Oh Geezus , the fog , it’s as bad as I’ve felt on any holiday. 9 days , 2 fifteen hour flights to endure , constant interrupted nights of sleep , often waking up dusty after a few too many beers , gorging on all the foods we so badly missed ( often unhealthy) , talking , walking , driving and then talking some more . It wouldn’t be any other way . In all of this there was one constant that I relied on heavily This stuff . How can it be so good in Australia ? Or How can it be so bad in the USA ? It’s one of the great puzzles that is hard to understand .

I was prepared to make up for lost time It’s not just that the coffee is good it’s the way it’s served , the environment, the passion and the high expectations Melbournians place on our coffee . It’s an art form Common folk, Via Boffe , Mitch and Co , Merchetta and a host of others that I didn’t get to . There’s no Starbucks with it’s it fast food facade and crass servings here . It’s hipster, cozy , European and dam cool to sit down and have a coffee in our hometown ( Mornington) .Here’s to Mornington , and all our friends . I’m gonna miss everything , but shit it’s gonna be a long break between drinks when it comes to that little cup of dark stuff My last coffee on the way out , Via Boffe . Gotta luv the conversation and the little message with my latte

Wow , we are living the dream today . This is pretty ‘so so ‘to all of us that live on the Mornington Peninsula , but to those back in LA , and to us now , this is pretty special .

We started at Peninsula Hot Springs , just 30 minutes from Mornington ( our home town ) with hardly a traffic light to be seen . It’s the 4th time I’ve been here , with each time confirming that this is a world class facility and truly an awesome experience . To be walking along small gravel and paved tracks through Ti tree and vegetation that honestly reminds one of a an exotic Japanese garden was surreal . With an early morning mist and a rising sun I stopped and laughed to myself . “Geezus this place is magical Howie , and you were once here before it had even opened , caulking up their 1st fibreglass spa .” Who could’ve thought that 20 years later that this would be one of the top spa destinations in the world , growing in size 30 fold , packed everyday with international and nationwide tourists . and turning over an absolute fortune in profit . With a selection of hot pools crafted into the side of a sand dune , covered in scrub and vegetation , this joint had the kids buzzing . Emma and I couldn’t wait to sink our bodies into the 40 +degree Celsius (105f+) pools to melt away the last 5 days of non stop travel , eating and socialising . Don’t worry it’ll only be a short hiatus as we’re back on it in hours to come .

On a side note to the hot springs ; it’s always packed . You gotta show your kit and squeeze in , as these pools are crammed with bodies . Don’t be embarrassed as there’s bodies of all types and the bathing attire to go with it .OMG …… I am 49 and better keep it at that .

Also get ready to hear a shitload of conversations , from ‘friends with benefits ‘, to distinctly Australian twang talking about mum , dad the footy , plenty of European and Asian tongue and the sickening sight of beautiful young couples getting pretty amorous …. awkward .Take your sunnies .

The drive by to my old stomping ground brought a big sigh and a tear to the eye . Raw , rugged , rips , dangerous,big , beautiful , untouched , under appreciated and great surfing . The Peninsula beaches pack a heavy punch and fight way above their weight division . I can stand and stare at the top of the Portsea carpark for hours .

The Portsea Pub …… an institution, rebuilt and turned into the grand dame of the southern peninsula . You gotta get down here , seriously beautiful. The beer ? Oh yeah . The view ? Oh yeah . The food ? Yeah you know where I’m going .

Sorrento , yeah we’ve done that too , but shit why not again? A vanilla slice ? Can’t find these puppies in LA , but Geezus it’s a crying shame I can’t bring a couple of these back to Hermosa Beach . At $8 a pop they ain’t cheap but oh god they have to be bought .

There was so much we wanted to squeeze in , like a glass of wine at the beautiful wineries but the kids were putting on a violin concerto in the back seat . A picture will do .

