What a morning . It’s got a foreboding kind of feel to it , there’s a sense of a real shift .It’s that pent up atmosphere that indicates a turning point , a precipice to face and then ………. hopefully a glide down . Big tides , a new solid swell and conditions I generally love ,it reminds me of home with that thicker shape and that natural rawness that the Mornington beach breaks possess. I’m not going out though . I can’t concentrate , I’ve got a meeting that could at last point me in a new direction . I laugh to myself , as it had to be today and at this time . The waves don’t get good like this very often , it’s pretty rare , this meeting I have is even rarer .

Almost 2 years ago we arrived . It was an adventure , a life change and an escape from a life that I thought we’d only ever know . It was surreal , and I mean totally surreal . To walk in a new neighbourhood and not know a thing or soul that existed here . Before that ;25 years of getting up at 515am , my work clothes , covered in dry silicone , fluorescent green at the side of my bed . Grabbing them and sliding down to the kitchen to put the kettle on for a coffee and some toast . Hitting the toilet , brushing the teeth and sliding out the back door before the sun had even started to rise . The house quiet with sleeping wife and kids .Often you drive an hour or more into the tradie rush hour , trying to shoot through short cuts , finding car parking and entering large construction sites.Mornings started by carrying gear into the alimaks( external lifts you see on the side of buildings , that are made of steele and covered in mesh ) , and then the rise to the 18th floor . You’re met by a stinging chill , you hold your chin to your chest and march on , the day gets better , and then it’s the mad rush to sneak out early and rush back to get the kids .Day in , day out you race the clock , everyday is results based when you’re a caulker . The meterage achieved buys you quiet , there’ll be no questions from front office tonight . It was a mundane job that is deceivingly tough on the body . We don’t get much credit , but we are needed , and well paid . We don’t need sympathy , but everyday you grind away , up ladders , on your hands and knees , hunched over ,always focused .I thought I’d never miss it ………………..I was wrong

For 3 months I walked the streets exploring our new area , checking out every nook and cranny . The wife and kids at work and school . It was a relief to not hear the phone ring . I’d been ‘out on my own ‘,working for myself for 10 months . I was shocked at how busy ,tired and stressed I’d become . I appreciated it too , I was embarrassed that people wanted little old me to do their stuff ……..but we moved abroad and walked away from everything . I waited nearly 6 months( can’t remember ,already ) to get my working in the US card . By then I realised it wasn’t going to be used as a caulker . It’s a long story I’ve covered before , let’s just say it isn’t in demand in LA . What do I do ? This is where you really get a shock . I really know nothing . I’ve done one thing for 25 years and have become institutionalised . I stood on my high horse and said “I’m not doing any shit kicking jobs ” , “I’m not going back to the bottom ” , but really I had no choice . Of course having kids and losing your networks make it tough when it comes to job selection …..and then there’s the wage drop and working conditions . It’s a world away or should I say ,a world below what we expect in Australia .

It was time to reinvent . I chose massage and physical therapy . It’s too late to totally re-educate and go back to tertiary study , at least over here. 14 months and nearly 7 grand later I’m almost finished . After 2 years of not working , I’m looking for something . I should get out there and catch a couple of those fuckers , as I’ve got nervous tension to burn , but I don’t want to rush and I need to get this outta the way . I’m off ……….. for an interview or meeting on a possible new job ,for the 1st time since I was 20 .

It was so quiet this morning , deathly quiet. A thick fog had engulfed the coastline ,enveloping us in a grey dullness . There were no doors slamming , no music … or singing , no barking or shouting for the barking to stop at 645 am . Nothing could be heard but for the distant hum of traffic and the shore breakers swamping the sand on high tide . There was no car taking off with foot to the floor , blasting it’s 4 of 6 working cylinders . There was no light emanating across the way . There was no fresh pool of oil on the parking spaces out the front . There was no grey BMW with all of its panels dinted , duct tape keeping the lights on and more duct tape keeping the heavily caved in passenger door from falling off . The worst car on the street is now probably my 2006 Black Nissan Pathfinder. Oh well , it hasn’t a dent on it , and still has a catalytic converter attached . No dogs , bongs, cigar butts, golf clubs or Starbucks cups by the dozen in my car .

