Late October and it’s hot , pushing mid 30s hot . Think late April heatwaves in Melbourne ,but days on end now. The surf has returned to normal transmission…..flat ,consistently flat ,much like the 1st late summer we experienced in LA . The sunsets are back , so are the wild fires . It’s funny how you get fire / weather warnings and like magic they pop up on queue . California or Australia you can’t keep a good pyromaniac down .

We’ve had a busy month , with more to come . 1st the McKay’s in late September . Hollywood , Santa Monica and then Venice were all on the menu .Then the Deutshers , we happily let them hit Hollywood ,Beverly Hills and Griffith Observatory on their own mission . Emma took them to Malibu , Santa Monica and Venice. Of course there were a few beers sunk in between .John came next . When he said he might shoot over for a weekend for the Tool concert I thought he was all talk .He arrived Friday and flew out Monday .A Herculean effort , he didn’t leave much in the tank . MedMen ,Venice Beach , Hermosa , Manhattan , Elsugundo ,Rock ‘n’Brews ,Sunken City and of course Tool at the Staples Centre , all in 3 days! Its now Kathy and Gemma just in time for Halloween , probably the most memorable time of year to live in LA

Work has continued to bubble away , there’s hardly any Friday beers with early Saturday starts , same with Sundays with the following Monday . I might of lost a kilo around the gut ,should be more but I’m surfing less and am on a run of niggling injuries that have put exercise on hold . This Saturday Emma and I will get to our 1st Halloween party . School parents through Leroy have invited us . I expect this to be ‘real’ ,considering Brad ( host ) is a movie producer . I’ll do my best to report on it , although this is gonna get messy . …………For now , happy Halloween ………did I say it was hot ?

It looms large every year , but ever slightly it diminishes . That’s what happens when you live overseas , the big days back home mean a lot but they lose their aura when you’re not immersed in it . I’ve kept my membership running and have even maintained my seat ,all in the deluded hope that my Saints can be good again . The fear was palpable when I left , I thought it would be preordained that as soon I was gone that somehow my team would rise again and play in that last big game of the year . Then I could fly back for the weekend and see this impossible dream come true , but also I worried that maybe I’m some kind of jinx and that if I stayed here they’d win it ,forever to be tortured that I couldn’t be there to see them win it , just once . My marriage ,the birth of my children and then the holiest of days , attending the MCG to see the Saints lift the Holy Grail …………..”Wake up dickhead , it ain’t happening and if it does you have nothing to do with it .”

The Grand Final means nothing over here , in fact most Americans think we only play rugby and have never heard or seen Aussies Rules Football . I would’ve thought that us expats would gather somewhere to celebrate the big day . A place where families can get together over a bbq , a few beers , a big screen and at least pretend it means something. No , it hasn’t happened so far . In the South Bay where we live and LA in general there seems to be more Sydneysiders and Queenslanders . We know it doesn’t mean much to them , even the Rugby Grand Final hasn’t caused a murmur. Last year I listened to the game on radio , the year before I sat around at our Aussie neighbours and watched it in their apartment , but it wasn’t the same . There’s no build up , no hype , just a picture . You feel removed .

“Hey Troy , I got tickets to Busby’s for the Grand Final in Santa Monica . Would you like to come ?” Leroy’s tennis coach Pat loves all things Australian , particularly Aussie Rules and the Hawthorn footy club . He was introduced to the sport by a fellow American who had friends in Houston who were Aussies . 5 years previously Pat had gone down to Busby’s with his friend to watch the Granny . It was there that he ran into Hawthorn supporters who influenced him to adopt the Hawks . Of course the Hawks would win the premiership that day and the deal was brokered. Those guys are still friends with him today . Just recently Pat visited them in Brisbane , staying at their place ,being chaperoned around town and even flown to Melbourne to watch the Hawks play GWS at the MCG ( think it was the smallest Melbourne crowd on record , it’s a pity he didn’t see a big game ) . At each lesson we have to come up with the Aussie word of the day . After 2 and a half years I’ve ran out , I tell Pat that all I’ve got left is a large collection of X rated words and sayings . I whisper them to him out of the kids ear shot . He usually bursts out laughing and starts the lesson with a big smile on his face ……..”Why not mate , I’d love to come . In fact I’ll drive as I have to work the next day .” It killed me to offer that , to be driving and not drinking , but this should be fun to go out with a heap of Aussies .

