I get outta the car and stretch the back . This is odd . I can see it’s familiar but it’s the scent that rushes in that brings a smile . ” How’s that smell . What is that ? ” , I yell . I can hear birds ,branches ruffling in the wind and small twigs and nuts hitting the ground .Behind me , a row of flowering gum trees throwing out a pungent sweet smell of Australiana . The little things you take for granted in Australia are appreciated in an endearing light in LA.

Emma has driven 40 minutes north along the coast , just passing Santa Monica and veering in up Sunset Boulevard. Who would’ve known that at the bottom of this iconic boulevard would be a turn off that would take us to a park that has been the closest thing to Australia I’ve yet seen in the US . Will Rogers Park .We are here to meet Emmas work mates for a leisurely hike . Luckily I brought our little friend , the Aussie rules footy . On the other side of the gum trees was a fenced off field . “Holy shit , this is made for football .”, I say to Leroy . Shit , I’m already daydreaming of the glory days playing up at the potato chip on RedHill . I’m pep talking Leroy , pretending we are about to run out at our local football ground , through the gum trees , passing the waft of meat pies and VB all the while huddling up as we talk our way up into a frenzy about smashing this other mob . …… “Howie , what are you doing ? We are here to find our friends . We are going for a hike aren’t we ? ” , Emma yells . “Ok , darl ” … that snapped me back to reality . Leroy loves it when I pretend we are about to head down the race to play football .

This place is a large green space south of Malibu ,just off the edge of a joint called Pacific Palisades , opposite Brentwood . They’re probably names you’ve heard before . Will Rogers was Hollywoods biggest star in the 30s . He owned this magnificent property in the coastal hills out the back of Hollywood .Formerly a ranch it is now a public park containing a homestead, horse paddocks , barns , polo fields and numerous walking trails through the hills of Topanga State Park.I always look across at the Malibu hills and wonder what trails are up there , but I didn’t know a park that connects to those hills could be stuffed so close to the rat race of LA . We caught up with Steffanie , Mark , Frank and Anne and headed up one of the shorter trails . The views were surprising From LA in the distance , to snow capped mountains . Yes , you can see snow from the coast of LA . I bet you never envisaged that in Australia. It’s a relief to find green space , trees and tracks . To have a vista with mountains and not concrete . Dirt tracks through coastal scrub and the subtle smell of ocean salt with rushes of pungent eucalyptus . It’s been tough living here through Christmas and New Years , but this park brings a smile to my face and almost a tear to my eye . Will Rogers Park …….. We’ve gotta get back there

Day trips have been few and far between . It’s not like living on the Mornington Peninsula where a short drive will have you at various wineries , tree lined tracks and unspoilt ocean beaches . It’s taken awhile to find things , we know there’s more to come but it takes more effort and planning . When Tim Allen came here I took him for a drive to Palos Verdes . It was Tim’s unfiltered inquisitiveness that helped us discover ” Sunken City “. His ability to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger led us to this little gem . It’s an Australian strength to engage with others without invite . It’s only after living here for a while that this trait starts to erode . Even myself , someone who I always categorised as on the shy side would ask questions of complete strangers . It’s after living here for 20 months you realise that people don’t talk to people they don’t know . It takes time .

After talking to an old war veteran at Point Fermin Park we discovered at his insistence that on the hill behind us exists an underground Nike . He tells us that few people know that an underground missile launcher is hidden in the hillside of San Pedro . He swears on his life that he has seen it rise out of the green grass with giant missile pointed to the Pacific Ocean .He tells us he saw it in the early 60s . Wether it’s still there who knows but I believed him . He also points us to a broken fence line that struts out onto open cliff face . If we trespass the fence line we will find ‘Sunken City ‘. It doesn’t take long before Tim and I are under the fence and in an area closed off to the public . It’s here housing and structures slipped into the sea in 1929 . It’s deemed unstable and closed off to the public but it hasn’t stopped kids from adding graffiti over the old deteriorated concrete buildings . The graffiti has made this a cool modern art location sitting on cliffs at the foot of Long Beach . The irony is that this prohibited area is now a tourist location and authorities seem to turn a blind eye to the many who come down here to take photographs and add graffiti. Days later Tim , Emma , myself and Leroy had to come back to capture some pictures . It’s a pretty cool little discovery .