I walked down the street front with board under arm for the first time in a long while . I didn’t bother with the back alley . The door was open until 8pm last night and there was nothing . No knock , no pitter patter of dog feet , no yelling out incessantly ,”TROY !”or “Aussie , or gedddayy Osssie mate ! No yelling out , “Troy can you help me!” NOTHING

430 was the deadline . A $2500 cheque was riding on it . I relented and went up there . He had 15 minutes and there was at least 2 hours worth of moving and sorting left to go. I shook my head and rolled my eyes . Could it be any other way ? The two gay male models Uri and Florentino were moving stuff with tops off and abs gleaming , laughing the whole way . They’re the downstairs neighbours . Myrna was busy picking up the endless piles of shit that was hoarded . I moved around like a zombie and grabbed small pieces . Marcus ……….. he just talked and directed . Did I say before that this guy expects others to do stuff for him , and we do .

The landlord arrived . A Chinese woman named Jenny . She is a surgeon and she looked pissed . I think she wanted to get the scalpels out as soon as she got here . 6 minutes to go and the joint looked like a tip . “Marcus , you’ve got 6 minutes to get out before the locks are changed .” , Jenny orders . “Fuck you , it’s 445 , I’m gonna ring my fucking lawyer!”Marcus yells . Then a war of words erupts debating the time . She asks Marcus for the exit deeds ( I think that’s what it is ). He can’t find it . He’s incredible for this type of stuff . When you smoke dope all day everyday you’re short term memory is fucked . I oughta know , as this was me for 7 years . A stand off ensued. Jenny is threatening to call the police , Marcus is cursing her with barbs about feeling sorry for her patients and her husband . I step in ……… “Marcus, for Christs sake shut the fuck up .” I whisper in his ear . “You’ve extorted $2500 out of her for leaving early ,just leave the stuff up there …… it’s all just junk . Walk the fuck away and find that document .” He won’t . Eventually he realised that the deed is on his front seat . At 429 I go upstairs with Jenny and Marcus to witness the handing over of the deed and the $2500 cheque . You couldn’t script this any better . Either one won’t give up their document until they receive the other in their hand . They pause for 5 seconds without blinking . They don’t trust each other at all . If only I could’ve filmed this , fucking hilarious . Marcus ends up yelling “cmon ! ” Jenny reaches out and hands the cheque out but then pulls her hand back . I step in . “Marcus , just hand the deed over ……………It’s done . The locks are changed and ole mate is out .

Fuck , did I say it was quiet ?

You can’t keep the bling out of this joint for too long . Just add sun after a long absence ,and it’s time to get out and strut .Theres plenty here that do and fuck are they good at it .A silver mirrored merc ? Of course10 out of 10 looking people lazing on the strand in 15 million dollar homes , for all to see ? Why wouldn’t they ?A St.Pats day walk in the high heels with flesh to show ? Has to be yep this weekend felt like opening day to the summer season ….. even though we were in the last days of winter . There’s places that are great for people watching and I’ve been to a few but Hermosa Beach punches way above its weight division . An afternoon walk on the weekend leading into the next few months …… it’s always interesting . To Al and Ash who will be here just before July 4 …….. here’s a small taste for what’s in store

Another week slides by , our 23 rd month in LA . After a long winter the Atypical conditions of SoCal have shown just in time for St.Patricks day . St.Patricks day and Hermosa Beach go hand in hand . Today’s the day Hermosa awakens from winter , the crowds , the parade , the bars and the bikinis return .We still don’t finish winter until March 20 ,you wouldn’t know it this weekend .Of course this coincides with the 3rd week of our health conscious diet , a tough juncture on self discipline. Ahh ……. I’m just hanging in there .

The continual hunger has got the better of me and my portion size and snacking has increased . Still , I’m not eating carbs or sugar ……until Friday night . It was time to gather for the kids basketball season party and bbq . The esky ( cooler ) had a couple of IPAs , a bottle of sav Blanc and a bottle of Pino ( cheap and pretty good here ) . Geezus we are not gonna drink all this are we? You bet .

