Well y’all , it’s been a big 24 hours of travel . We are finally in the Lone Star state . We left the gators behind in the bayou , dropping by at the home of that very spicy sauce , the Tabasco factory . The drive out of Louisiana and into Texas was interesting …for a while . Actually the country side is a lot like Crib Point / Hastings but only it stays like this for 200 kilometres . Once over the border ,the country side subtlety changes into a slightly less treed environment and into a heavily industrialised expanse of harsh water ways . No photos were taken of this area , especially as I was driving , but I can’t blame Emma for not getting the phone out . The further west we move the more refineries , chimneys ,smelters and factories appear in the paddocks .Its Texas tea country out here .Oil , you can see its effect on what was once probably quiet cattle country . We cross over Lake Charles , we are excited to see something other than the very flat endless surrounds . We both thought we heard it was nice ,but it can’t be this Lake Charles . It was heavily stripped of greenery and dominated by big industry . Slowly but surely the further we travel the flat landscape becomes littered with large freight warehouses , farming supplies and then the the familiar beige rendered Walmart’s , supermarkets and fast food outlets . Finally with only 28 miles until our destination , Houston becomes visible in the horizon . The closer we get the more it looks like we are approaching Melbourne from the west on the Geelong freeway . Unfortunately we arrive at our hotel on dark and have no time to explore Houston . What I can see in the dark from Hotel ZaZa in the museum district is a clean , green modern city . We are surrounded by hospitals and realestate that looks very similar to South Yarra / East Melbourne .

Lyndon Johnstone Space Centre , NASA. Yep the famous “Houston ,we have a problem “ , NASA. This is geek heaven ,. In fact they had a school expo on showcasing kids inventions for future missions . Trench coats , black frame seeing classes , pants pulled up high and poorly fitted old floral dresses everywhere . Poindexters by the hundred , shit I wish I could have half of their IQ . Ah well , whilst the kids run through this extremely interesting place I google breweries that might be on the way to San Antonio . No honestly , this is a must see place if your ever forced to go to Houston .

The drive to San Antonio is once again very flat , The roads are good , at one stage the freeway leaving Houston stretches to 9 lanes across one way and is littered with multiple overpasses . The roads , nature strips and surrounds are clean and well kept , nothing like LA .The drivers are disciplined as well , very few speed ,but they are harder nosed , Not too many are interested in letting you in . It tells me that the rules are in forced here . We see see several state troopers sitting on roadsides with speed guns , something I’ve not seen in California yet in nearly 3 years . We are still shocked to see on a mobile sign that Texas’s road toll to date this year is already an incredible 387!

It’s flat green country side between Houston and San Antonio , about a 2 hour drive at 120k per hour . I love the Texas speed limits , 75 miles per hour . Shit did I say 387 road deaths ? Never mind . Where can you stop off and have a steak in an old country restaurant/ saloon and have a ribeye for $14 , Yep good ole Texas , with old dudes in cowboy hats inside to let you know it’s authentic . There’s no need for dinner tonight , I’m still full writing this at 9 pm , 7 hours later . It’s a shame really because San Antonio turns out to be beautiful ,with a ton of eateries .

San Antonio ,the site of the famous Alamo . Our hotel, Homewood suites by Hilton sits on the river front and it’s a real surprise how pretty this spot is . All the way in I was not impressed ,it’s typical flat ,farm /industry Texas . It’s not until we break through the relentless drizzly cold conditions that have met us everyday that San Antonio shows . It’s a very big country town / city , maybe a bit bigger than Shepparton or a Geelong . It’s not until we get out of our city centre hotel at dusk and take a walk that we realise what a cool little spot this is .A beautiful canal / river with paved walkways , manicured gardens , restaurants , sculptures and bars course their way through the middle of town . With old brick buildings , cathedrals ,ferry lights at night and the hum of sight seeing tourist boats , San Antonio’s river front looks like a like ferry tail , but alas we are spent and can’t muster the kids or ourselves to sit down at one these cool waterfront cafes , especially considering that our hotel has happy hour of free drinks from 5-7 . Maybe tomorrow, maybe not ,but one things for sure San Antonio is not just about the SanAntonio Spurs and our boy Patty Mills , there’s a very cool inner city precinct that’s well worth a weekend away . Tomorrow Austin .