You learn from your mistakes. Last time in Palm Springs we were there for July 4 weekend . We had a great time but the heat was brutal, the temperature never dropping below 40 Celsius during the day . Palm Springs is a 2 hour drive in land from Hermosa Beach . This time we are here for only a couple days over Christmas . I still think it’s a weird location .Its essentially a valley wedged between two mountain ranges . A desert floor , that has been transformed into palm tree lined streets , green nature strips , lush golf courses and massive hotel resorts . Palm Springs sits at the foot of Mount San Jacinto . The mountain backdrop and the surrounding desert mountain ranges supply an almost lunar feel . You shake your head an ask why here ? The answer must be that view . One thing you can’t deny is American ingenuity , they make things happen .Emma has us in the JW Marriott hotel . It has the lot ; golf course , mini put on real grass , a surrounding lake and moat with boat tours around the resort , exotic birds , pools , restaurants, bars and shops . We’ve only really got 1 day to check things out . Last year we road the cable car to the top of Mount San Jacinto , I’m keen to add some more adventures. I’ve got all sorts of plans .1st , Joshua Tree . 2nd , The Sultan Sea , 3rd Desert Springs and throw in Coachella and the main drag of Palm Springs . Woahhh , hold up Howie . We’ve got violins in the backseat whining out a torrent of complaints . Ahhhhhh , fuck it . Let’s go the easy option and head to 1000 palms . Only 15 minutes of driving has us there , and it turns out to be well worth it . A beautiful oasis tucked into the desert floor . A real gem of a find and great little walk . An added bonus is that this place sits just meters away from the San Andreas fault line . We drove over it , to get here .This next picture shows the raised ridge that follows the fault line .Next we decide to head to Coachella . You know that place that has that famous music festival ? Once there we soon decide that is all it has going for it . Think Morewell in the desert but uglier .We don’t stop and head to the main strip of Palm Springs .I regret not getting to Joshua tree , but’s it nearly a full day activity . The kids whinging wasn’t worth the pain . From what we’ve been told the walk we did at 1000 Palms is a snapshot of what we’d see at Joshua Tree . For now it stays on the bucket list .

Palm Springs, has a heap of its roads named after the great stars of the past like Bob Hope , Gene Autry , Frank Sinatra and a host of others . The main strip has that old world feel , lined with cafes, souvenir shops and top end fashion and jewellery stores. We had lunch and enjoyed the people watching. One of the great sports in Palm Springs .Yes that’s a pink dog and it sums up the vibe of Palm Springs perfectly . The pink panther meets designer dog . Just 2 hours from home , it’s worth a look .

Got up early . The wind , you can hear it . Leroy ended up in our bed at 1am , shaken up by the sounds . It’s rare , but Christmas away has that extra chill this time . I sit on the couch and wait in the dark . Weird . Just the flickering of our Christmas tree lights . Shit we are all alone . It’s 5am and it’ll be until 7am before anyone else surfaces .

Emma in all her industriousness is an effervescent force. She has us on the road to the Marriott hotel by 11am . There’ll be no moping here . Presents , a gourmet breakfast and then it’s out to the most glamorous cool spot in the desert , Palm Springs. It’s called treat yourself and keep busy , that way you don’t get caught up in sentimentality. It’s not long before we are in the JW Marriott ( I told you Emma doesn’t do it by half ) and are seated for the Christmas lunch buffet . And ….. what a buffet . Prawns , oysters , sushi , crab and a host of seafood delicacies. Champaign complementary, had Emma and I giving the nod to the wait staff real quick . ” Hey champ top me up ” . Turkey , sirloin steak , quail and a shit load of other wholesome treats had me declaring this the best buffet yet . A big fucken call , as we’ve had our fair share . There were Aussie accents too , but I was I embarrassed as I’d underestimated the occasion and only dressed in boardies and t shirt . They were looking sharp , me ….. ahhhh , not so . I’d normally have introduced myself , but even I got a little insecure . A moment lost . . I feel a real guilt , when I let an Aussie slide by without saying hello . Emma shook her head and said , ” you’re an embarrassment “. Everyone else was in a collar and dress . Shit , I might I’ve got this one wrong . .

