1am and we bank over the The lights of LA and then…… the dark purple of the Pacific Ocean . I was in that this morning , now we’l track it’s entire length for 14 and half hours before we meet landfall ( Aus ).We are on the new plane , 2nd flight . Please , let this not be the Titanic .Just cause it’s new doesn’t make Economy any different. It’s still long term torture . I’ve tried to prepare myself for the flight . I wanted to eat carefully , clean , hydrate , exercise , be content and then sleep . It doesn’t work that easily . The pre flight nerves accelerate body functions . Once on board it comes down to strategy . I don’t like to drink anything as I’m a mad pisser . Every half hour i’l need to take the horses for a drink . No , not up here . I ‘l hang on , but of course a secondary problem arises, flatulence . The need to fart every 5 minutes becomes an art form in release .Keep your stomach muscles tight and squeeze , but not too hard as to let it all out . It might stink and give up your position . After dinner the tension in the gut rises , but the toilets are busy . I’l wait , finally I take a leak and let out a 20 second fart . This is it , another 12 hours of this and you know what you are in for . No alcohol , no water should dry me out . Crapping on the plane is a phobia of mine , I ‘l avoid it if I can . I pop a sleeping pill , Emma has introduced the strategy , but an hour later I’m still awake . That’s when my dreariness is halted . Vomiting, I can smell it , hear it , it’s right behind me .She can’t stop . On and off for the next two hours . Flight crew are concerned , foot traffic constantly at my side .She gets up but can barely walk , the crew brace her as she gets to the toilet . I feel sorry for her but my next toilet stop is thwarted , I can’t use that toilet now . It’ll be destroyed .The next 5 hours are like this but I do get 2 to 3 hours of light interrupted sleep . Eventually another vomiting fit forces the crew to move the woman next to a toilet seat. By this time the pill has warn off . 7 and half hours left . It’s when you get to that final 3 hours that the mental battle is in full flight . We are nearly there , your arse is sore , neck stiff , bladder constantly full and an uncomfortable bowel condition dominates the psyche. Movied out , concentration span shot , flicking from show to show .Breakfast is the saviour as you can at least focus on something . After breakfast it’s Groundhog Day ; farting , needing to pee , probably poo and constantly eyeing off the toilet .With one hour to go daylight pierces through windows and then dark green . We are over land . Nearly , nearly . Finally , we’ve landed and of course we are stuck on the tarmac for 30 minutes as there is literally no available bays to dock in . And there it is , finally we are in the terminal . We are back , ridden the new Dreamliner and are on the 2 hour drive back . Ahhh , it’s good to be back

LAX is a monster . 845 on a Sunday night and we check in . Then it’s security . A thousand plus people queued up stairs onto a mezzanine floor that then stretches up and down like a folded fire hose . Shit , a touch of panic takes it s grip . We could be stuck here for hours . We’re tired but alert . Butterflies have unsettled the gut , the bladder is full and little shots of stomach pain send off warnings. No , I will not leave this line . Ok , I will if it means shitting myself , but please can it not happen now . An hour later we get to scan our carry on , relief sets in . Of course I’m pulled aside for an extra body scan . I wait , bare feet , holding my pants up with one hand as dozens pass me by . Looking me up and down . Fucknhell where is this bloke ? Eventually they pull me aside , squirt an ointment on to my hands and then scan them . All clear .Tex then interrogates me as to why I had to get pulled aside and I might make him miss his flight . ” ya keep going and you’l catch your ambulance” , I reply .1030 and we head to our departure gate , the furthest end of the airport . Suspicion arises when our flight details disappear. The previous qantas flight is delayed . Finally at the gate an announcement reveals that our flight will now board from a gate at the other end of the terminal . We quickly head back , I glance at my steps and I’ve pumped out nearly 8000 in the airport alone .Back at our gate we sit down next to the flight crew. This doesn’t seem right . We should be boarding now (11 15) But There is no plane and the crew are sitting with us . We over here one flight steward say that it looks like we’l be doing overtime and at least will miss the Melbourne morning traffic . The qantas plane arrives and docks . The kids are up at the glass and then …… it fuckn leaves with no one on it . Midnight now and the airport is actually buzzing , cafes and bars serving , the pint that I just happened to squeeze in is now exiting and still no flight . …..,,,,,At last we are on board , the new Dreamliner on her 2nd ever flight . The first was to LA , the 2nd Melbourne .Even at 1245 on a Monday morning the flight traffic has us taxiing on the tarmac waiting for our turn . Finally at 1am we are away . 15 hours and 20 minutes of straight flying . ….. Fun … maybe not .