“Where we going ? “ “ A skate park . I’m sooking bad . I don’t want to be coming to New Orleans to see a unique and different part of the world to end up at a skatepark. I had designs on doing a haunted cemetery tour or some vampire ghost thing , I guess we’ll go skating instead . I am reminded by Emma that it is only fair the kids get to have fun too . “Geezus , do they have to ?” Before you know it we are in a Uber on our way to a place known as Parasite . It doesn’t take long after leaving the city centre that we descend into the burbs . It’s real out here , lower class , old weatherboards with veranders , stripped down cars on nature strips and front lawns , decaying roads with little bother in keeping things beautified . The Uber drops us off at an overpass . “ Shit , I think you should’ve dropped into the gun shop first “ I suggest to the Uber driver . She looks back with eyebrows raised and chuckles . It’s a cool steely grey day that adds to the foreboding feel of the place . Fuck we might get our haunting here anyway. I’m grinning to myself now .Ahh ,this will work in my favour. Emma will surely want to leave in 5 minutes . Parasite is a skate park put together in bits and pieces under an overpass with the help of rapper Lil Wayne . This is a place that looks straight out of the set of the movie The Warriors . It’s eerie. The echoey sound of trucks and cars reverberates constantly . The skatepark is actually a partly home made mashup of different ramps , jumps , props and concrete that is broken up beneath the shadows of an old concrete overpass . The kids love it .

After a quick hour we catch an Uber outta there , but I admit I enjoyed being there . Parasite is a great name for this place . It’s grimy , hardcore and not the place too many people from the Southbay of LA would ever expect to see . There’s no lift tickets here .

Now we go where I want to go ..Bloody Marys haunted house .

$38 and 15 minutes later we are outta there . We did have an app on the phone that apparently has an hour of content but we ain’t got the patients for it and forgo the self guided tour to instead pop our head int each room . I thought it pretty lame . I’m guessing my sulking about doing my thing back fired , but I wasn’t about to admit it , not until later after a few beers .

It turns out we should’ve listened to the app as there was a gruesome murder committed upstairs but we thought the props were pretty funny and took the ignorant route instead .

There’s not much we don’t squeeze in in our time here . Later Emma gets her taro read , whilst I get my palm read . $20 handed over and she finished in 30 seconds . That’s another loss ….Emma was much more content with her reading

It’s an eclectic city , we only just touched the edges , but we had a crack .We ate at a new age 3 level restaurant , ate in a brewery , ate Cajun , ate creole , ate gator , ate Poboy , ate jambalaya , ate gumbo , ate catfish , ate shrimp by the shitload ,ate on a steam boat , ate in an old world building , ate at cafe beignet and ate and ate and ole my god am I fucking bloated .

Today swamp touring …..We ate’m yesterday , now let’s see what a real gator looks like

Fucking awesome . Ole Arthur was a legend , right outta Swamp people with his heavy southern swamp accent and his many stories

Tonight we rest in Houston , Texas . Louisiana delivered .

The mighty Mississippi is visible from our hotel window. It’s not called mighty for nothing , it’s huge . It’s bleak down there , cold ,drizzly and not the most inauspicious start to our day . It doesn’t stay that way . The foreshore could be prettier, there’s a lot of industry in the way . The potential for a world class water front is obvious to any traveller but I guess that is the charm of New Orleans , it’s like going back in time .

The two hour difference in time ( Louisiana is 2 hours ahead of California) ,plus a busy day travelling sees us get out of hotel just after 11am . We get breakfast at the most touristy joint , it delivers , only just . From here we enter into the French Quarter , I don’t want to be anywhere else right now …… but there’s a problem ….

New Orleans is not built for kids , this is all adult , all decadence , all the vices ….oh shit , I love this stuff . Make no mistake, you’ll regret coming here with your under 21s ….don’t do it . New Orleans is super cool ,an ‘AA ‘anti theme , a sober straight loving nightmare , god bless it’s soul , and by god has it plenty of soul ? You’ll never want to go to Vegas again after visiting ‘The Big Easy ‘ . The place oozes charisma , old world charm , class , history , grime , desperation and sweat . This place has seen some stuff and they’re proud of it . Emma and I can see it ; Louisianans love their city , they’re proud , they’ve got an identity, it’s what totally separates them from Californians