Christmas Day ,we weren’t alone . The Marriott was packed with families doing the same thing as us , even some Aussies.Wouldn’t you know it ? Even got to watch Benny Simonds and Aaron Baines doin it Chrissy day .

We’ve known for a long way out that this would be the 1st Christmas spent in LA . It’s crept up quietly . Cool still days , short nights and the beginning of winter .It doesn’t feel as celebratory, we are at the mid point in the year . Most have a 10 day to 2 week break but there lacks that end of year comradery that exists in Melbourne. The season and weather has a definite influence but it’s more than that . I’m still surprised at the lack of get togethers and pre Christmas drinks that you take for granted in Australia . In Hermosa there are few families that have the space to throw a party . We look at our place and think about it , but it’s not the greatest setup for having kids run around whilst parents squeeze in the front room . Parks could be good but it’s dark and cold . No matter how much we hear about the close little community in Hermosa Beach it doesn’t ring true . Yeah everyone is nice , we have developed friends but there still lacks events , activities or moments where we get to catch up and shoot the breeze over a few coldies . The area is populated by a large group of expats both internationally and throughout the US . A lot of family’s will have quiet days just to themselves as the price and weary travel keeps them in the bubble . Each family isolated from their extended lineage , content to do it solo . It’s just a little bit sad , not too much , as some seem happy to avoid the arduous task of eating , travelling and drinking all day . Locals are hard to find and predictably this creates a community full of families with few connections and long term friends . It should be an excuse to party up and come together , but not here . Maybe it is an Australian thing , we like to get to know your story . I know it sounds intrusive but it’s a method of putting to bed rumors and questions and getting on with talking about the footy , school or whatever else takes your fancy . There has been gatherings at the park that our good neighbour Bill has invited us to and our good old mates ( sounds weird but NewYorkers and east coasters have a realness that is easy to tap into ) Megan and Ben have had us over . I’m just us much to blame as I’ve fallen into that same vibe of let’s keep it quiet and stick to ourselves that permeates through this coastal town . If it comes to this next year ,I’m not standing for it , as fuck it the locals are gonna have to cope with friends and kids stirring up their quiet little neighbourhood. There’ll be a party next Christmas………. I’m gonna have to call it .

Merry Christmas, this is when you miss Home .

Who else ? The very 1st person we met in LA . What are the odds that in our 1st shopping trip to Target 2 days after moving here we run into another Aussie . Emma has stayed in contact with Maddy ever since . Saturday night was our 2nd night at their place . Madeline and Damien have two kids ; the oldest Xavier is an elite runner currently studying at Berkeley and Camille is a year older than Tex . Camille is at Mira Costa high school, Texs next school destination . We actually only live a couple of kms apart . One thing we’ve noticed about Maddy and Damo is they don’t do things by half . Check out their digs . Emma and I thought it hysterical. Once inside with a few drinks down it was good to talk to people with experience on living here and bringing kids through the school system in the SouthBay . The problems and pitfalls that we currently face with Tex have also been experienced by Maddie , Damo and some of their friends who were also there for drinks . We got to see Damos food smoker in action as he smoked cheese in a very bong like device , hilarious .Damo is one of the top dogs at Breville and has all the gadgets . Later I got the privilege to head out for a drive in a Tesla owned by another Aussie .Joe and Eliza are from Sydney and have lived here for 16 years . Joes a cool cat , and a good bloke . I know he has worked in the Hollywood movie industry and the company he works for is now heavily involved with a new super stadium being built for the Rams and and the Chargers . He took us for a spin around the block in his new toy. Joe loves his new car after stepping up from a mini , and it’s not hard to see why .These things are like space ships . After turning out of Damos quiet street, Joe floors the Tesla to 85 Miles ( 130ks )per hour in a couple of seconds and then backs it off to a silent stop in under 400m . These vehicles are crazy and this is a snap shot to the future . High tech , silent ,breathtakingly quick and highly efficient. When Damo jumped in he had this thing weaving through traffic at warp speed , buzzing through a light at close to red and then disappearing into the night . I’d back us in a police pursuit , you’re not catching one of these without a helicopter. They asked me if I’d like to take it for a spin ? I declined , 4 beers in I’m not gonna be the one that crashes someone’s brand new Tesla . Joe tells me that it’s guaranteed for 5 years with only 2 services required . An IPad is the dashboard and 500 thousand to one million miles comfortably expected in its lifespan. He expects it to last his lifetime as his car . When we got back to Damos I couldn’t get out .There was no door handle , just a small touch sensor that I couldn’t find in the dark . I felt like a baby as Camille opened the door for me . There were a few people at Damo and Maddys we got to know , but who were the last ones still drinking Baileys at 1am ? You guessed it ,the 3 Aussie couples . Christmas drinks ….who else would we have our 1st Chrissy catch up with ? Thx to Damo and Maddy, and a special mention to Joe and Eliza . Hows the fake snow , that’s Maddie in the middle .