Busby’s in Santa Monica is actually located a little inland and away from the touristy strip . We pull up and park out the back .Theres a queue of about 10 people waiting to get in on a dingy low lit street . A 6 foot 6 3330 pound black dude with dreadlocks ,a black leather jacket and a beanie stands with his arms crossed .He looks like some rappers minder . Along side him a 6 foot Indian looking dude is taking tickets . I’m thinking ..”shit are we in the right joint .” I then ask a couple in the line ..”Yeah mate ,this is where the Granny is being showed . ” I look and smile . Yep there’s no doubting that accent . The Indian guys then announces ..”All right who’s got tickets for the Granny .if you’ve got’m come on bloody in , if ya haven’t ,pay up !” .It couldn’t have been delivered with a more broad Australian accent . I look at Pat and smile , he laughs . We are definitely at the right place .

Black and yellow scarves , the odd Richmond jumper ,people packed around the bar , mostly standing ,the echo of “Mate “,”shit yeah “, “ya reckon “, TVs everywhere playing the previous weeks GWS win over Collingwood.,the sound of BT and Bruce McAvaney commentating in the background and even the earthy smell of four’n’ twenty pies wafting through beer drench . I look at Pat , nod my head with a smile and say “let’s get stuck into it , whaddya want to drink , no light beers allowed .” Busby’s is a bit of a den ,dark with several rooms that extend to the back area where couches ,a pool table and an eclectic collection of kitchen chairs and one long table sit . This is where we set up camp .It isn’t long before the joint is bustling . I’m talking to Tony and Lisa from Lillydale who are on holiday .Pats talking to another guy who coincidentally happens to be a tennis coach as well . We talk briefly to several groups of people ,nearly all are here on holiday . The event is run by the LA Dragons , an Australian football club that plays games against OC ,SanFran ,SanDiego and other carnivals interstate . They run a raffle , I’m within 50 of winning on several prizes and just miss the box of pies by 6 tickets . Still it seems the Dragons take the aloof Californian approach ,their room is cordoned off from the rest of the pub and they barely mingle . It’s not the best way to promote your club . The lay out segregates each group and it is a bit of a shame there isn’t one big room with a big screen to capture the big day vibe . The pre match entertainment and build up is skipped by the broadcaster , an English provider . The tvs switch over for the national anthem . Pat is surprised that hardly anyone stands . I explain that our National Anthem doesn’t hold the same reverence of the US counterpart . We are proud of being Aussies but I think we generally don’t think our national song is our own .I don’t think it holds a candle to the ‘Star Spangled Banner ‘. Everyone starts to bustle ,settling in their seats and then ………WTF!! The joint bursts with a large moan , the tvs go black , we’ve lost the broadcast . It reappears just as the opening bounce goes down . The 1st fourty minutes is a poor spectacle to be showing American friends , fortunately Pat has a reasonable understanding of the game . He just wants a close finish . I tell him it’s unlikely , “Richmond will smash them “. And they do . Eventually the pro Richmond crowd takes over , it’s enjoyable just watching these guys celebrate . The majority of people here are under 30 . Eventually the game is over . We leave quietly . I look over my shoulder at a group of young guys with their Richmond scarves . There’s a group of young American girls who’ve come to the bar to check out the Aussie guys, they’ve got the full attention of the group of celebrating Richmond guys ……….lucky fuckers , I think they’ll get to take an American trophy home tonight .

I sniff the breeze pretty early , theres no plain Jane in this neck of the woods . It was 8 weeks before we finally acted and started the daunting task for a 2nd time . It’s intimidating when you get out of your comfort zone . I stand out like a sore thumb , climbing out of Emma’s little Beama , approaching the yard with confidence , knowing full well I haven’t a clue or much interest in this area . 10 grand ,that’s all I’m willing to part with , which is more like 12 and half Australian . I thought I’d find a car cheap , everyone always said they were less expensive in the States ,and they are when you buy them brand new . 2nd hand? I don’t think there’s much difference to Australia . The car yards selling your second hand vehicle all sit inland in places like Hawthorn,Gardena and Inglewood . Out here your car dealer is hardened , he or she has a dossier implanted on each stereotype that enters their lot , when they see me jumping out of Emma’s sports BMW with the added bonus of an Australian accent , it’s like lamb to the slaughter .

“Sir, I’ve got a lovely Mercedes , going for just $18000, or how about this beautiful Suburu Forrester for just $17500.” “Nah mate , not my cup of tea “, I reply. After a while it gets tiring, a growing resentment builds . “Mate I just want a cheap old battler that’ll be reliable , last 5 years and is under 10 grand , not a fucking cent more.” This becomes my line that I continually repeat , but still they start with the upsell … Eventually I’m thinking stuff it , I’m gonna get a bomb . I’ll get something that stands out around town . I settle on one that I like , a 2001 gold Lincoln station wagon ,with giant electric sun roof , 250000miles on the clock and a beat down look that only a pimp could love .Going for just $5400 , perfect . If you’ve ever read the book ‘My brother Jack ‘ , this is how I start to feel , I want to be anything but conforming and this little beauty will get heads turning all day long in Hermosa Beach ……the kids will love it …..not .