The parades are starting , we’re lucky to be here at this time .Mardi Gras starts next week , but for a few weekends leading into the big event their are lead in parades to set the appetite . We got lucky . We wonder into the French Quarter . This place is late 1800s – 1950s . The streets are made for horse and carts , there’s overhead balcony’s , eclectic shops selling the occult , cigar factory’s , Cajun restaurants and bars aplenty . There’s no outrageous prices on everything that you’d find in Vegas , this joint is unashamedly lower class and I love that shit . 32oz Daiquiris for $11 in styrofoam cups to take away . 3 for 1happy hours , strip clubs , Irish bars , gay bars , everything bars and nearly all with live music ……… fuck it , I might move here . We camp on a corner and suck on our daiquiri whilst the Barkus parade passes by . The punters are dressed up in almost everything , no one cares what you look like , it’s total revelry .This is a parade for dogs , no shit . It’s hilarious , where else are you gonna see this type of thing ? Just when you want to loosen up ,the handbrake grinds down your spirit : the kids . They’re bored , they want to get back to the hotel room to get on their devices . What the fuck have we done to our next generation ?What happened to hanging by your parents side whilst they got loose and listened to some tunes .? That’s right , you had no fucking choice but to suck it up … not this lot .

Bourbon Street ; debauchery , say no more . Ok , I’ll let you in on it . Wall to wall bars , music , takeaway / To go drinks , strip clubs , Irish bars , court yard bars , hens party’s , bucks party’s , all ages ( over 21 ) , endless happy hours ,on street edibles . Holy shit, this is no place for kids ……. I thought it was awesome as I was lead away looking over my shoulder with my top lip hanging over my chin . But alas , we head back to our room to get on our devices ……sad .

The food ; Cajun . It’s competitive, that means it’s good and the choice is endless if you don’t love fast food , thankfully that’s harder to find . Looks like the kids are gonna have to sit down and eat something other than Mc Donald’s or pizza .

The vibe ; street art , old world , traditional , Victorian , Deep South , individual , gothic , class , Melbourne in winter , mature , letting the hair down , relaxed with no judgement ……. The Big Easy

To our friends at home and abroad ; this place is a must on your to go to list ,but be warned ….don’t bring the kids .

To Al , Ash and Deb ; you’ve got to change your itinerary for 2022 . Add New Orleans , kids or no kids . Yes I know I said they can’t come but if it means missing out ………….. bring’m anyway .

The usual , get through LAX unscathed . Tick that box . Next , fly American in comfort . Pretty much did that ,but I will say there doesn’t seem much vetting on flight attendants , they can be any shape size and look and not really love their job either . I know it can be a pain in the arse to serve people on shit wages but at least fake you want to be up there .

We land at Lois Armstrong Airport in New Orleans . Once again I’m frustrated by how many people keep their windows closed on our approach , I love to check out our destination from above but I must be in the minority . Obviously I’m on a aisle seat . It’s when we disembark and enter the airport that we are met with an instant change in vibe . It’s airy , clean , calm , modern and theirs a style , a proudness , a coolness that eases the tension straight off your shoulders . I wanted to get my phone out and take photos but I felt like a dick . “Better not , you’ll look like a tourist from “….. yeah we can’t say that anymore .The boys and I hit the restrooms and we cannot believe how spacious , clean and actually how well they have been built . Tex was blown away when his toilet seat automatically placed a cover on the seat before he used it . The airport has been built with an architectural eye for space ,with high ceilings , glass and open shop fronts .Its everything LAX dreams of being .

The taxi trip in the late afternoon was easy ,with open roads ,well built freeways and open space . It wasn’t the prettiest of surrounds , it reminded of old industry ,farm supplies , 70s living with weatherboard houses and old tin roofed factories. The closer we got the worse the traffic . It actually felt like we were passing by Essendon airport under cool grey skies . Our taxi driver warns us that the city is partially closed down with the Mardi Gras celebrations gearing up . He’s right , it would take over an hour and $95 with gratuities added before we get to our hotel .

Finally we close in . There’s anticipation . We can’t see much as dark has descended but what I can see lifts the spirit , This place looks cool .Terraced houses , shopfronts , open bars ,people on balcony’s watching the punters below whilst sipping on a beer ,the sounds of jazz and the distinct wafts of Louisiana soul food drift in to our open taxi window .Its a party out there . Instantly I’m thinking ………. Why , why was I stupid enough to bring the kids ? This looks a place for adults . Tomorrow we’ll find out .