To our American friends , we’d love to show you one day , it’s all on our back door . Maybe next time we’re back you can hitch a ride …….. think about it . To the rest of you ……… your so spoilt , live it up .

Oh yeah

“Shiyat , maaate , haven’t seen ya for a while , how’ve ya been ? ” “Hey ya heard bout Kaz ? She’s nicked off and left Jonesy . What’s he up to , Ahh he’s a sparky but he’s off the tools now . “. Oh no what about the kids , they’ve got a little rugrat too . Yeahhh so sad. … Yeah , thanks mate , yeah gidday mate , yeah thanks matey , yeah cheers , yeah sweet , you hav a good one , catch ya , all good , righto , catch ya on the weekend , all cool , cheers darl ……….

I started laughing . Is that how I sound ? It was weird , I was sitting amongst a heap of mums at Gravity zone at 10 am on a Monday morning in Frankston ; it sounded like a gaggle of geese out of some Hollywood cartoon . Maybe for the 1st time I saw the way I sound in LA . I was sort of embarrassed , I shouldn’t be but for the 1st time I had another view : wow we sound a bit uncouth . And why so friendly ? And the mate bit ….. and the extra bits attached to sentences and statements as if we were all friends .

I haven’t lived in Aus for 2 years and it’s already the 3rd time we’ve been back but this time the language and the accent has jumped out . Shit , I might be losing it ……. I think I’m turning into a yank . I’ve even been told I’ve picked up a couple of small speech changes……………God help me knackers , looks like there’s no turning back . Catch ya pups .

22 hours of travel and we’re back where it all started . Driving the freeways with little traffic , rain pelting sideways , the windscreen wipers at full speed , complete whiteout conditions, but there’s a sense of calm . We know where we are headed , the BP servo , We get there , Emma and I look at each other sideways with a glint in our eye and a skip in the heart beat . Tex is even declaring something better than what the Americans dish up for the first time since he left . Leroy? Yeah nothing changes for him , it’s McDonald’s as usual . Tex gets Oporto chicken and chips , and admits that it’s true , this stuff is so much better than back in LA.. Emma and I ? This picture says it all I devoured this pie in under 2 minutes and then gently closed my eyes whilst savouring every succulent drop of a large cappuccino. Bang ! There it is the distinctly different life of living in Melbourne as opposed to LA . The food in almost any form is superior back in Australia. I thought it was a bias based on familiarity and patriotism and I admit my bias ,but after living in LA for 2 years I thought my tastes and opinion might adjust . No , in just 3 days everything that I thought might fade is shinier than ever , and the food …….Wow , you take it for granted when it’s all you know ,but when you live in LA you occasionally think about the simple things and sigh , shit we’ve got it so good back here but hardly anyone knows .

You sit down and read the paper and the first page I turn to reinforces why we are so lucky . I smile when I read the statement Within 2 hours of settling back home we are already at a friends house watching the football drinking beer , port , wine and more . Geezus , just 24 hours ago I was on the other side of the world and now I’m here .Mate I tell you , we are absolute troopers to get off a 16 hour flight , with little sleep ,get straight on the sauce and party up .It was the kids fading fast that saved me from kicking on and a painful hangover .It was only the next day when I lay in bed with a a throbbing headache at 4 am , wide awake with jet lag that I thanked my kids for dragging us back to our beds .

It’s been only 3 days but the little things reinforce the narrative . The humour is unique and once again when I look at these bag of chips on the shelf I start laughing Who else ? Where else ? Yeah it’d have to happen here . Fish’n’chips , and institution here practically doesn’t exist over there . I know it doesn’t even rate as a culinary experience in Australia for we take it for granted , but OMG how good was it to taste a deep fried scallop , bite the top off a spring roll and savour the beautiful taste of flake ( for our American viewers flake is shark ) .Just yesterday I went down to the Heritage to have lunch with Al , the joint was empty on a Monday at lunch time and I loved that . After a while you expect to see people everywhere , here you don’t need to avoid them it can happen naturally when the country’s the size of the US and has a 14th of its population . I started taking photos like a tourist as I couldn’t get over the space , the room , the trees , oh and the food .Where else would you order a Parma ( chicken parmigiana and sausages and mash potato ) or bangers and mash ? And their taste ? Beautiful …..absolutely beautiful .