I show Emma , she’s not impressed , Leroy thinks it’s great because of the sun roof( he’s always had bad taste ) , Tex thinks it’s pure trash .He’s right . Eventually I have to let the Lincoln go and settle on the alternative , a 2006 Nissan Pathfinder for $9000US . At first I feel she’s not too bad ,she’s practical , has 7 seats and most importantly fits the surfboards in . Cool . I’ve never bought a car brand new and I’ve no intention in starting now . What’s starts off shiny and new soon loses it’s lustre . Black Betty never had any lustre to start with . It wouldn’t take long before she’d be able to do what I had envisaged with the Lincoln .

“Your car is a piece of shit ,dad ” I just smile . ” Don’t drop me off here , go around the corner .” ” Don’t come to the school parking lot , meet me in the McDonalds car park .” “This car is a fucking embarrassment .” “I only want mum to pick me up ” “You drive the worst car of all the parents I know .” ” This piece of crap is the worst car in town .” The more I hear it the more I want to drive her where he is . I drop Tex off and I make sure I toot the horn ,he hates it . I love it . She’s black , it takes no time before a fine coat of LA salt and dust covers it but I resist washing her . I don’t care , the rougher , the more down beaten she looks the more Tex is embarrassed and the more satisfied I become . I drive him around a lot at the moment . I make sure she gets driven aggressively, the old Melbourne Troy is finally back . Black Betty takes no prisoners and Tex detests it . The air conditioning only works at 50 (80 kilometres per hour ) miles per hour . When we got stuck on the 91 shutdown for 2 hours , the 100 degree heat wasn’t a lot of fun. I smiled to myself when I shut the engine off . I knew it would come . “Fuck dad , what’s wrong with your car ? Why doesn’t the aircon work ?” “Fuck why did you buy this piece of shit “. I laugh . She has a spare tyre but I can’t change it . I discovered that the hard way . When I bought her I didn’t check the tyre kit , it doesn’t have a crank bar . This hooks into the back and lowers the chain with the spare tyre on it . I’ve chased it up but each time the language barrier ( the accent ) has made it a near impossible task . I’m always referred to Nissan . At $220 I’ve resisted . It’s practically a weeks wage for ‘some ‘. Every day and night there’s that feeling that a flat tyre could be a major pain in the arse , especially considering that AAA ( our version of RACV ) do not carry crank bars , meaning that all they can do is pump it up so I can race to find a tyre joint , which has happened twice so far .

I park her in the street and smile ………. she’s the worst car in the street , probably in the bottom ten cars in the whole of town …….. I nod my head ……. good girl .

It’s been a while since I started a post with a date , at least 2 years . I suppose this whole blog really started out as on open diary on living in LA . Much has changed since then , but still the callings and connection with home ( Melbourne) are strong . We are in a fortunate cycle of Aussie friends that are visiting or that have recently visited , it’s been fun . ‘Ole mate ‘got a reprieve , I unblocked him , I felt guilty as his love child Tim was revisiting .I thought I at least should give him a chance .

It started off ok but it wasn’t long before his relentless intrusions became unbearable . He started visiting daily ,again . One afternoon he asked if he could borrow my phone as for some reason his wouldn’t connect to a certain number . He made a call to his ex father in law who had obviously blocked his number ( sound familiar?) . He talked for 15 minutes , after hanging up he said if there were any extra charges that he’d sort it out . ” Why’s that mate ?” I asked . “Oh , the guy I talked to lives on the Canadian and Alaskan border , I knew I’d surprise him ringing from another number .” Ole Mate replied . I looked at him in disbelief . One morning whilst out for a run my phone went into melt down . Ole Mate had taken it upon himself to give my number to a ‘friend ‘ that could help us with ‘issues ‘ without ever bothering to ask . He thought we needed advice from someone he knew .I was shocked when I listened to my voice mail , the body quivered with a quiet rage . I let him know by message that this was unacceptable. He replied with a long winded message via voice mail that accused me of having low intelligence for not accepting his unsolicited advice . I laughed …….” you’re blocked buddy .” He still haunts the area ,hoping to ‘accidentally ‘ run into me. It hasn’t happened yet . It’s been a peaceful 4 weeks . Well , at least where he’s concerned .