Oh god ,this morning I crave a proper Aussie breakfast .To have a plate with real bacon , round included and for it not to be smoked ,sweetened and sliced razor thin …Please ..I’ll have two poached or fried eggs ,a hash brown or home made rosti ,grilled tomato ,mushrooms,small breakfast sausage ,all sitting on wholemeal or seeded or sourdough toast that is completely unsweetened and with a tangy chutney on the side to mix with my tomato sauce ,plus a proper cappuccino to wash it down ..that’s all . It’s Super Bowl Sunday , it reminds me of Grand final day in Melbourne .I always liked a big brekky on Granny day ,it set you up for a big day on the sauce ( beer ) . The problem with the Super Bowl is that it’s played on Sunday . The Monday after Super Bowl is the largest absentee day for work in the US . Some 17 million pull a sickie the day after Super Bowl . Could we some how shift Martin Luther king day back 2 weeks or bring the Bowl forward ? Cause I can tell you, yesterday’s Super Bowl damn near killed me today . Working as a therapist in a gym with a savage hangover was fucking painful . This has to be fixed .

I was already in the doghouse as I was told off by Emma and my own son ( Tex) for being too drunk and for being a nuisance. It would get worse ,adding to an already throbbing earache that bobbed up the very same time the previous year ,plus the hangover chiming in I couldn’t unlock my car , somehow the remote had gone flat and my key wouldn’t turn the handle .I had to take Emma’s car as she was staying home with Leroy who wasn’t feeling well .I was to come home early so we could swap . By the time I dropped Tex off to school I had already told him to “go and get fucked ” after we bickered about everything . It would get worse . With seconds to spare I got to work and used the bathroom , the night before had churned the gut up big time . It was here I made the next blunder , I had unwittingly dropped the phone out of my back pocket . It had silently slid out and shifted under the toilet , resting out of sight against the back wall . What are the odds? It would take 2 agonising hours of frantic searching ,with Emma using a ping on my phone that eventually alerted a maintenance guy to reach under and find it . By now everyone knew I’d lost it having a shit ……fucking great . On the way home my usual route had road works , we were detoured into a nearby estate . This is what makes Emma and I laugh about road works over here ; there’s often little forewarning ( admittedly there was today ,but I forgot ) , the signage usually bobs up too late and traps you , today the detour just deposited you into a side road but then there wasn’t another sign to guide you back out onto the other side of the road works . I got fucken lost , didn’t I ? I then went to google maps but my phone shut down with low battery . No …… I’m over this shit … 15 minutes of extra driving would see me home just in time , but not before I said the word ‘ fuck ‘ an extra 100 times .

Nate Florey …. what a bloke ( guy) . He loves to entertain , loves to bbq and loves to host .Whats even better was that he was throwing a Super Bowl party at his house , just 100 meters from our joint ….perfect . With a major park opposite the lane way that Nate had been able to block with council permission , ( yes you can do stuff like that over here …love it ) ,it was perfectly located for the kids to play while the adults …..play . A pig on a spit , a marquee , basketball hoop , multiple backyards and garages opened with big screens , ice coolers , kegs , you named it and it was there .

Finally the game …… thank good we had something to cheer about . It looked like a lot of big sporting events , the the tougher ,defensively minded team slowly grinding the agile young talented opposition into suffocating defeat ….and then it changed . The young dawg ( my man ) Mahomes turned it on it’s head . Before I know it I’m yahooing and being a lot more boisterous than I probably wanted to …6+ IPAs will do that to you and with a gripping finish I was downing amber ale at top speed . It would catchup ……I’m now paying the price. Super Bowl 2020 ,the best big day I’ve been to so far …thanks Nate……..get me some ibuprofen.

It’s officially the middle of winter ,but honestly it feels like the beginning of Spring . The temperature has hovered around 24 degrees Celsius for the last 2 days , today it will be cooler for The Super Bowl ,down to 20. The beaches were busy with families , friends volleyball tournaments and still with a bit of swell thrown in , unfortunately Saturday is my main day for work so I get to see it later . By now you probably get the picture of where we live and what the beach front looks like , but I have to remind you again . The Strand sits 200 meters directly beneath our place along the sand edge .Its a man made concrete path with a 2 feet concrete retaining wall separating the sand from an 4 meter wide path which borders along the edge of some the most expensive realestate in the United States . The Strand runs from the edge of Manhattan Beach to the North and at the border of Hermosa Beach and Redondo Beach to the South , I’m not sure how long that is but I’d say it’s 5 or6 kms of prime realestate .