The food …. we’ve started at the bottom , the simplest , yes , the unhealthiest ……….I don’t care …….Keto ? Destroyed that fucker . Am I eating today ? Hell yeah and I can’t wait for what’s in store today . Don’t worry , I’ll be sure to let you know .

After yesterday I’m hoping it is , but let’s recap and add a few things I forgot to add .1st , the chair yoga ; there were a couple of things I deliberately left out , but today I’m feeling more brazen . Once seated opposite my instructor it was painfully obvious that she was thin ; as I was dead set keen on avoiding eye contact I stared straight ahead , but it became worse , for her tight fitting gym pants revealed way too much of her late 60s …….ahhh , yeah . Let’s not go there , but I have to as this was hysterically awkward . Oh shit I’ve got no where to go , so I try to focus on her forehead ,but like a bad dream I noticed her bottom lip shining with a small bit of spitball building . Towards the end of the lesson Dalia ( the instructor ) hands me a soft pink ball the size of a kids basketball . I grasp it but she doesn’t let go and we are locked in this awkward type of embrace. My minds starting to race now as my second self starts firing out questions . “I think she likes you ? ” Let go of the ball , quick she’s getting cues ” ” What the fuck do I do ” “I don’t know , why ask me ? ” She’s transferring her energy , her vibe , accept it dude , it’s all cool “. Finally I nod my head and what seems eternity (10 seconds ) she gives me the ball . At the end of the session she hands me a card and a pamphlet with certain products and a promotion on yoga for MS sufferers . I get a dreadful sense of guilt as maybe Marcus has it all wrong as she has MS instead of a brain injury . It doesn’t matter either way as it gets extremely uncomfortable when she moves in close with her phone to get my details and then emits a 20 second fart that sounds like a Yamaha 180 starting up . I don’t think she even knows it’s happening , I coil back but once again my other self says “don’t , she’l get embarrassed! ” ” Yeah but what if it stinks ? ” Doesn’t matter dude you got us in this now you take it on like a man .” That’s when I signed my details over . What do I do ?

Marcus ? ………..Yes I caulked up his shower and his bath and his bench top and I hung two hooks in his garage and I hung his bikes on the hook and………….. I eventually got outta there . Later he calls and asks … ” Since you are going back to Australia I’m thinking it would be a good idea that I borrow your Pathfinder , it’ll save you having to move it on street sweeping days and it’s going to be well loved by Teddy and I instead of sitting in your wife’s car park getting dust all over it . Whaddya think ? “

I didn’t do it for me , it was for Jody Goddard , Tara and a few others , I sensed there might be another late chapter left . I promised ole mate one last favour , I’d caulk his shower at his new place . After receiving 4 phone calls and 6 texts yesterday I thought I better get it outta the way. I woke up grumpy , a little irritated as I know there are always caveats to his requests……..”Troy , do you mind doing chair yoga with me this morning before we caulk the shower . It’s a favour for a good friend of mine who has low numbers and needs to keep her gig .”, love ,your brother Marcus . ……….WTF “You can’t be serious ? Geriatric yoga , that’s what you want me to do ? ” , I reply . ” Oh please , I told her I’d bring you , it’s only 45 minutes and it’s surprisingly good .” ” Ahhhhhh , ok just this once .