Look at the stars ! They told you , take a chance you soft cock . You can’t always play it safe and hang out the front . Yep that little man in the back of the head is saying it again . Yeah we’l see . That’s my normal reply . They’ve made big predictions before and it hasn’t lived up to the hype . Tomorrow will tell …….. 4am I’m awake needing a pee and I can hear it . Shit , let’s see what 1st light brings Take the kids to school and get over there . Man up big boy . It’s big , real big , too big for the Southbay and nearly all of LA . I’l go for a drive only . Nah big boy put the board in the car and go over there . Whaddya got to lose ? I drive up to Redondo Beach and decide it’ll do but once again the little voice says nah , keep driving . And I do . I turn up to Palos Verdes and take the 1st right . Since I’ve got here I’ve wanted to explore the heap of little off shoot roads around the coast , but haven’t . I’ve been too content to play it safe . Lost confidence ; the culture shock of living in the LA jungle and it’s rolling maul of traffic at every turn has paralysed my sense of adventure . I head down a short winding road and that’s when I see it . The grandstand, the crowd , punters ,but not a man made grandstand a natural amphitheatre . Haggertys .. I’ve found it for the 2nd time but this time by car , There’s at least 300 cars in the car park and 70 to 80 people spread along the cliff edge. This is where the Southbay ends and the cliffs of Palos Verdes jut out into the bay . For months ive been watching tiny little white balls run along the cliff edge . Now I can see what they are .I stare and watch for 40 minutes but even the little voice says nah , too crowded . As I leave I look over my shoulder , I feel a tinge of guilt . I get in the car and drive along the coastal road a further km and pull up behind a heap of cars . I’m up high now , the view down reveals a large horse shoe shaped bay that looks a lot like some of the rugged Victorian coastline from Australia I stare and contemplate going out there but I’m kidding myself . Nah I’m playing it safe and heading back to the small protected beach breaks of Redondo Beach . As I head to the car I notice two guys getting changed that I’ve seen before . ” Ya getn out there boys ” , I enquire . ” yeah sure are , it’s gonna be fun and big , you coming out” they reply . They’re Hermosa guys and not exactly what I’d call accomplished surfers .”Hhhhm dunno” ,I reply . We nod to each other and I wish them the best . I get in the car , ready to turn back home … but . Nah big boy , if they can do it surely you can ,you’ve got these guys covered . Shit ….. I’m suiting up . I’m a bit nervous , but once the wetsuit goes on there’s no turning back .It’s a long track down and I’m almost on my way when I realise I need to prepare better . Every guy walking back has shoes or booties on . I notice each guy has that stare . Hmmm is it satisfaction or exhaustion . The little voice in my head laughs and says …get ready big boy , bring your A game . I go back and grab my runners and then descend down the track , at the bottom the bay is all rock . It’s a fair walk down . I can see guys out but I’m wondering where are all the guys who’d just left before me were at . Once I got to the bottom I saw them all gazing out in their wetsuits . There’d be a dozen of them but no one making a move . I look along the headland and spot a couple of guys on a left hander ( known as Indicators ) hugging the cliff face . I like it but it seems a long way to walk along jagged rocks . I’m doing it . I walk around the the 1st point but I realise I’ve got a fair trek ahead …… Hey big boy you haven’t thought this through . If you get around there , how are you gonna navigate your way back in to grab your shoes ? Fuck , I turn back and head back to the Cove where the other guys were . They’re all still there waiting for a sign to paddle out . The shoreline stinks of rotten seaweed and is littered with rubbish that has been swept in by the big swell . Hmmmm , forgot my ear plugs , hope it doesn’t come back to bite me . If you look at this picture above you’ll see a concrete outlet drain , just to the left of this is where I hide my sneakers and paddle out , big mistake .I lead the way , sliding out pretty quick at 1st , as I used the rip along the reef edge to drag me out . I look over and a heap of others are paddling from the other side of the cove . Hey big boy you’ve fucked this up . A huge set comes in and pounds me dangerously close to the exposed rocks . I fight for the next 15 minutes to get out , at one point debating wether to quit . One problem . I’d have to ride my board back into to the rocks and risk life and limb to get in . Eventually I get out . This picture above gives no indication of the size or the power ,but trust me it was heavy . Hey big boy ; no booties ,no ear plugs and a short hybrid board . You won’t do that again , will you ? For the next two hours I scrambled repeatedly to avoid copping an absolute hiding from sets that regularly hit the 8 feet mark . I did manage to catch 2 waves . Yes , just two waves . One probably as big as I’ve ever caught , but the board was barely able to keep traction on turning and when I got around a large section I had to exit for my life . This wave is generally known as a soft wave , often surfed by long boarders but today it’s different . The swell kept on lifting . By the time I decided to get in it took me 15 minutes navigating the reef (known as boneyards , and for good reason) .

