I had an unsettled stomach and frequent bowel movements just before our Australian holiday in mid December . I put it down to pre trip excitement . Upon arriving in Aus everything went back to normal . Now I’m back in California the pattern re-emerged . That’s when my thought process was jogged into motion . The green tea , not my usual drop . On downing my tea last night I read the box . Yes it was a tea used for dieting and it contained a laxative quality . Shit , exactly. Of course I couldn’t sleep as my stomach had the Tom toms , and yes , after midnight toilet excursions .With jet lag still interrupting sleep , last night was the night I was ready to doze , but no my bottom half had other ideas . This morning a big swell is pounding the beaches ,but I’m on empty . Never mind . After school drop off I pull on the new wetsuit and hear a pop . I run down to the beach from our apartment and am confronted by heavy beach break waves approaching a low tide . Very sketchy , but I ‘l give it a go . This is when I realise I’ve broken the zip on my new Aussie wetsuit . Fuck !! I walk the walk of shame back to the apartment totally dry . The gods are telling me it’s not your day Howie , but fuck it I’m not giving up . I run down with the old wettie on and head out with the tide dropping .Shit this is heavy out here, it’s about a 1 in 8 wave take off situation . I get 1 , but quickly kick off . After 30 minutes I finally get another but am caught in two minds on whether to straighten out or get over the top . The resulting pounding and hold down quickly reaffirmed my suspicion . Don’t take a laxative the night before . You won’t shit yourself , cause there’s nothing left , but you might drown instead . Some days you get little messages , you can ignore them but you might just pay the price ………I think i’l have a cup of tea to recover .

14 degrees Celsius . Do I need to say anything more . Yes it does get cold , occasionally. Wet , yes it has finally happened . In fact it’s very Melbourne like .Still I doubt the 14 /15 degrees bit .It felt warmer . Windy , yes for the first time moderate gusty winds have knocked a few palm leaves off . The wind doesn’t have that Melbourne winters bite . It’s nice for a change , it might help the surf . Not a soul was out , not even me . After having a late look this afternoon , I kicked myself for not getting out there . If this was Melbourne there’d of been 50 guys out . Not here , not sunny enough . The wet ,cold weather is a major news event , me ….. yawn .

It’s raining , first time I’ve seen it happen other than a brief thunderstorm in August . Its eerily still , quiet , really quiet , unusual . Distant sirens can be heard through the pitter patter , there’ll be plenty of accidents out there today . Here it feels like we’ve been bordered off from the rest of LA.I like it , just walked down to the pier . Metallic , haze , foreboding . A storm is approaching , the ocean is calm but there’s a hint of change , lines on the horizon are visible and semi rideable waves are starting to show . There’s talk of 1 to 3 inches of rain tonight and tomorrow. I’l believe it when I see it . The jet lag has hit us with a delayed effect . 1st night we all slept well , last night … not so . We had to wake the kids up , they are tired . School has started , no easing into it over here . It’s back to work . I felt sorry for the kids and Emma . Myself … I felt guilty . I’ve gotta start moving , exercising , mapping out my future , but I’m stuck in my apartment , sheltering from the drizzle . Hiding from the real world .The weather has given me respite , galvanised my need to hibernate. ….. For now i’l stay low , but you can’t run and hide forever