I got home after work and I knew I needed to check the waves . I do what I often do , I walk the 5 minute walk down to the beach to the top of the stairs to my little lookout spot . I’m not sure so I decide to walk out onto the sand for a better look . Geezus H Christ ! There’s beach goers everywhere and a disproportionate amount of Gstring style young ladies sunning themselves ……in the middle of winter , god bless ‘m . It’s when I get close to the lifesaving tower I pull my phone out to get a nice beach shot that I notice the lifeguard get out of his tower and stare me out . Shit ,I look at myself and realise I’ve still got my all black uniform on , amongst a crowd of dressed down beach goers and with my phone poised to take a photo with a possibility of the odd beach goers in the shot . Fuck , I think he thinks I’m a bit of a pervert ( he’s pretty accurate ) , I decide to slide the phone back into the pocket and continue to gaze at the waves . Yep , I stood out like dogs balls . But truly you have to believe me that I just wanted a photo for this blog , you should see the beauty of this joint on a warm winters day . I wander back home , deciding that the blocked ears ,headache and probable 14th ear infection since moving here should stay dry . Yeah , I felt sorry for myself .

As the day finishes , dusk descending I head back down to pick up Leroy from the beach . There’s kids getting photos in their formal wear , beautiful people of all ages walking the Strand , house owners sitting on the balconies of their 15 million dollar properties drinking wine and still plenty of crazy joggers and exercise junkies threading through the foot traffic . Late afternoon it was beautiful in Hermosa , this is when you want to show your friends from Australia what this place can look like . Last night it was beautiful ………….bring on the Super Bowl …go Chiefs !

20020. There you go hound dawgs or should I say kelpies , Nah that doesn’t work , but anyway pups it’s been a fucken huge day ,to say the least . We had the bringing in of the Chinese New Year with the Rat and then of course LA went into meltdown with the sudden passing of Kobe Bryant ,LAs only true modern day sporting hero . With the great mans tragic death the morning had frozen solid with shock . It wasn’t long before the famous 24 in Lakers colours was draped across torsos on every corner .LA is in mourning ,but shit we’ve gotta drag ourselves outta this funk and do what we Aussies do , celebrate Australia Day .No matter the date it falls on in the future ,and I admit I’d like to see it changed ,we’ll celebrate it ,especially living abroad .

I got up this morning and checked social media ,with all the photos of bbqs ,get togethers and just friends and mates celebrating in our typically relaxed way . Yeah I sighed with a tinge of envy but shit we’ve got plans of our own . I kept to my routine ,threw the kettle on and had two scoops of Nescafé with a dollop of milk ,I’ve cut the teaspoon of sugar out . I still miss the sugar . I popped my head out the front door and gave a nod . Old Huebagger had sent a powerful swell thru the day before ,she was still there ,but now just rideable , better eat my weeties . It’s Australia Day ,so I do what any Aussie living in California would do and have avocado on sourdough toast with salt and pepper , I forgot the Vegemite , we’ve only got 6 tubs of it in storage ,just in case an earthquake hits as we’ll need rations .I’ll have it tomorrow. Of course I went surfing , it was heavy but the old dawg found a couple and then of course things stalled with Kobe .

Shit should we go ,we’re not really feeling it .We can just hang out here and have a couple . “Hey ,we’ve gotta do it. We’ll rock up ,have a couple and leave . Bluestone Lane Cafe ,Venice ,$35 entry as a donation to the bushfire appeal . We do it .1st we drop off Tex and his mate Noah who coincidentally has an Australian Mum from Perth ,off at the Venice skate park . Yeah ,I still shake my head ,the famous Venice strip and skatepark that is iconic to any LA tourist is somewhere our kid regularly frequents . Tex couldn’t be further away from being an Aussie ,he’s a Californian kid .