Tex has started high school ( year 9 ) at Mira Costa , he broke his ankle skating , which has terminated his prospects with the football ( grid iron ) team . Frankly I think he’s relieved , the idea of playing any sport holds no interest for him . It’s a pity , high school life in the States revolves around their sporting teams .Tex is well equipped to excel in a few of them , still even then you need grades at C (70%) and above to participate, meaning there’s no guarantee. As I’ve said before , it’s a tough system over here .

Leroy is floating along just nicely , he has an excellent grade 3 teacher that will equip him for middle school in 2020 . Emma’s doing her thing and that leaves me . I’m busy , for the first time since moving here . The new gig demands a lot of my attention . I enjoy it , it’s in my field of interest . Still there are things to American life that take getting used to . The labour laws are vastly inferior to the Australian system . I came into my new job with low expectations and a willingness to start from the bottom , that hasn’t changed . I’m trying hard , gaining traction but the frustrations of explaining to others what my remuneration is ……. is well ……. yeah let’s just say I’m the equivalent of a 1st year chippy …sometimes .

For the next month it’s gonna be busy . It’s Macca ,Corin and little Finn this week The Deutchers next week , another old work mate John in October and then Kathy and Gemma after that . Until then , cheers from LA. Go Tigers ( that kills me , and I will say that I think Collingwood are good things , thank god I live here for the next 2 weeks ) .

The landscape has changed rapidly in California and several other states in the US .The commercial world has grabbed the legalisation of marijuana with two hands ,quickly polishing this manky little plant into the shiniest little jewel in leisure and the ‘self entertainment’ market .

It’s been a long time since I bought weed , actually thought I probably wouldn’t ever purchase again ,but the shift in temptation is all too alluring. Whenever we have visitors from Australia one of the attractions we direct them to is Abbot Kinney rd in Venice , more specifically…..MedMen and Dosist .These stores are the future , they’re clean , transparent , modern and are set up very similar to the Apple stores . ID is required but once inside the staff are super knowledgeable, explaining things in laymen form .Its very relaxed and informative . The floor layout is clinical and eerily similar to the way mobile phone stores are set out . The thing that stood out most of all was the clientele ; all ages ,both male and female ,couples, tourists and professionals . After scrolling through the iPads that display the products we eventually sought out assistance . What do we get ? The choice is abundant ,so much so that it had my head spinning without even needing to ingest a morsel . We honed in on the edible market ,but still we didn’t have a clue . You’ve got lolly pops ,cookies ,chips ,cakes , fruit flavoured soft gels and hard gels ,even beer and soft drinks with THC added . On top of that each strain is engineered , some mixed with each other to create a certain type of high . The young Afro American girl who assisted us was great ,she was helpful and had a sense of humour that could handle some of our Aussie schtick . When we told her we were going to Vegas she directed us to a certain type of edible , apparently it would get us up , even put us into a euphoric state . We looked at each other and laughed .” Ahh come on , surely not ? ” She looked at us with a wry smile … “You’ll enjoy it “.

The boys purchased . It’s a weird feeling when you leave the store with a nice red gift bag that pretty much declares to anyone on the street that you’ve purchased weed . Weeks later I return and buy something , I proudly look at my purchase but as soon as I get out the front door I shove it under my arm . The stigma hasn’t left my psyche just yet . That’s the package . Look at it . You’d never know what these little gummies are capable of by just looking at this cute little box , but Ash,Al ,Tim and I have a better idea . “So what should happen is that once you ingest the gummy the effects probably won’t kick in until 45minutes to an hours time . You’ll feel a creeping surge of awareness that’ll tip you into a happy , almost euphoric state . It should last several hours and will be perfect for Vegas ” …….

” You want one now Troy ?” , Ash asks .”Shit no mate I’m driving in LA , I’d rather get home first .”,I reply . Ash and Al chew one down on the way back from Venice , they report that they feel something within 5 minutes . Thank god I didn’t drop one myself .Later that night after many beers and a gummy it’s fair to say we were messed up . Ask Al , he disappeared and somehow found himself home in the dark , to our house in a totally spun out state . It’s hilarious that he found his way back to my joint on the 2nd night in a foreign country in a place he’d had little idea where he was . Ash and I pictured him sleeping next to some homeless guy on the sand somewhere .