Your taste buds : they’ve adjusted . You still crave and want stuff , with a memory of how things taste , but that’s where the shock comes in . The IPA blew my head off on the 1st mouthful. It was so powerful , sweet and lacked subtlety. The flavour burst was an assault on the taste buds , I gave my 2nd can away . My 1st cup of red wine ( a mixed red ) had me grimacing . What the fuck am I drinking ? Is this cherry juice ? It’s the sugar , your tongue picks it up instantly and sends a message to your brain imploring you to spit it out . …Not here , I tell myself . Leo , one of our neighbours asks what I think of the wine ? I politely tell him I like it . It’s when he turns around in another conversation that I quickly tip it out so know one can see . The wine is probably fine it’s just that my tastebuds are hyper sensitive . Don’t worry I get over it quickly and it’s not before long that I drank Pino , cabsav , anything dry red and finish with a mouthful of Nates straight bourbon ( awful ) . With alcohol , snacking is mandatory . Crisps ( yes we all them chips ) savoury biscuits and anything salty is tough to resist . That means carbs , fuck I miss them , and shit they still taste good . ……..The next morning is where I feel it , the hangover is worse than usual and 3 weeks prior to this weekend I’d probably have woken up only slightly jaded . …… That’s where the pain doubles up , it’s the St.Patricks day parade and there’s Guinness flowing , hotdogs sizzling and burgers wafting . Fuck … this ain’t fair .

Finally , observations have leant me to the obvious change in your tastebuds . Sugar , you sense it dramatically when it arrives . I’m coming around to all those fitness junkies who view sugar as the enemy . They’re onto something , you don’t need it , and when shopping for products it’s incredibly hard to find stuff without it . Even a bag of broccoli I bought that is prepackaged and set up for steaming by microwaving the bag had 2 grams of sugar added . I couldn’t believe it . The 3rd week completed and it’s still tough , more so the social events and alcohol which I won’t quit on ( ever ) . I still feel good but I feel I may not have dropped much if any weight this week . The plateau was inevitable . Next week : cyclical Keto ……….Yes there’s more ………until then ,keep drinking Guiness .

Only 27 messages and 26 phone calls . 7 and a half contacts a day , shit ole mate is practically ignoring me …ahh no , no he isn’t . You see , the old boy is moving out and into another unit 3 miles away with his Phillipino girlfriend. The rumbling could be felt right down the street … Yeehaa !! Could be heard . The women are counting down the days to warmer months when they can sit on the balcony with a glass of wine and a book whilst enjoying the sunset . They couldn’t do this in the past as Marcus would invite himself over to talk their ears off whilst measuring their physical attributes, and with not too much subtlety. Guys would also be harassed but if there was a woman she’d practically be accosted . As ole mate will tell you , “Im a fucken pretty good looking dude for a 67 year old bald redhead with long hair . I think I could fuck some of these women . I’m a chance ” . But he’s not gone yet and it’s like he’s on hyper drive . Ole mate Marcus won’t pay for a removalist , instead he’s relied on my muscle and vehicle to move his stuff . He has been relentless in harassing me for help . He comes over to my back balcony and watches or ,should I say critiques my routine whilst he eats breakfast whilst sucking on a cigar . He then followed me down to the surf . I stayed out longer to shake him off . I get home , towel off and check my phone,;it’s already got 2 missed calls and 2 messages on it from only 3 minutes ago . It shows that he has seen me get back to my place even though I’ve used the back alleyway to hide from him .And as I pack my stuff quietly on the back balcony he appears . There’s no escaping him at the moment . I relent and tell him I can squeeze another trip in for him . He retreats home . Just as I’m about to head in our upstairs neighbour Kerry appears . I tell her the news of Marcus’s imminent departure . She laughs and expels “Yes ” , with a fist pump . I begin to tell her about ole mates constant badgering when outta the blue he bobs up again .