Rose Street Venice , a cool arty eclectic strip of terrace houses ,grimy beige units ,funky cafes ,restaurants and the signature Australian cafe (50 of them in the US) Bluestone Lane.I could’ve sworn I was out the back of Acland Street , Stkilda . Emma with her Vegemite pants , me with my Trigger Brothers shirt with the Australian coat of arms …we’re ready . The Australian flags , then the sound of Mondo Rock and finally the chatter of Aussie speak .Emma and I look at each other and smile . Yep no mistaking this vibe . “What would you like mate ?” “I’ll have a Coopers thanks mate ” , I reply . I watch the barman roll the Coopers gently before opening the lid for me . Shit ,he really does know how to handle these babies . Damo , Jacqui , Chris , Rachel and heap of Aussies in a cool modern cafe eating sausage rolls , meat pies and lamingtons . As per usual on these Aussie events I’m shocked at how good looking the crowd is . Their here to make it in the big time and you can tell their smart , talented , self assured and bloody well bred . It is uplifting , the positivity in this small space makes drinking beer all the more easier , not that I need inspiration. By 530 we’ve gotta get Tex and his mate before dark sets in . Emma says she could’ve stayed all night . I agree , in fact I think a sickie would well and truly suffice , but alas we have to pick up our American kid and get back to watch ..but what else …The Grammys … shit I think I better write this blog ….. Happy Australia Day folks .

PS we got take away …..

How’s it going all you Osssies back there in the Land of Down Under ? The bushfires have been big news on an almost nightly scale . On a couple of occasions news services have put aside 2 minutes or more to reporting the scope and carnage that’s occurring. The sight of burnt koalas and kangaroos jumping for their lives really strikes a chord with the Yanks . It’s funny just how much they love our native animals . They might love them more than we do . I felt guilty ,for I was excited to see news on Australia ,even if it was bad . Any news outside of LA pricks the ears ,it’s not often we hear about anything else other than another hit n run ,who’s gonna win what award in Hollywood ( they love awarding each other ) or a police shooting . Ive just recovered from the comatose inducing saturation of every channel broadcasting the live impeachment hearings ….. “like as if we care ? ” Hello ,we are in California ,the land of legalised weed and the Kardashians . Now the old boy has just gone an shot some Iranian General and we’ve gotta go through it all over again ….please send a plane over and come and get me now ,at least until the Super Bowl is on .I’ve been asked if my family and friends are safe down there . For all the criticism I have for this place and occasionally it’s people you can’t deny their care and affection for Australia ,especially considering most will never get the chance to see how good we’ve got it down there .

The rant aside ,it’s been great to catch up with the Floyds and have them stay at our joint . I must admit I was concerned at how it could work in our small digs but it went pretty seamlessly .At one one stage I thought I was living in ‘The Waltons ‘ house with John Boy , Mary Lou and shit I forget the rest of them , but any way it was like one big Amish family ,all nine of us ,alcohol included . New Years was pretty cool at CB’s joint , a family that kindly invited the whole Aussie brethren to their new digs .Shit ,now that the Floyds are skiing in Mammoth it’s almost too quiet . Quiet ..that’s the word for this time of the year in LA . The weather is clear ,the days short ,temperatures generally hovering from 14 -18 degrees Celsius and of course the winter sunsets are pretty special . It’s grind time , get to February when the days grow longer ;kids sport gets on roll with baseball and basketball ,consistent surf conditions and generally a feel of optimism creeps back in with the 6 month summer only a month off .

We’ve all had our share of the cold and flu lately . It’s something I’ve noticed since moving here ,I don’t get sick as much as I used to back in Melbourne. I think it’s the warmer climate . Never the less I was in bed for a whole morning the other day ,feeling like trash (another American word I’ve been trying to keep out of my vernacular) . It’s something I haven’t done since my early 20s ….yeah I know ..man flu . I popped my head outside today and I knew I was in trouble , the waves were real good . I manned up , put the suit on and walked down the beach feeling like a robot .Thats how I thought I looked ,feeling terribly sorry for myself ,all stiff ,achy and cold . …”Howie ,you just need 30 minutes mate ,grab a couple , feel good about yourself and grab a hot shower at home when you’re finished.” ……..It doesn’t work that way of course . When I got to the beach I realised I needed 2 hours out there …it was that good . …I should’ve stuck to the 30 minute rule …. It’s like trying to do any physical activity when you’re hung over … it ain’t gonna work …As i moped off I looked over my shoulder at a couple of geriatric 50 year olds who had well and truly got the better of me out there ….”C**ts” , I murmured to myself .