Fuck here we go, bombs away . The raspberry flavoured gummy doesn’t completely mask the background taste of marijuana,but it’s still dangerously easy to chew and swallow . 10 milligrams in that little puppy , fuck it we are all in and I chew on a chocolate coffee bean infused with an additional 5 milligrams . Now it’s time to march to MGM and the Calvin Harris pool party . Just like the boys said I notice something within minutes , a little rush ,followed by a relaxed contentment ……. then nothing . We march through the MGM casino , still nothing . If anything I’m more alert . Maybe the coffee bean , the adrenaline of going to a 25 year olds pool party and just the hype washed down with a few pre drinks had masked things . By the time we get in , I’m not feeling it , in fact I’m hyper aware that I’m 25 years over the target audience . Maybe it’s paranoia that you often associate with weed .

On the hour the first rush surges through , almost like a hot flush . The atmosphere is off the charts , no doubt there’s a whole lotta other stuff been ingested here . The affect : From regret , to “Fuck it ” , to “oh yeah ” , to a urge to nod and then rock to the rhythm , the corner of the lips curl up , the chest puffs , shoulders rise . Yeahhh , now I’m feeling it . I’m embarrassed, I can’t stop smiling . I look over at the boys and they’re laughing , on top of the world . ” Fuck how goods this !” Tim declares .”That edible is great , I feel awesome .” ” That chick at MedMen was spot on ” . The edible sends waves that surge through your gut into the top of your head in anything to 20 minute intervals right up until a few hours later . One thing we all agree on is that the girls description of the way these gummies would effect us was very accurate .

That little packet above still hasn’t been opened . When you’ve got kids you’ve got to time these things perfectly . Before the boys went home I would take the boys back to MedMen . They purchased . One of them , not saying who , picked up something that would deliver an extra effect to the bedroom adventures . I would’ve totally dismissed this as total bullshit , but now I think I believe it . ” Hey mate , when you get a chance tell me if it worked ? ” I think I might need to make another trip to Venice “

Tex and I finally arrived ….blood pressure up , cursing in full swing but still there was a sense of relief . 2 hours inland from Hermosa Beach and 90 minutes from LA sits the San Bernardino Mountain range . Hidden up here is the ski resort Big Bear and just below that is Lake Arrowhead , this is our destination.Climbing out of LA was a relief . Living in LA you notice just how dry the climate is . The ascent up the San Bernardino range begins with the typical scraggy , rock scattered hills that are common here . I would like to have taken a photo to show you guys but Tex was near hysterical about me keeping my eyes on the road , admittedly the drive requires your full concentration with winding bends , hairpin corners and sweeping turns that seemingly push you out over steep drop offs . From the floor of the LA basin to Lake Arrowhead was 35kms ,a much longer drive when you’re in your 4th hour of what should’ve been a 2 hour cruise , courtesy of the 91 (freeway) shutdown . Finally we flatten out along the crest of the range and momentarily get a panoramic view of LA ……..It’s huge ,a sweltering , smog covered sprawl humming far below . It feels good to look down on it . On our right is the abyss ,on our left is something we haven’t seen for a while …. trees . There’s something magical about forests and trees and green and pine needles and wood cabins and shadows that aren’t formed off concrete . The house we share with Megan,Ben,Kim ,Bill and all our kids is a rambling old timber structure built into the hill . The house wraps around a stairwell leading into bedrooms that sit amongst the trees . This is one of those old houses as a kid that you’d love to be playing hide and seek ,with its many rooms ,closets ,nooks and dark little corners that you could sink away in . Below was an entertaining room with a large theatre screen ,side bedroom ,bathroom ,a big kitchen with a long table sitting under a bay window . Outside theres a nice little spot under the trees to rock away your stresses whilst you wet the whistle , and I did plenty of that .Lake Arrowhead is a beautiful location . A 200 meter walk through large pine trees opens up into a small clearing …and there it is ,a lake that’s not just some dam or oversized pond , it’s bigger ,sprawling and twisting around points with jetty’s , grand old lake houses , hotels ,resorts ,marinas and small sandy beaches . Wow ! This is a polar opposite to the day to day living of LA . Lake Arrowhead is so close but far enough out of reach to protect its charm and beauty from being swallowed by the Los Angeles sprawl . I’d like to tell you a whole lot more about the town but I didn’t venture far , the others were here longer and no doubt saw a lot more of it than myself .36 hours later Tex and I descend , leaving Emma and the others behind . It was brief . It was beautiful , surprisingly close . I think we’ve gotta get back up there for another look .Lake Arrowhead ,it’s a little gem

It’s the Labour day long weekend ,Emma and Leroy head off to Lake Arrowhead on Friday morning , they will share a house with two other families . Tex and I will catch them Saturday afternoon after I work the morning shift . Tex stays at the Terranea Resort overnight , which is not too far from me .