We leave Melbourne and it’s brutal heat behind , for now . As I’ve said before , long haul flights are gruelling. As our new Dreamliner banks to the right and circles over LA for our descent, the beast that is LA is totally revealed . It’s cliche , but LA is a concrete jungle , in Amazon proportion . Welcome home . A grey mist has enveloped the city , it adds weight to the gravity you feel in the pit of your stomach . It’s not fair as LA looks a lot better than this on a sunny day , but for now it really is depressing . LAX is confronting , especially when you are picked up by bus and taken to the terminal . Its a warning sign that this joint must be humming .It’s unbelievably busy , a cluster of international flights ( Asian countries)have arrived at once . The queues through immigration stretch in to the hundreds of meters ,my toilet stop has cost us a couple of hundred spots in the queue .After 45 minutes we are mercifully taken to the front of the queue as we are a family . Emma is short a document , ( work visa)something she hasn’t needed to show in the past . A grilling proceeds ,then an extended wait for a special interview follows , we wait in baggage for another 90 minutes . It’s hard , Black , whites and greys . Shit don’t smile in here , and boys don’t skylark about . Your behaviour is watched .Customer service is king in the US , with exception of arriving in the country .Finally , we taxi out of there and the things that you’d long become immune to resurface .The traffic , the rat race ,the smell of exhaust fumes , the palm trees , fast food ,Black , Hispanic and the Pacific Ocean . Oh , it’s good to be back old girl , i’l be back in you soon . You’l wash me clean and raise my spirits . It’s weird , but it’s still good to be back ….. for now .

It’s over , it’s just us . We are being driven back to our airport accomodation.We’ve done our best , but still there’s regrets . Too many people received too little time and there were those we didn’t get to see . It’s an itinerary that couldn’t cover every base . You feel guilty, but this is life . We went to LA to give it a real go , an investment in Emma and our future . You come back here and it hits immediately, we love this place . 3 weeks have past and this holliday has been memorable. It’s not new people , sights , sounds and tastes . Its been about getting home and celebrating , chewing the fat , shaking hands , patting backs , hugging and having a drink with mates and family . It hasn’t really set in but now we are in for the long haul . LA life will get our full attention for the next 12 months and more . The kids have 6 months of school ahead ( they’l be pushed) , Emma is about to embark on a period that will ultimately bring out her best . And then there’s me …. I won’t change for shit . I’l always be a Melbournian and I will always give it to you straight ( with a bit of mayonnaise ), but shit , even I ‘l have to find a new course . It’s exciting and daunting all the same . It’s scary, sad and liberating , but guess what?…… We’l be backSee ya Melbourne

Emma’s packing the cases , I’m lying on the bed . ” Don’t you feel guilty watching me pack?” ..”Sure do ” “You don’t really”. “Of course I do babe “,I reply . I push it sideways and it concertinas back in waves . I get two hands around it and wobble it like jelly . “Shit darl, check out my guts , it’s a creature in its own right “. She looks at me and shakes her head and tells me I stink and that I need to shower . I can’t move , I’m marooned on the bed . Another day of lunch and beers ,and then dinner and beers and now I’m stuck , star fished on the bed . Hang on , if I stick my leg out and fart I can shrink a bit , might get off the bed even . Wineries , restaurants,pubs ,cafes , brunches , breakfasts , lunch and dinners . We’ve just about ticked it all off .Nearly there , more goodbyes complete , only a few to go . Shit ( yeah that’ll make me feel better ) , it’s been fun and it’s better than you’l ever experience in LA.

You’re tired , body tired , it’s nearly over . The horizon is within view , you wanna get there but it’s not a happy ending ,it’s relief .We landed ….and the drinking and gourmet began , and hasn’t stopped.83 kg on the 20 th , 85kg on the 27th , now I’m scared to weigh myself…… 87kg? I’ve been told my tshirts are looking a little stretched … No shit . It’s the Aussie way , you entertain your guests , and there’s no better time than summer , and we are the guests . Cheeses ( so good), cabanas , cured meats , salt and vinegar chips , all by the shit load . Beer , it’s been constantly hanging out on its air bed ….. my liver . Each morning you wake up after another 6 piss sleep and feel as if your coming down with something ,only to repair yourself with a couple of beers at midday and then your back again . You can’t stop us ,we are gonna go down drinking and eating in the name of the best company you’re ever gonna meet , cause that’s what we do . This is friends , family , neighborurs and inclusiveness . Yep , I’l be glad to stop and get into shape but I’m gonna miss this place . Only 3 days left .

