity and that nasty little fucker …. ‘c:;;t , is taboo. The bluntest , vicious , tastiest and most direct descriptive morsel in the Australian And British vernacular is a no no . Period .Take a situation that I decided to go to recently . I was down at Gary and Emma’s place (Aussies) and the guys ( drinking beer of course )were out talking shop on the balcony when Harvey Weinstein came up . One of the guys momentarily got stuck in describing his character . That’s when I stepped in and dropped the lead balloon . ” Yeah I know what your looking for . In Australia we’d call a bloke like him ….. A Cunt .”….. Gaz boy had a big smile as he understood entirely . The poms , they nodded , and then there was the stifled laugh with hand over the mouth by the yanks . It was awkward for a moment , but then we all nodded and laughed . Did I put my foot in it ? Almost . Yep even amongst the blokes with a beer in hand I think I’m gonna have to shelve my little ‘C’. girl until I get back home .