By the time I get to the car I’m shattered and pretty shaken up . I copped a couple of awful beatings , was held down for what seemed 20 seconds and caught one pretty large wave before bailing . I’ll be back , but this time I’ll be better prepared

That night I took Leroy back to show him my war story ?In this picture below you’ll see the headland and the waves breaking along it . This is upper and lower Indicators . I later learned that the waves where I initially wanted to head to were regularly breaking at 10 feet plus on the outside . There is a rugged cliff descent that gets guys down there and its known as a fiercely territorial spot . ps , I think I’ve got an ear infection

“Drive through it is then , dirty ole Macca’s , ……. ” Yep , i’l have the eggn bacon muffin thanks , and i”l get it in a meal as well I think . Plus i’l throw a chocolate Frappuccino on top of that “. Mistake number 1 as an Aussie … too many words in a row . “Excuse me sir ? She replies in a confused tone . …………… “Can I pleeese ……. have the ….. egg and bacon muffin in the meal … deeee…al . ” What drink would you like sir ?” “Coffee , please” “Creama and sugar sir ” yes please 1 sugar and creama … Silence . She didn’t understand the last bit of the coffee order and I still haven’t ordered Leroy’s chocolate Frappuccino . ” Excuse me sir , do you want sugar and creama ? “. ” Ahhh yes throw a sugar and some creama in the coffee .” Mistake number 2 …. keep it simple stupid , no extra words like throw and seperate the sugar order from the creama . Eventually we’re happy with the order and she tells me it’s cash only today . That explains why this McDonalds has no queues at 9am on a Saturday . Anyone who really knows me knows I don’t do queues and it’s the only reason I succumbed to Leroys request for McDonald’s breakfast. “Ok , only cashola then . “. ……..”Excuse me sir ?” ” “Don’t worry I’m carrying coin it’s all good .” Leroy is looking at me and reaching over to put his hand in front of my mouth whilst I start to laugh . There’s silence and I know she hasn’t got s clue what I said . I drive around to the window instead of explaining further . In the confusion the poor girl has forgotten the coffee . “Ya can’t have brekkie without a coffee and young pup ( Leroy ) here needs his choccy Frappuccino. Isn’t that right young pup” I explain in my best Steve Irwin style voice . Leroy is mortified. The young girl is frozen , unblinking with both eyebrows raised . Eventually we seal the deal . “See Leroy , ya old man knows how to get things done .” I say this loud enough to be heard by the young girl as I drive off . ” Sooooo embarrassing dad! ” , Leroy says . “Hey , I’m speakn English young pup ” , I say . Leroy’s shaking his head . Same thing happened last night at my favourite haunt , the heated food counter and the hot chicken Bay Marie . “Yeah mate give us the hot 8 mango habanero chicken buddy . ” The little Hispanic guy rocks back with one eyebrow raised . I’ve had him going before in the past and this time it’s round 2 . ” Sir what you want ?” ” The chicken mate , the habanero buddy . “. He looks over at his fellow staff member and at the woman behind us . She’s got a smile on her face . “You want chicken , which one ?” I point to the chicken with the mango habanero marinate ( chicken has been ordinary here , but this is the best bbq style I’ve found ) . “Sir , these are not on special tonight , it’s only the fried “. ” Ya Jokn champ ? , doesn’t matter i’l take em anyway . ” He looks at me and then turns his head both ways . He’s confused . ” So sir do you want anything ? “. ” Yeah mate , the spicy bbq chicken .” There’s only one spicy bbq chicken and it’s the mango habanero. Poor fuckas starting to loose his patience now . ” Sir I don’t know what you want “. I slow it down , point nod and get it through to him . Leroy is pulling me by the shirt when I ask him a question ” Mate , can ya sub a couple of the spicy ones out and chuck a couple of the finger lickn good ones in ( deep fried Kentucky style ) .” The older blonde woman next to me is chuckling . Me ole mate across the bay Marie has no idea .” He stands back with both hands at his side and all 4ft 11 of him is starting to get pissed . “Maaate , any chance you can substitute two pieces of fried chicken in for the spicy bbq , as my little friend here ( Leroy ) has decided he’d prefer those . “. It takes a second to click in that Leroy isn’t my friend but my son . I’m nodding with a big smile and Leroy is shaking his head pulling me away and telling me that he’l eat the spicy chicken anyway . Eventually it’s over and I walk off as happy as Larry . Mission accomplished , i’l laugh when I think back whilst on the couch as I get my 1st beer down later. Even Emma gets stopped occasionally to repeat herself and as an Aussie over here it’s something that you expect to deal with , however frustrating. Early days I got pretty tired of it but now I milk it and enjoy the ride . this beer is pretty apt , cheers. PS We are about to go over to a group of Aussies for Chrissy drinks Oi Oi Oi