It’s an inauspicious start to the day , I’ve woken up very stiff after a muscle strain in my lower back ,to add to that I’ve developed a hemerrhoid the size of a cherry . I’ve got an idea , I’ll rub on some Mamma D’s , a 2400 milligram CBD lotion !Thats potent . It reduces the swelling quick and to add to the ibuprofen I’ve taken for my back I feel pretty good . 5 minutes into the drive I notice a relaxation deep in the loins . 10 minutes later , it’s more than that now . It could be just a coincidence but I need to get to work quick …….I might shit myself . It’s a miracle I get to work , somehow I make it with no more than 1 second to spare , all the while gracefully cruising through the facility with a smile and a nod to passing clientele and work mates . By the time I leave I notice the drive time to Lake Arrowhead on google maps lists it at 1 hour 54 , not too bad .

I text Tex …. ” You ready ? I’ll be there in 15 “. ” No , I’m not coming ” ” Pigs arse “, I reply .Several messages ensue, with Emma on the thread . Eventually I’ve got him , we head home to pack with the plan of leaving by 130 . 330 , I can see it now But this is LA and when you drive the freeways here you’re always vulnerable . As soon as I plug in my ETA to Lake Arrowhead I notice it’s now a 2 hour 20 minute drive , by the time I hit the 405 I notice the drive time has extended to 2 hours 34 minutes and I’ve already driven the first 15 minutes . Tex is oblivious , he’s in the back seat playing on his phone . One things for sure , the brakes get a workout , several times the anchors are pulled on hard . “OMG !! Dad ,what the hell are you doing ! “. “Shut up , this is what happens in LA ” , I reply . I’m getting frustrated , an hour in and the traffic is still solid with continual speed changes from 70 miles ( 110ks ) down to a stop . This continues , so does Tex . ” Shut the fuck up will you .” ” No Dad , you watch the road .” Then it happens …..We come to a complete stop …….and stay stopped . 2 hours tick by , then 2hrs 15 . Maps still hasn’t adjusted the ETA , apparently we are only 40 mins away , like we were 15 mins before . I’ve turned the engine off , the temperature is 100 degrees (38 Celsius ) . Tex is bitching , I’m bitching , horns are tooting ,I’m looking on the net but I can’t find anything , all it says is there is a slowdown . Meanwhile Emma’s sending photos of beaches , lakes and cocktails . Then it sinks in , the other side of the freeway has no traffic . Tex informs me he needs to take a dump . ” You are fucking kidding me , you’ll have to drop it in the bag of cheetos cause we’re going no where .” I inform him . ” I didn’t want to even come , now I’ve gotta shit in a bag on a freeway surrounded by a thousand people !”, he yells . I get out of the car and look down the road , there’s people on the road , but nothings coming . We are not moving . Cars are turning around , it’s bedlam . ” Tex , I’m turning around .” No , we are now getting closer . ” he replies . We crawl another 50 m and then I do it , I turn around and push head on into the oncoming maul and then file into the emergency lane . Tex doesn’t like it , we bicker non stop ,but it pays off when I eventually exit via the on ramp . 3 hours have gone by , I’ve got a sore arse , a sore back , a sore head and Tex needs a shit .

This photo is actually the on ramp of the 91 freeway , but we’re exiting . It turns out that a woman was standing on the overpass threatening to jump . The cops had shut it down both ways . To make things worse they got her down unscathed but then a police car speeding to the scene t- boned a Caltrans truck . The road was shut for another 90 minutes . The surrounding roads were gridlocked .Tex lost the urge to relieve himself and we got back on the freeway at the 3 hr 20 mark . The last 40 minutes were a spectacular ascent up the San Bernardino mountain range , all the while Tex was continually yelling for me to watch the road as I pointed to views with one hand on the wheel . With 4 hours ticked off I finally lose it . Maps kept circling us around our destination , I blame it on maps . ” It’s not my fucken fault , it’s this stupid phone . ” It is your fault dad , you re getting us lost .” “Fuck you ” No , Fuck you . Get the fuck out every the car .” ” No ! Get us unlost . ” ” Fuck it , I’m turning this car around and we are going home . ” ” Good , Tex replies . We are very close but the roads are like driveways that circle through a labyrinth of tall conifers and beautiful timber cottages . Emma calls , she’s lose on the juice and asks us what we are doing . She’s following us on a phone tracking app . I’m raging .”Fuck this , #*#t of a joint ,stuff is spewing out of my mouth . For the first time all day Tex is also cursing in agreement with me . This is all been broadcast on speaker on Emmas phone within earshot of the other families . Emma walks to within view to find us . We are here 4 hours and 10 minutes after leaving . Bill hands me a beer , everyone looks at me . It’s gonna be better now