He loves Kerry , thinks he’s a chance . Kerry’s maybe in her late 20s , has a rocking body and it was me who told Marcus so . The dumb fuck doesn’t remember I told him and now tells me that someone told him she’s got a great arse and rig . It’s when he sees Kerry that he follows her upstairs and then talks to her for 10 minutes whilst I move his shit . You see , Marcus has always relied on people to do things for him whilst he is free to entertain . It’s how it was when he was wealthy ( he was very wealthy ) and it’s something he still won’t adjust to . His Philliphino girlfriend will now be his banker and housekeeper. We eventually get to moving to his place , it’s whilst driving he tells me that he could smell Kerrys scent . I’m shaking my head . “You’re a filthy old c^*t “, I tell him . ” No I’m not . I reckon if I could’ve talked a little longer I could’ve been invited in and then I would’ve fucked her “, he says …. “Mate , you’re delusional .” , I tell him laughing .”Why ?”, he replies . “Mate , cause you’re 90 years old and look like Mr, Burns from ‘The Simpson’s ‘ . I love putting him down . The day before he invited me to play fusbool ( that table tennis / slash board thingy game ) . The only thing it wasn’t his table and it was in the next door neighbours place where mum and daughter were playing in the garage . The cheeky fuck was inviting me and himself over without even asking , all under the guise of staring out our neighbours beautiful 20 something daughter !! I said “you’re kidding mate , you can do it alone “. And he did . It wasn’t long before they packed up and closed the garage door . The poor women here are at his mercy . Remember he’s 67 with red hair .

It was whilst writing this he walked straight through our open front door and asked if he could have one of the kids cinnamon scrolls sitting in their packaging on the kitchen bench . There is no end to this guys wants. I told him no as it was there’s for school tomorrow. He was stunned that I said no . Eventually I relented and gave him one , hoping that he’d leave , but no he stayed . He needed it microwaved and then tells me I should’ve bought a better quality scroll …… not kidding . ……… He’s leaving soon but tells me it’s another week and that he’d just extorted $2500 off the landlord as he was leaving a month early . He told her he was willing to go to court over it ……. She’s paying him out ….. can you believe it . Ole mate , he’s gotta go .

I guess the heading sums up the topic . After a week of detox and constant hunger pangs it’s onto the next stage of diet . Let me say this ; I’m a non believer in diets . I’m a critic , but here I am doing Keto . I’m doing this on 3 fronts , the 1st is to support Emma , the 2nd is for my own vanity and the 3rd is experimental so I can see for myself .

7 days of detox and now 10 days of Keto . Results ? Yeah I’ve lost some weight and I feel remarkably clear headed . Tough ? …….. brutal . Everyday is still a fight with hunger and cravings and I can honestly say it hasn’t let up after 17 days . I’m waiting for that moment where I can say the desire for carbs and sugar have subsided ….. not so far . Even writing about this at 930 at night has my stomach rumbling. In my case , not working , cooking most meals ,preparing snacks and lunches for the kids has been a constant temptation . I’ve been disciplined. Not a piece of pasta , rice , fruit , potato’s , fries , cereal , bread or sweet treat has touched my lips …..honest . There has been exceptions ,3 beers . That’s all I’ve had ….. makes me want to cry . Anyway back to Keto

Keto is pretty tasty . Plenty of butter , cheeses and bacon . Even coffee with with heavy whipping cream is pretty tasty . I used to have 1 sugar , but the full fat dairy replaces it . The almost no carbs daily regime is tough but the toughest thing is portion control . This for me is the most contentious issue , you eat less . A lot less . The question is what’s the biggest influence of results , is it reduced calories or less sugars and carbohydrates? This diet can only be temporary as I’m a bona fide foody and purveyor of all things swallowed . I fantasise lays salt n vinegar chips , crisp cold beer and a host of other treats . Don’t worry pups , I’ll be back on the tooth soon .

Side effects ? Apart from cravings I’ve noticed my lips and tongue have felt odd at times . Yeah I know , I haven’t read that one anywhere . It’s like I’ve burnt my lips and I want to keep rubbing it with my tongue . At 1st you are thirsty but that backs off . Energy has been lower but it is close to restored now . Farting has dramatically decreased , and I used to be king in this area . After the 7 day detox I was a shitting machine , now just once a day and a couple of times nearly 2 days . That is rare for me . I go to bed most nights peckish as opposed to the detox ‘starving phase ‘. Also the depressive state that engulfed me under detox has lifted , but still even with this new found clarity the constant fight to eat well is tiring and always suppressing your thoughts and creativity .