Emma in all her industriousness has set Tex and myself up for a date at the movies today ,she bought the tickets and even sent them to Texs phone so we could walk straight in. Old Texxy and myself rarely hang out .so here goes . I’m hanging onto the idea that I’m feeling foggy on this one . Old Texy boy who himself has been a bit crook with a flu and myself hit the Shake Shack to start with . This joint is no doubt the best fast food burger joint in LA , hands down . In fact I’ve had my best burger ever at this joint ,and that hurts to admit ,as I am fundamentally opposed to the fast food franchise joint …… and that’s tough when you live in Franchiseville .It says something when we both eat our burger only ,leaving our fries behind …I usually mop up those crinkly fries . Eventually Tex and I rock into the cinemas at 1230 for our 1240 matinee . “Shit there’s no one here , we’ll have the cinema to ourselves .” I remark . “Weird “,Tex replies . We rock into the theatre and it’s dark ,and there’s soldiers on the big screen ,and it’s very loud ..shit this looks like it’s a short for another war movie but it ain’t .The movie has already started . Tex and I look at each other and shrug our shoulders . I message Emma ,she informs me the the movie 1917 starts at 1205,as stated on the email and tickets she has sent us . Fuck it …..still it was one one the best movies I’ve seen without a beginning in maybe …well ,shit . I think it will win the Oscar for best picture ,put money on it . You have gotta see it …all of it . Well that’s it kiddos , not much is happening .Ya ole mate Marcus is still lurking ,we’re doing our thing …..hope it rains down there and bring on Australia Day and the footy season . Cheers …..The Howeys of Hermosa Beach .

We’re up . I managed 4 hours sleep on a queen bed that was shaped like a skate ramp .I couldn’t sleep on my left side without rolling and crashing into Emma . The bed creaked and crunched on every yawn ……need I say any more ? Well I will . When I got up for my 3rd piss at 330am I grabbed the bed knob for balance whilst trying not to step on Leroy’s head and virtually ripped it off .”Geezus Howie what are you doing ?”Emma groans . Leroy slept on a mattress on the floor ,the 3 older boys slept in the lounge room , we all shared the one toilet and bath/ shower with 3 old green towels between us all. There was no washing machine ,hence explaining why no one was too keen to dry themselves with the old green towels ,let alone standing on the grimy bath tub and shower . There’ll be no showering this weekend .The joint is an ice box and we are all either semi hung over , sleep deprived or corn chip and sour worm overloaded …You beauty .”Kids we are going on a 6 km walk to the 49 Palms . Excited ?” “Nooooooo!!! The kids are adamant they won’t be going anywhere . Just 10 hours earlier they were distraught with the idea of staying here ,now they don’t want to leave.

49 Palms …..the violin concerto of complaints and whining led by the kids and directed by Tex was a sight to behold .We drove in unperturbed , the little fuckers are going for a walk no matter what . We’re off , layered up with gloves, jumpers , parkers and beanies . It’s not long before the kids are off up ahead . This part of JoshuaTree is layered with boulders ,rocks ,granite ,small scrub and cacti . An alien landscape ,that undulates , rolls and folds into the snow covered mountain range into the distance …..and there’s meant to be a palm tree oasis at the end of the track ? The walk was strenuous , the air clean and frigid .I did notice the elevation had an effect on breathing , at times needing to suck in more breath on some of the uphill climbs . Leroy felt unwell until we got back into town on lower ground . Ahh there it is ,a group of large palms tucked into a fold at the bottom of a ravine ,above it a grandstand of granite covered in snow . There’s no doubting we’ve arrived .Theres “Ois ,Cooees ,mate”are broadcast ,kids arguing ,climbing in areas with signs of ‘no entry ‘to protect sensitive flora and fauna ,all loud enough to be heard by anyone else within a mile of us and of course we flushed out 2 Aussies girls from Melbourne who happened to be also out here . By the time we get back we’ve got a nice sweat up ,now it’s time to drive the 80 kms to Palm Springs for lunch ……” Noooo, take us back home .No dad !” ” Suck it up kids ,I need a coffee “

Next day …..it starts again ….”Nooo , we don’t want to go for a walk to see Joshua Tree . Please can we just go home ” We enter Joshua Tree National Park via the western entrance in the town JoshuaTree . The complaining led by Tex and echoed by the kids continued unabated .It gets worse when we have to line up in convoy to get through the rangers gate .”Noo , let’s just turn around and head back .This is crazy ! It’s gonna cost $30 per car to get in !” “Suck it up kids “,I laugh .Its like throwing petrol on the bbq. Eventually we drive through ,meandering on a road that could easily be built on Mars . The rocky terrain tinted with a red rust ,gives way to a white winter wonderland . All of a sudden the kids are pleading for us to stop anywhere so as they can get out on the snow . We stop at Quail Springs , a set of boulders opening into a field of Joshua Trees covered in snow . The ranger on duty tells us that we are very fortunate to see the park in its current state . There is a foot+ of snow ,an event that occurs once in 10-30 years . ” You may never see it like this again”, he says