It’s been an odd week . The heater has gone on . The days start cold and end cold . It’s got quiet . I can’t remember it being like this last year . I think we had one eye on the ball back then , for we knew we were flying back home for Christmas and summer . This time around we are submersed and accepting of Hermosa Beach in winter . This whole Fall ( yes , I know it’s Autumn ) has been noticeably cooler than last year and that’s acknowledging that we’ve acclimated ( yep it’s acclimatised but America have got hold of another Oxford old favourite and bastardised it ) . The surf has been markedly better . In fact there was no surf this time last year . This year ? Almost everyday , at least for the last 6 weeks . It’s been the stillness that’s been most captivating . Eerie, no wind , no afternoon sea breezes , breathtaking in its beauty . 430 sunsets , not something you’d ever associate with LA . When your in our little patch you could swear you were somewhere else . This isn’t LA , it’s the ” Bubble ”

“Cmon Troy , please . I need your help just this once . They won’t let me in and I need to drop some stuff off ” . “Yeah ok , I’l see what I can do “. Monday morning , it all starts good . A 40 minute work out on the back deck for the 1st time in 3 weeks , after a holiday wedged either side by nagging colds . The swell is predicted to rise midday into the next couple of days , with clean glass and good tides . A cup of tea and homework and progress is being made . If I can stay patient and get out into the water at 11am on the back of high tide , it should be a seamless start to the new week . Rddding , Rdding …. the phone starts . It can only be one person … ole mate . He’s onto me . I ignore it , but he rings twice over the next 5 minutes . I pick up my phone and read his message . What are you doing ? You reading ? Remember you were gonna take me to the hospital in Torrance ( think Frankston) . He stalks me and obviously is watching me through the vantage point in his 2nd story apartment. Now I can hear him yelling out , “Troy , Troy , Troy ! “His voice is like a fucking fog horn . Ohhh fuck , what the fuck do you want you old c*+t ? The phone rings again , he can see me looking at it so I relent and answer the phone . “What’s up ginge ? , I ask.” “Troy can you please take me to Torrance medical centre .” “Why can’t you fucken drive yourself you useless c ^*t “, I reply . I told you ! I’m not allowed in there and I have no gas .” “Why ? “I reply . “I’l tell you on the way . It will only take 45 minutes , the round trip .” “All right , you’ve got 5 minutes to be ready and no fucking around “. Sure enough , I’m waiting with car running yelling at him to hurry up . “But the dogs “, he pleads . He wants to walk them 1st . “Fuck the dogs and get in . ” “All right but 1st we need to got to the traffic court. ” “What the fuck are you talking about ?You said hospital . Na no deal . ” “But it’ll only take a few mi…, ” “Na no way . You said hospital. “‘”I wanted to go to the courthouse on the way “, he pleads. “You’re fucked , you can’t stick to a simple request without ringing every drop out of the lemon . ” ” Ha .. ?” “Never mind . So why are you banned ? “I ask. “They wanted me to pay $25 and I told them I didn’t have to as I’ve got special financial hardship grounds that I’m entitled to under my insurance . They said Kaiser ( private hospital)doesn’t accept these requests . Plus she was a young black girl and if you know what attitude young black girls have in this country and you’l understand my anger . “I laughed and said “oh bullshit Marcus , you would’ve been your usual rude self . ” “Oh bullshit Troy you weren’t there , you don’t understand this country . ” Marcus ended up complaining to her manager who took her side . End result ,he’s