My mood is pretty dark , I await out the front of the community centre and there’s not a soul here . And then he rocks up with his dog , his red hair , beard and Cubs hat , with that big cheery grin plastered on his face . Behind him an old frail woman follows . ” Mate there’s no one fucken here . What’s going on ? Have all her customers died off .” The woman behind him looks at me in a hurt manner . It’s then I realise this woman is the teacher . We walk into an old high ceiling , oak floor boarded room and there’s just 3 fucking chairs in the middle of the room . It’s Marcus , me and our yoga instructor , who by the way can’t speak at all . No shit , she’s in her late 60s and has had a severe brain injury as a result of a car accident . She adjusts the seat so as she is facing directly opposite me with our knees almost touching , Marcus is off to the side ……Why me ?Why don’t I get to be the one on the side ?I have to look her directly in the eyes as an IPad starts to emit gentle music with instructions . I desperately wanted to take a photo but shit it’d be a bit disrespectful. This scene was comical and out of a Hollywood movie . When I got to close my eyes it was with incredible relief and it was at this point I almost burst out laughing . Howie , just think about anything . You’re not here and she’s not there with her knees just 6 inches from you . It’s not true , na na na na not happening. You’ll open your eyes and it’ll be time to wake up for the new day . …. No she’s still there . I follow her lead as we do these weird hand movements , shoulder rolls and head tilts . Marcus continually interrupts and talks over the music asking questions about Australia and Tim ( yes you Tim Allen , he has an urgent business proposition to discuss with you , he needs your email ) and all other shit . Next we’ve got this scarf thing between each hand ,stretching and swaying ,but the movements aren’t rhythmical there clunky and awkward and oh my god I can’t stop my lip from curling up as I think I’m gonna piss myself laughing . Fortunately Marcus’s dog Teddy grabs the middle of her scarf and tries to rip it off her , forcing her back as if she’s about to fall flat on her back whilst on her chair . Marcus shouts “No Teddy ! ” By this time I can’t believe I’m here seeing this . Eventually we do a number of little tricks with balls under our feet and between our legs , and then passing the ball back and forth between each other . No , this really happened , no mayonnaise on this story . 45 minutes had passed and we still hadn’t used all the toys at our disposal. Standing against the wall we stared at each other and then finally I closed my eyes as she gently touched each hand and dabbed an aromatherapy oil on each wrist followed then by her getting down and blessing my feet . 70 minutes later it was over and that was after she stood in front of me with a blank face and showed me her phone , she wanted my email and phone number . Ohh , fuck did I tell you I was soft ? Whaddya do ? I can’t not give it to her .. I felt sorry for her . ”

“Hey , Troy did you bring her some money , we’ve got to pay her .”

As was mentioned previously we had a pretty big night at the school fundraiser. As a consequence Keto plans were paused . Pizza , beer , wine , margaritas, gin and then back to beer was sure to put some carbs and sugar back in . Oh yeah praise the lord . It was only the next day when I looked out the door I knew I had problems Geezus , why today ? Why so good ..and I feel so bad . I miss it for one of the 1st times ever . Leroy’s got baseball . We endure that ,then it’s time to take him to a birthday party at a rock climbing joint . Emma drives , allowing me to stay in veg mode . I actually fancy myself on a wall , I’ve been on a thousand or so in my previous work life, ahh but not today . I’d likely suffer a brain aneurysm whilst straining in my current state . Check this joint out for scale , it’s super impressive and it’s bloody high Look carefully and you’ll see this guy about 60 feet up and he’s not on the biggest wall . They don’t do things by half over here and why not if you’ve got 6 million dollars to spend on a facility like this . All time surf and an all time rock wall all missed in the one day but we’ve still got one more chance , and I grab it with both hands . Yep , Elsugundo Brewing , what better way to extend yourself and get back on it . Just priming myself up for Aus , the engines been a bit thirsty , keto’s had it stuck in 2nd gear . Ahhh shit back to eggs and lettuce leaves after this