Hidden Valley next , just 5 minutes down the road . Emma and Andrea have left us with the kids ,they’ve headed off to a”Sound Bath” ,some type of experience with gongs and stuff , I’ll stick to walking Joshua Tree . I don’t think we missed out on this decision .Hidden Valley is beautiful . An ethereal beauty enhanced by the fairytale cover of snow . Vivid morning sunlight ,large outcrops of boulders , Joshua Trees covered in snow just like Christmas trees ,with a track made of granite steps that cuts through a ravine opening into a valley below . This used to be cattle rustling route in the Wild West ,the valley hidden behind rock outcrops used as shelter for the stolen cattle . Today it looked stunning . The kids are oblivious to its history and it’s beauty , they just want to climb rocks and throw snow balls . When it came time to leave it was the chorus instigator himself Tex who holds us up by half an hour . He and Jack were off climbing rocks , jumping over gaps and doing shit I’m glad their mums couldn’t see .

Joshua Tree ; I didn’t know what it was other than a bloody great U2 album . When I moved here I was more aware but it really didn’t excite me too much . I did find out that the U2 album cover wasn’t even shot here , it was The Eagles who did it first . That aside the Floyds and the Howards got to Joshua Tree . It was worth the trip , the raw accomodation , the whining kids and the icy cold . We got lucky , I’m not sure Joshua Tree could’ve been any more beautiful ……just hope the kids can remember it when they’re out there as adults exploring the world . Maybe they might go back without whining .

“Shit ,where is this joint ? ”

It’s a 5 star bed and breakfast , authentic Californian desert style . There’s a games room , enough space and bedding to house two families , a pool ,a large yard with a makeshift golf range . Ohh and there’s the incredible uninterrupted views of the surrounding ranges ,including Joshua Tree National Park .

We drive through Yucca Valley , a tough old town that you might find in the Latrobe Valley. Gee, it’s not that pretty out here , but people obviously live here . Why ? That may sound tough but I’m looking at it from a kids perspective .These towns regularly push in excess of 45 degrees Celsius in the summer and in the winter it drops to below 10 degrees Celsius .Today there’s a a smattering of snow spread out across surrounding ranges .Its cold . Old abandoned caravans and RVs are spread throughout paddocks . The area is littered with rocky barren ground, covered in scrub , tumbleweed and an odd looking tree that bobs up every 10 or 20 meters .The town of Joshua Tree is next , this looks more interesting with eclectic shops , saloon bars and restaurants but shit it’s no resort town . There’s a growing sense of doom in the back as the kids keep questioning where we are staying . Shit , I’m thinking the same thing myself . We are now out on a long straight road in the middle of nowhere and google maps are telling me that we are only 2 miles from our destination . We then turn down a small bitumen road that looks to head straight into Death Valley . 500m …400m…300m ….No surely not . I look across to Marcus ,he starts laughing . Then the chorus starts ..”No dad ,this can’t be it ! “”No way am I staying here . ” “This must be a mistake . P,ease dad tell me it’s not true . ” This is bullshit , turn this car around now and take us home (Tex) ” . “Ring mum up and tell her we can’t stay here .” No”.”No way ” Nooo !” The kids are distraught , Marcus and I are laughing ….Shit this is about to get real .

The first thing that came to mind was Walter Wight and Jessie Pinkman …Breaking Bad .The bedrooms……..3 Caravans ,old ,musty ,dusty ,rat shit in the drawers,flat tyres on uneven ground . .Its about 5 Celsius ,each van has a small electric heater . Tex and Jack are keen to endure and sleep over night ,the other kids ,Marcus ,Andrea ,Emma and myself decide that the 2 bedrooms and lounge room will suit us just fine . 15 minutes later Tex and Jack drag in the mattress from the caravan . All 9 of us squeezed into an old 2 bedroom shack , in the middle of no where …..only one thing to do ,drink up ,light a fire and play cards .Tomorrow …….Joshua Tree National Park ……..