banned and was escorted out by security for being obnoxious. . I drove up to the front and he insists I park in the emergency vehicle area . I’m laughing , “are you fucking serious ? No wonder you attract trouble .” “I’ve got a disabled sign I’m entitled to ” “. No your not , you are supposed to park in the blue disabled spots and that’s what we’l do .” “Fuck Troy your a goody two shoes .” “No mate , I’m not a stupid fuck asking for trouble . What am I getting ?”, I ask . “No , you’re taking samples in . ” “Do you mean I’m taking in your dirty shit samples . ” “Yes , I think I’ve got something wrong , it might be my prostate . “With any luck it will be cancer “, I reply . “Fuck you’re a cruel prick , Troy . “He looks really hurt . I start laughing . I get in there and drop the samples in , they are in an old brown paper bag . The lab guy proceeds to take the containers out to hold them up to the light . “Do you have to mate “, I say . He looks at me but struggles to comprehend the accent . “Ahh sir this 4 th sample needed to be accompanied with ice and can be no longer than 2 hours old “, I’m shaking my head . At the same time Marcus is ringing me as I’ve been patiently proceeding like any normal person . I know right now he would be kicking up a fuss and asking for some manager . I get back to the car and he’s out in the car park trying to kick the Aussie rules ball around that he found on the backseat . Only thing is he’s got his dog off the lead , cars are waiting patiently as he tries to control the rolling ball before it goes under a parked car . “I’m pretty good at this Troy , reckon I would’ve been a pro . You know I was an athlete , don’t you ?”He tells me everyday . “Oh yeah sure youre good , just get you’re dog run over whilst you look like a fuckn nufty with a yellow ball in a busy hospital car park ” . “What took you so long ? I won’t wait , I just ask for a manager . I pay my fucking insurance , so they can do their fucking job ” . “And that works well ?. You have to come back Mate , this time with a fresh shit on ice , under 2 hours old . ” He went into a rage , but I cut him off and told him he fucked up because he doesn’t listen to anyone but himself . He begs me to take him to court as it’s only 1km away . I take him .He can’t get his papers signed but he tells me he has a fresh sample and that we can go back to the hospital. “Are you fuckn shitn me ? “I look incredulously. I drop the fresh turd on ice back at the hospital and we are finally off home . “Hey Troy , can we drop into Redondo police station on the way home so as I can get a code number for my fines and the post office if you don’t mind ?. ” Are you fucking kidding me , do you want me to pick up your son from downtown , on the way back pick up your groceries and file your various court papers and cook you dinner as well?” “Fuck Troy , why do you have to be so mean ?” “Mate ….. it’s been 2 hours and counting.” I drop him off and get him home . It’s 1230 , the wind has turned onshore , but I rush off . He’s begging me to wait for him as he wants to come down and watch (judge) me surf . He does watch .. sort of . I catch one good wave and perform as well as I can , finishing right in front of him . I look up and what’s ole mate doing ? Looking down at his phone . He later critiques me …… “fuck mate you didn’t even see my best wave , by the time I get here it’s onshore and trash and I’ve then got to listen to your voice after this morning ?………”Are we gonna have lunch now , Troy ” ( code for can you buy or make me lunch ) Nah mate , got shit to do …………. please come back Tim Allen. PS he wants TA to send Bowie’s son over to try out , and asks Tim if he knows any drug addicts he can mail some gear to in exchange for 4 grand . ….. check this sunset later that evening