“Gday mate , are you sure you’re working hard enough ?” ,I ask . He looks at me and smiles .Every morning I have to get out there and sell myself , something I usually detest but have accepted it’s something that I need to do to better myself . The self sell is big over here ,actually ‘the sell ‘ in general is a fundamental to American life . “Are you from South Africa , I can detect an accent ? “, he replies “God no mate , I’m from Melbourne, Australia , you know , where the real people are from “, I reply with a glint in my eye and a bit of a head nod . ” What’s you’re routine today , looks like it’s a bit of chest and maybe arms ?” I ask. I have to get out there daily and get myself seen .Today I’m hungover and for some reason the formalities have been dropped and a more cavalier approach oozes from my pores …amongst other things . It’s Saturday morning and the place is pretty busy , but the gym floor is actually quiet , it’s the the other rooms with spin classes ,yoga and power sculpt that are full . ” Yes it’s chest and back this morning , but I’ve already finished a body dynamic session ( group class ) beforehand .”, he replies. “Geezus , are you serious ? Haven’t you got time for other stuff on a Saturday morning ?” I ask. He laughs . ” This is my escape , it’s my time ” , he replies . “Mate …… you’ve been here 90 minutes , you’re barely sweating and you’re face is barely moving , there’s not a wrinkle on it . You sure you didn’t get Botox before you came in , cause you look beautiful this morning . If it was me in your position I’d look like a chewed up Cheeto ( wanted to say twistie but they don’t exist over here ) and I’d be coming over to that table over there to get my shoulders rubbed .”, I plead He laughs and says “I’ll take that as a compliment and yes I do get Botox regularly .” “Shit mate ,I’m only joking , you don’t really have Botox , do you ? I’m just saying you’re looking good this morning and if you need a massage come over and see me .” ,I reply. He actually enjoys the banter and accepts the request . He asks about my situation and I let him in on our journey to the US . It turns out this guy is 40 years old , is twice married and is a physician with 3 businesses across LA and his wife has a Botox clinic …… true …he is your classic advertisement for LA middle aged wealth . “Hay Troy ,you should give it a go “, he says. “What mate ,the gym?” “No , you should book an appointment with my wife and get some Botox done on your face , you’d look great .” ” You’re kidding me mate , you’d need a 44 gallon drum of that stuff to clear this grooved out head .” , I said “No really Troy , we should exchange details and maybe your wife with her background in cosmetics would love to visit my wife and her business , she’ll get a great discount on the treatments as well . You should surprise her and come in periodically and get Botox treatments and see if she notices it . I think your wife will really be impressed with how handsome you’ll look , not that you are not already . This will be just a little maintenance for you and will do wonders for your ability to sell yourself in here . ” , the doc explains . I laugh , and I really mean laugh , I also catch on that the sell has smoothly been reversed .” Geezus mate it’d need to do more than that . I need it to get some extra after dark attention as well “. ” He looks at me and smiles …” It will Troy , trust me I have 4 kids to two wives and I can tell you it makes a difference . ” Ally is a manicured new aged guy who’s a cross between Mathew Broderick and Robert Downey Junior . We exchange phone numbers , it feels weird . Here I am on the other side of the world in an ‘oh so cliche ‘ environment that you’d see on some television show like ‘Getaway or Postcards ‘ showing life in LA , but it’s me …and he’s got my number and wants me to try Botox and maybe catch up …… Shit maybe I’m still drunk ………. As Ally leaves an descends the stairs I yell out ” Hay Ally , you look good today , must’ve had something to do with my table .” “Troy , you can do this , I think you should visit my wife for treatment ” , he yells back .

I think I’ll have a beer 1st and think about it

I said I’d take it easy . I said I’d turn up in the morning fresh and feeling good . On a Saturday morning it’s prime time , everyone’s up and energised . ” Mate you’re gonna be busy , no need having a hangover . ” I tell myself .”You can’t be standing around with dog breath , needing to fart all morning whilst you rub your temples waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in .” ” There’s no coffee machine and even if there was you can’t be breathing that shit over everyone who comes to see you “. …”All right , shut the fuck up ” , I plead to myself . We’ve got friends from Australia here ..Of course I’m gonna be good It’s been a busy two months . I had the privilege of the boys from ‘Tanti Park US tour of the WestCoast ‘ event that I blogged in detail . Yeah ,we got up to stuff Just a bit of stuff .