Finally is it working ? Yes it is , and quite quickly . After being told by my class mate that she thought I weighed 200 pounds ( almost 91kg) when I got back from my cruise it shocked me into action . The thing was ,I was still very active and reasonably fit , but getting bigger . I landed here at 84 kg , that’s a stone put on in the old language in 2 years . I think I’ve dropped about 4 to 5 kgs , but I don’t weigh myself and rely on the mirror test . How much longer ? Not much more ….. I’m dreaming of a wet weekend

I guess the heading sums up the topic . After a week of detox and constant hunger pangs it’s onto the next stage of diet . Let me say this ; I’m a non believer in diets . I’m a critic , but here I am doing Keto . I’m doing this on 3 fronts , the 1st is to support Emma , the 2nd is for my own vanity and the 3rd is experimental so I can see for myself .

7 days of detox and now 10 days of Keto . Results ? Yeah I’ve lost some weight and I feel remarkably clear headed . Tough ? …….. brutal . Everyday is still a fight with hunger and cravings and I can honestly say it hasn’t let up after 17 days . I’m waiting for that moment where I can say the desire for carbs and sugar have subsided ….. not so far . Even writing about this at 930 at night has my stomach rumbling. In my case , not working , cooking most meals ,preparing snacks and lunches for the kids has been a constant temptation . I’ve been disciplined. Not a piece of pasta , rice , fruit , potato’s , fries , cereal , bread or sweet treat has touched my lips …..honest . There has been exceptions ,3 beers . That’s all I’ve had ….. makes me want to cry . Anyway back to Keto

Keto is pretty tasty . Plenty of butter , cheeses and bacon . Even coffee with with heavy whipping cream is pretty tasty . I used to have 1 sugar , but the full fat dairy replaces it . The almost no carbs daily regime is tough but the toughest thing is portion control . This for me is the most contentious issue , you eat less . A lot less . The question is what’s the biggest influence of results , is it reduced calories or less sugars and carbohydrates? This diet can only be temporary as I’m a bona fide foody and purveyor of all things swallowed . I fantasise lays salt n vinegar chips , crisp cold beer and a host of other treats . Don’t worry pups , I’ll be back on the tooth soon .

Side effects ? Apart from cravings I’ve noticed my lips and tongue have felt odd at times . Yeah I know , I haven’t read that one anywhere . It’s like I’ve burnt my lips and I want to keep rubbing it with my tongue . At 1st you are thirsty but that backs off . Energy has been lower but it is close to restored now . Farting has dramatically decreased , and I used to be king in this area . After the 7 day detox I was a shitting machine , now just once a day and a couple of times nearly 2 days . That is rare for me . I go to bed most nights peckish as opposed to the detox ‘starving phase ‘. Also the depressive state that engulfed me under detox has lifted , but still even with this new found clarity the constant fight to eat well is tiring and always suppressing your thoughts and creativity .

Finally is it working ? Yes it is , and quite quickly . After being told by my class mate that she thought I weighed 200 pounds ( almost 91kg) when I got back from my cruise it shocked me into action . The thing was ,I was still very active and reasonably fit , but getting bigger . I landed here at 84 kg , that’s a stone put on in the old language in 2 years . I think I’ve dropped about 4 to 5 kgs , but I don’t weigh myself and rely on the mirror test . How much longer ? Not much more ….. I’m dreaming of a wet weekend

We needed to do something , so we set off for a drive to Elsegundo to check out a local football combine for college selections . This is only 10 minutes up the road from our place at the foot of LAX . We thought it would be interesting to see college scouts assessing hopefuls from the local high schools. Unfortunately we arrived as it was wrapping up , that was disappointing. I still fancy myself as a wide receiver and fantasised about asking to try out . I still reckon I’d out catch all of them ….. if only the hammys could hold up . Is 49 young enough ? This quirk of fate pushed us to try a new place for lunch. Leroy was not happy .