I can’t believe I’m spitting out the details of last night at 8 o’clock this morning . I’m sitting watching Joel Osteen preach the Lord’s Prayer but I can’t here a thing , and praise the lord for that Joel cause you are full of shit , but I’m hung over enough to not even care .When you’re woken up by a splitting headache ,self inflicted ,you know there’s no where to go . At least I’ve got company , there’ll be a lot of sore heads this morning . Last night was the major fundraiser for the local schools . Fundraising for schools is a major driver of social activities here and throughout the US. It’s fortunately something our Australian counterparts don’t have to rely on , although we still do it but not on the need and scale that it’s pushed here . At $350 ,2 tickets got us in to our 1st ‘Hearts of Hermosa ‘, the big gig in the fundraising calendar . The night had pricked my interest as a spectacle . I had visions of mums showing off their finest , boobs out ( fake or real ) , Botox by the tonnage , with pouting and posing brought to the fore , their husbands gathering in groups stiffly nodding and talking about not much or even worse ( yawn) , the Stockmarket or bond yields or some other boring shit . I’m also aware that when I get a little loose I start to swear like a construction worker and I’ll have to try and curb it a little .

There’s an element of the unknown when you’re dressing for the big night . Is a pair of pants , brown dress shoes and a short sleeve collared surf inspired shirt good enough to pass the dress code ? Do I need a sports jacket or dress shirt ? I’ll find out soon enough . We headed to John and Jeanie’s for pre drinks ., or as its known here ‘ pre game ‘That’s them above . Yep ,they’re a cool looking couple and they are cool people . Ben and Megan also East coasters and refreshingly straight to the point joined us .A giant marquee on a parking lot doesn’t sound impressive but it truly was , and I wasn’t surprised . A margarita bar , gin bar , boutique beer , copious wine and even my old favourite hard kombucha. No I have never tried hard kombucha, it makes me laugh that something so healthy gets alcohol added to it and then sold , yep it’ll happen here . Of course once you start to loosen up all the fear and negativity disappears, and I wasn’t stuck on the edge of some conversation on bond yields or property taxes ( it’s happened before ) .Waitresses on roller skates was funny enough but when they put on a dance performance for the crowd I was thinking how crazy this looked . I was waiting for Larry Flint to appear or Hugh Hefner to come in and bow at the end of the performance . You know me , I had to get a photo or 9 just for art sake. All up it was an an impressive night with good food , pumping music and parents letting their hair and their guard down , and fuck I was swearing like a trooper and didn’t even care .

By 11pm a heap of us had migrated down to the local institution ,Paisanos to get down some dirty old pizza . Whilst eating my pepperoni I noticed a chunk go down my throat , moments later I realised it was part of my tongue .When you’re not feeling pain you know you’re hammered .When the others started playing skulling games we knew it was time to call it quits . Even at the end of all this we were privileged to be shuttled home in golf carts as part of the nights offer . Finally you are probably wondering about the Keto diet …… blew that fucker to bits last night .

Well pups, we’ll be in that twilight zone right about now in 6/7 days time . You see ,this morning was the sweetest of mornings . That new swell ? It’s been here for 3 days now , god bless it . It wasn’t until I was walking down the beach about 500 m from our joint that it struck a cord . The regular 930am Qantas flight caught my eye . You see it every morning take off over El Segundo , 15 minutes north of us . I was anxious , twitching a bit , chewing on the bottom lip ,scanning my little spot I’d gravitated to . Fuck , there’s 3 guys on it . Motherfuckers , that’s my little secret ;but today it’s no secret and by tomorrow if this swell stays as predicted it’ll be everybody’s little secret . ………..Fuck it , I’m not going out there , I’ll find something else , but geezus it’s nearly as good as I’ve ever seen it here .That’s when I saw the flying kangaroo take off on the red bird . I paused ,shit we’ll be on her or one of her sisters this time next week , about 9 hours in , probably in that pain zone of a long haul flight (15hours) . We leave Thursday night and arrive Saturday morning , missing the whole of Friday in that weird quirk of crossing the dateline.Thats when I thought it’d be great if I could get a session in on the waves next week before I fly out . That’d be perfect scripting . You reminisce on all those big night outs you had planned when you were young . Getting a good surf on the day of the big night set you up beautifully . No matter the pressure to pick up or to enjoy the night you were already satisfied. The pressure was off .