You know your back in Australia when you eat pub food .Steak and chips with pepper sauce , oh yeah . No tipping here . You know your back when you’re driving up the highway with one eye on the roadside scoping out for speed cameras . You know your back in the game when you don’t let that fucker push in on me , after previously copping the same treatment a few times already whilst driving . Fishn chips , meat pies , charcoal chicken , I’ve gotm all down , and then doubled up . You know your back home when you drink at the neighbours bbq , drink beer at midday and then slip around the side of his backyard to pee on his lemon tree . You know your home when every second word becomes fuck , of course drinking beer at lunchtime can speed the process up . You know it’s summer time too , the scabs around your ankles remind one that mosquitos live here too . Watching cricket , playing it in the backyard ,brushing the flys away , finding the ball in the hedge , getting sunburnt a lot quicker ,6 and out , the radio playing music that isn’t in the ‘top ten ‘. Yep , all foreigners in LA. …..Streets , tree lined , the beautiful smell of roasted coffee beans , buildings in different colours and shapes , terraced housing , vanilla slices and all their delicious buddies. Coastline surrounded by ti tree and national park .Fuck it’s good to reacquaint with you guys . …. Hey it wouldn’t mean much if we couldn’t all share it . So on that note I wanna wish everyone I know a happy new year . We’ve got it good , down under .

I walked in prepared , walk out ill. I knew my guys were gonna be hard to beat . I’m fussy , something in the American style was desired . No , i ‘l not pay 4 times the price . I’ve backed the Aussies in , given us the benefit of the doubt . I’ve even come back a bit , adapted , reconsidered their flavour . Now I’m convinced we are not who we think we are . After pacing back and forth Emma has convinced me to do it . “Stop being a tight arse ” , I’m told . Fuck it i’l rescue these bad boys from the shelf . $55 for 24 soldiers , I swallow the pain back down and bend over . There’s no argument as far as I’m concerned, we cop it in the arse for an inferior product . Yes inferior . The verdict is through , they have better beer for at least a third of the price . The yanks own us in this department . Oh well I guess i’l have to drink away the pain ….. until tomorrow.

We’ve been here a week . Driving home from the airport I had the urge to take a photo of the green paddocks along the Eastlink . Yeah , I’m talking the shit farm . My left arm dragged my right arm with phone in hand and pinned it back to my lap . The appreciation of the landscape is magnified . The space , the clean air , trees and even green paddocks with a horse or too . Wow , I never appreciated it in the past , took it for granted . This is normal ….. not in LA .We like to blow our own trumpet , Melbournians . The worlds most livable city? Yeah we won that prize, but I laughed out loud to myself when I realised there were many competitions ran each year , often with Melbourne not near the top . You see these things when you’re outside of the hometown filter . Still , driving past Melbourne for the first time in 9 months allowed me to reassess: She is mighty , a hulk of a location and much bigger than central LA. The centre of Melbourne is truly massive , we’ve got everything squeezed in there ;LA ;the opposite , it’s a one colour spread into an endless sprawl . Congestion is a Melbourne problem .Traffic chaos is LA , but it’s the endless sprawl and enormous mass of cars jammed onto 6 and 8 lane freeways that set LA aside . The city of Angels is strangled by an octopus of cars , pinned down by miles of concrete and beige render .City of Angels? ….. No she is not . Soulless, fast , hot , spread . She is a monster that I don’t like , but after 7 days away there’s a slither , a pang , a drawing , something magnetic pulls on the pit of my stomach . I hate to admit it but I miss her just a bit , I’m looking forward to reacquainting myself to the mental battle of putting her down . Melbourne she will never be , home no , pretty no , ocean ….. yes . That’s it …. that’s the draw ….. I miss her water . It l be sad to leave Aus but I look forward to looking back at the mass from my safe place , the Pacific Ocean ….. I’l see you soon .