Culver City …. it’s only half an hour from our joint and it’s embarrassing to say we’ve only just tripped onto to the place . The thing is … I knew about this place before we moved here . Mark and Julie ( I think that’s her name ) were a client that I’d caulked for . They run an international furniture business ( Vietnam House wares ) with a factory based in Vietnam using the local craftsmanship to supply large retail chains in the US , and even have a specialty store near Hollywood that their son runs …. and I haven’t even bothered to check it out . Mark the owner had urged me to look at Culver City as a location worth settling in. It was never going to happen as there’s no surf beaches closer enough . It’s time to check the place out .

Just before you get to downtown Culver City you pass Sony studios , a massive site that is a city unto itself . I was shocked at its size , and could only imagine the business this drives in Culver City . Whoa…… Culver City is pretty hip , and the most Melbourne like destination I’ve seen in California . It reminded me of Moonee Ponds / Carlton / Brunswick Street . Cool cafes , buskers , brick front building , almost Victorian style architecture and large trees that weren’t oak but looked like them . If you’d of drugged me , blindfolded me and brought me here I’d still think I was in Melbourne . Today there was some bike festival , that had me laughing to myself thinking of the Greens party and their dominance in inner city Melbourne . Shit , this is LA dude . The cafes looked hip , the menus were funky and the craft beers served had me feeling thoroughly miserable . If only I could find a Melbourne quality cappuccino, I couldn’t . A barista would kill it here . It wasn’t the best the day to be on a Keto diet , but Public School served some pretty good food and had those darker older shades , with brass fittings that you’d see in inner city Melbourne . Culver City had something about it that was different , it had style and a little bit of class . We’ll be back .

Pissing down …… again . I’m now declaring this LA winter on par with the wettest and most miserable Melbourne winters . No exaggeration, not even when taking into account that the previous 20 months saw temperatures almost never drop below 20 degrees Celsius . Of course we’ve become acclimatised ( it’s not acclimated , that’s an American only term , not in the Oxford dictionary) , and maybe this cold wet stuff outside has been a shock . Never the less I’ve enjoyed it until lately . Ummmm , the surf …. where’s it gone ? It’s been mostly flat for a month now . ………. Its left ole mate across the road back within range again . I’m home more , and he loves it . This morning he sends me two texts : the 1st ..”stay dry “. The 2nd …” Good morning Aussie mate , love you . ” Fuck it makes me sick . I looked through my phone and noticed he only texted me 36 times and rang me 23 times in the last week , it’s down from 3 months ago but is trending up . I look out the window , it gets worse , it’s raining . I’m trapped , he’s across the road , it’s only a matter of time before he knocks on the door . I call him the vampire , a red headed version of Gargemel from the Smurfs . Leroy calls Marcus ….Farcus . Yeah I know I shouldn’t encourage it , but you know ….. sort of works for me . …..Oh FUCK !!!! He’s knocking on the door now , no bullshit .

He came over to lecture me about my diet .. he knows everything about everything he’ll tell ya so , also he wanted one of our avocados ,as he saw it in the basket on our kitchen table . He’s always angling for anything to eat from you .He always rocks up whilst I’m cooking and at a 100% strike rate if the doors open . He’s the ultimate scab . You relent and give the avocado to him so as you can try and satisfy him to get him out . It doesn’t work , I tell him I’ve got to shower but he still wants to stay . In the end I make up some shit about going to school afterwards . He eventually leaves . Now I’ve gotta get out of the house , or he’l be back .

As I said it’s been wet , ole mates back on the sent and I’m hungry , as usual . There’s no escape from the kitchen . The cupboards full of biscuits ( cookies, for some ) , bread and other treats that I can’t touch . NOTHIG is meant to enter the lips bar cauliflower , avocado , celery and an inside of a sausage ( sausage tailing ) smaller than one of my balls . Yum . ….. I’m starting to understand what it feels to be like a caged tiger at the zoo , or worse ……a fat kid looking through the bakery window .