Back to looking at my spot ……… it was firing , everywhere is firing . Nah I feel it now , I’ve seen my old Qantas flight take off and I feel better . I’m out to my ‘secret spot ‘ , a fat right right hand beach break standing out like a pair of balls on a stud pit bull . Did I say 3 people? That’s spoilt . Put this wave into most Australian beaches and there’d be a pack of 10 to 20 guys chewing this joint out . Only one Aussie today . 20 minutes later I had racked up a fistful of waves and still had 2 hours left in me . Shit it’s tough .

Tomorrow: Hearts of Hermosa , the major school fundraiser and big night out for the year . Surf report: 3 to 6 foot ,think I’ll be satisfied tomorrow night . Next Thursday it won’t matter , I’ll be satisfied to get on that flying kangaroo , surf or no surf . See you soon . Straight out front. It’s actually about 4 foot and it’s a rare occurrence ,but this winter it’s been on .

There’s something going on that doesn’t get spoken about enough , it’s the clarity . I mean , every time you read about some diet and the writer talking about how they feel once dieting they mention it , but it’s too brief . We are closing in on 4 weeks of very controlled eating , too controlled for my liking , but the biggest benefit for me is my head . Could I have at last stumbled upon a means to shrink my head ? It feels smaller , lighter , cleaner . I dunno what’s happening but the weight in my head has lessened . I don’t want to sound like some diet blogger / guru but I feel exceptionally good almost every day . Could I actually be growing brain cells ? Nah , that wouldn’t make sense as my head would be getting bigger . Fuck that I’d need to get back on the bong and start drinking real quick to stop that . It’s really made me sit up and take notice . Why such a clear head ?

I’m not going to the homework and look into it cause that’s gonna give me a headache, and they’ve been super rare since starting this Keto kick . Really , why so crystal clear ? No sugar , super low carbs . What’s the biggest influence ? Or is it just both ? I don’t know this for a fact , but I’m leaning towards the exclusion of any refined sugars in the diet . It’s been an eye opener . Just try and find products on the supermarket shelf that have no added sugar , it’s tough . I’m starting to look at all those hysterical fitness freaks we see on ‘The biggest loser ‘ in a new light . SUGAR is the enemy . That’s my call , with no scientific data to prove it , but just saying my brain feels laser sharp and I’m backing it in .

It takes me back to a conversation I had with Megan Deutscher . A lot of us know Megan back home in Aus . She’s a fitness freak , a gun personal trainer and is bloody lean . I wondered how she lost the weight , and she looked good with it on either way . I never really asked how she did it but I got an insight and it’s starting to strike a cord now . I asked what treats , if any , that she ever rewarded herself with ? She said a nice glass of red ( Pino noir)and a dark piece of chocolate . I pretty much scoffed at her . “Nah , I mean something a little bad and sweet “, I said . She replied that the she could taste the sweetness in the red easily and the the taste of the dark chocolate was easily enough to satisfy her cravings . I walked away and thought….”Nah Megan , you’re crazy and talking shit , there’s gotta be a TimTam or donut hidden in there somewhere “. ……… You see , I knew the answer . I truly believed Megan there and then , it was just that I didn’t want to believe her and hoped like hell a donut had been sneaked in occasionally, as sure as hell I’m not giving them up .

After 4 weeks of eliminating sugar and carbs I can taste sugar in a lot of things I’d never had before . Red wine ,and yes Pino tasted so fruity ,and 90% dark Lindt chocolate I need every night . I have grown accustomed to dark chocolate , love that shit . I’m calling it , cut the sugar and your head will shrink an inch in diameter , and yes I know how Megan lost the weight .