Sine then ? Well , it quietened down a little ,but nearly every weekend we’ve been socialising . We’ve missed the 1st of a couple of birthday events back in Australia that I never envisaged not being at . Happy 50 th to Haggis and Dale . And of course there’s been many a footy event and shed night that has slid by …… why you guys drank and talked shit I was awakening to a new day on the other side of the world . It’s been another long summer with an insanely long school break , with Leroy not going back until next Thursday (6th of September) after getting off on the 21st of June ( I think ? ) . The waves have followed the same pattern as the last 2 years ……they’ve disappeared. Just as well . The thought of going to work and looking out my front door to waves I can’t touch is gonna kill me .Finally, the winter that just passed delivered a 2 nd time . After surfing nonstop and in less than clean water I now need surgery on both ears. I guess it’s a good thing the ocean has gone flat .

Now that it’s late summer , the nights have been warm , a ceiling fan is essential for sleep . The pink sunsets are beginning to appear .Its ideal drinking weather . Jesus it’s hard not to have a beer or 2 midweek . I gather once I start that trend it’ll soon be a habit . For now …. I think ahead to Friday nights …..but wait , I now have to work Saturday mornings .

When Duncan and Heidi dropped in on Friday afternoon before heading back to Melbourne I planned on having a couple of beers and taking it easy. Sure enough , within an hour we’re onto our 3rd beer before going to dinner . There’s burgers at Slaters on the pier , then Duncan and I hit the Hermosa Brewery and then there’s the NorthEnd Bar and Grill for scotch and coke ( now I know I’m fucked ) and then we’re back to our place to catch up with the girls ……at 1am !! Looks like I’ll be turning up to work hungover …….. Would it be any other way when you’ve got friends from Australia turning up to your place …..? With more friends coming I guess I’m gonna have to get used to it .

I follow my guide up the stairs , across the vast an impressive mezzanine floor into a side door that leads to a smaller room that would be 15 m long and wide . There’s ropes on the floor , kettle bells ,with pieces of paper stuck on a mirror with instructions to some sort of relay race . Guys and girls wander in , all Uber fit , the guys are jacked up , the girls are Amazonian . Fuck , what I have I got myself into . Management comes in , the trainers spread out over the back wall . There’s a short discussion on the previous month and then a congratulatory salute to the team ….. and then there’s me . A pause ……… “Ok , we’ve got an announcement to make , we’ve got a new guy , he’ll be starting next week , so let’s hear him tell us a little about himself .”………..Holy fuck , I walk into the middle of the floor .

I sit back on the wall and watch dudes with square cut jaws , bodies straight out of Bachelor in Paradise , the type of figures you’d see On the Biggest Loser motivating and pushing their over weight victims to breaking point . Yep , I unfortunately had to watch such terrible crap , that’s what happens when your married .These will soon be my people , I will rely on them to work the floor , to bring business through my area . I watch the team bonding , the happy vibe of very fit people competing against each other to celebrate another successful month …… me I’m thinking how a bout we celebrate with a beer ……… them , sweat is the sweet champagne they covet . It’s dawning on me pretty quick , I’m probably gonna have to be aiming at looking at my very best , all the time . That’s uplifting ,but shit I’ve just tried that earlier this year and it was just plain tough , plus I was looking forward to the weekend when I can get back on it .

Each person has a small dossier on the wall that shows their qualifications . Nutritionists , bachelors of science in human movement , bachelors in health ,you name it and these highly motivated individuals have it .I glance over their expertise ,the sense of dread sets in …. Fuckn hell old boy this is real , no building site talk here it’s all about the body perfect , carbs , proteins ,isometric stretches , repetitions ,calorie counts and another thousand terms that I’ll soon be familiar with . It’s all happy shiny people .

I walk past reception , the beautiful young girl says ” Have a great day Troy , we are so happy that you’ll be joining us “….. I nod and smile and thank her , all the while wondering if this is really happening , to me , an Aussie bloke at 49 years of age in this the flashiest of locations , the modern shiny front door closing behind me leading into the manicured gardens and clean quiet restaurant strip of this very wealthy suburb , tucked away from the maddening crowd of LA . I text Emma to tell her the run down . ” Shit darl , I’m gonna have to get my haircut every 3 weeks , shave every 2nd day , cutout the alcohol and junk food and maybe even consider Botox . ” 🤣🤣🤣, Emma replies . I look over at Leroy with his bag of chips …”Shit give me some of those .” I better take what I can now as by this time next week it’ll be protein snacks and tofu rolls ………….After 2 years and 4 months I start work on Monday , I never would’ve envisaged it’d be here .