I’ve had it in my mind for a while , I’m gonna try this soon . Fuck it , after this cruise we’re doin this ! Actually , if you rewind back as much as 18 months I knew that the balance of scales were outta whack here . This joint ……. there are a lot of oddities about living here . Of course there’s been culture shock , and some of it I’ve been ready for , but this wasn’t one . … Where are all the eaters ? We are in America , the fattest nation on earth . You know ,the biggest loser and my 600 pound life and all that stuff you see back in Australia ? Not in Hermosa , not in the South Bay . Everybody’s so god damn normal , actually they’re better than that …….they’re lean . I’ve always been a devotee to staying healthy and keeping my weight in check but this place makes you self examine your eating practices. Doesn’t anyone drink ? What do they do for food ?

I’m one of those guys who’ll take a sneak peak at myself as I pass a shop window . “Shit ,looking good today Howie , if I could only shrink the head .” Once landing here and getting to know the lay of the land you tend to gravitate to the beach front . This is where I’ve found myself getting the biggest reality check . Men my age are fit . Theres fuckers with abbs , some into their late 50s with bodies of 20 somethings . At school pick up 90 % of fathers are flat stomached . For the first 4 months I got fit and joined them . but then it slowly crept back on . I mean ….. it’s the beer here ….there’s so much of it ,and it’s fucking cheap …and looking like I did above wasn’t easy . The burgers ! They’re awesome and shit do I have to eat lean , run , gym and surf all the time to stay this way ? I love …love …love a nice beer , a bag of salt n vinegar chips , a sunset to gaze into and then more beer and a rack of ribs with macaroni cheese to follow . Since this photo I think I’ve added 15 or maybe more pounds in the last year and a half . What’s compounded on this is the course I’m doing ;massage and sports treatment . Everyone in class is lean , some are vegetarians and everyone is diet conscious and knowledgeable. My teacher is 52 ,is ripped , doesn’t drink and devotes his life to his body.My often partner ( female ) is a weight lifter and is built like a male ufc fighter, the other guy in the class would have skin folds at 10% or less , and the other 3 girls are goddam yogis . What a boring lot . The main problem has been that I’m often picked out as the life model and I’ve gotta get the gear off and show the beer pack off .

Yep this picture is a fair indication of where I’ve come to , back from a cruise and it’s time to take action …… a cleanse and then a Keto diet .

I don’t want this to be some boring diet blog , I’m doing this out of vanity and curiosity .

1st night in , I go to bed peckish . We’ve started with the Whole Foods cleanse and detox , which stipulates eating clean to give it its best chance of working . Day 2 and it’s berries for breakfast , salad for lunch and roast vegetables for dinner , no starch , no sugar , no dairy , no meat . I go to bed starving . Day 3 I wake at 431am with a ripping headache . Same food as the day before , but I treat myself with green tea …a lot. The headache persists all day and I feel thoroughly shit . I go to bed starving . Day 4 ( Wednesday) I wake up and feel pretty clear . Still I’d love a coffee . The diet stays the same but we have veggie burgers today ( no buns ) . I go to bed starving . Day5 I wake up extra clear and feel lighter . The berries are un appetising but they do a surprisingly good job of filling the gut and hunger doesn’t creep back in until midday . The hunger pains don’t subside through the rest of the day , they’re always there . Food , fuck that’s all I think about , all day long .

The cleanse finishes today and thank Christ .We added protein in the last 2 days and I’ve gotta say I feel really good and have lost a bit I reckon . There are things that comes with this though . You shit well ,always green and fibrous and not much smell , and you empty right out . This is what helps you feel light . You drink a lot and feel thirsty , drinking more fluid is what dissipated the headache . The food deprivation was torture , and I can honestly say I thought about it all day . Also the loss of concentration , the cloudiness combined with an intense headache was fucking horrible in the 1st three days .Not drinking killed me , especially when you look in my fridge

The poor little babies get a weeks reprieve .

It’s over now , but now it’s time to try Keto . No bread , no starch , low carbs and with fat replacing sugar , at least that’s how I see it . No matter the diet I’ll be drinking next weekend . Don’t worry I’ll bore you with a report on the Keto later in the week . Until then ……keep eating .