The anticipation, we’ve all got it . Quiet . It’s the thinking , it’s stops you from talking . A 1130 pm flight . It’s close but we’ve got a day to kill and then the build into the early evening. Tex and I go surfing at 830 am , surprisingly good waves and a perfect start to burn off that nervous tension . Out there you’re anxious to take every opportunity . Gotta have a good surf to start the day on a good note . In 30 hours we’l be home on the other side of the world , surreal. Can you believe that ? In the Pacific Ocean , California . The next day , port Phillip bay .We clean the apartment , Leroy watches movies . Tex is is out with his mate Griffin . We are all trying to take our mind off it . Home . Australia we are coming back baby and we so desperately pine for you.430 and the sun sets , always beautiful but it’s one of the small wins that it has over Mornington . 730 and we’re watching tv but none of us are invested . The boys are starting to niggle , the clocks ticking and we are counting it down. 750 and Emma has called the Uber , he will be here in 7 minutes . The long journey home will start at 757 . It’s a surprise, almost everyone thinks we ‘l be back in another week . We’re doing our best to contain ourselves , we can’t call or post anything . Here we go , cases out on the path . …… Nervous. We descend Sepulveda way to LAX . The lights of downtown LA shining brilliantly , intermittently interrupted by the flashing night light of planes landing and taking off . Fuck , let there be no surprises . Please let’s get to the airport with no dramas and put us on the plane . We are not missing this one. Of course the last 2 miles become congested . LAX is surrounded by traffic . The last 2 miles take longer than the first 8 , and then some , but we’re here . The wait is over …,,,, Aus here we come .

It’s Friday, surf looks good . Yep , I’ve mapped out my routine . Kids Christmas presents , later . Tide 730 , swell 4 to 6 feet = straight after school drop off . Elporto , only place going . LA s premier surfing location , I’l be there . Crowded , of course . Options , sweet fuck all .Its nerve racking . Anticipation meets reality . Hiccup , Leroys gone down sick . Whaddya do ? You tell him to wait on the beach and watch daddy do some surfing while he gets warm in the sun . I’m doing the best for him . After all he’s not in school , he’s sick and he gets to go to the beach to inhale the salt air . Result = well worth it . I feel much better .

She dope bro , you know what I’m sayn bout my boys . Da waves were lit , bitchn even . Are you completely high ? You been smokn crack cocain or sumpn ? Are you a retard? That is retatded . Why don’t you go and kill yourself . Just kill yourself . Now your boy would like some of that lit candy .Oh mom your boy here will be needn a new surfboard from Santa . That is dope . What are ya ? A pussy . Here puss puss puss. Are you gay . Should see their crib bro , it’s bigger than the west wing . What the hell is the matter with you ? You must be smoking blunts all day. Ohh how strong is that blunt ( smell ). It’s beast . You’ve cottoned on to the thread by now . It’s not politically correct but it’s common everyday language that the kids (Tex) use in the South Bay . Some of it funny , some of it offensive ( to some ) but this is Californian kid lingo . ……… spoilt little pricks

“Leroy you coming surfing with us “….”No! Dad . ” “Geezuz Leroy the waves are good and Tex and I wanna go down to Elporto . “….”No! I want to go to the park instead .” “But I take you to the park nearly everyday …what will it take ?” “Movies , no … Lego”. “It’s a deal , lets shake on it” As Emma is in Dubai there is no one to look after Leroy if we want to go surfing , Leroy knows that bribery will keep him happy . And so it was , Leroy played bow and arrows on the beach while I took Tex out to Elporto to get smashed( previously blogged), win win . Back at home basking in the glory of my achieved goal Leroy reminds me that he needs that Lego kitt ,now!! Target has it . Here we go , the Sunday afternoon run to the busiest joint going . You see Target has everything , a supermarket , chemist , Starbucks , Sandwitch and all the other stuff it has . The joint is a mad house . The heartbeat rises when I head to this joint. As soon as you’re there it’s on . Parking , it’s dog eat dog . Even getting in the store is a 3 stop ordeal waiting for reversing cars and stepping around cars that are hovering to find a car park . It’s often like this in LA , the crowds are rarely off . Once inside it’s apparent it’s flat out . Every register ( at least20) has queues. After 20 minutes of talking Leroy into the cheap option I grab myself a nice little 1Pint bottle of beer to you know …. taste test and report back on its qualities while I watch the NFL and bask in the glory of getting Texy pounded while I … fortunately grabbed some nice waves myself. Fuck it i’l use the self serve aisle( rarely seen here) . I get to the front to find I’ve jumped on the cash only register . Back I go to the back (3 people) of the queue for the card option . I finally get to the register and scan everything when the beer won’t scan . “Sir , is that alcohol “. “Yes mate “. “Sir , I’m sorry but you’l have to pay through the manned register to pay for alcohol” . Okkkkkk , hearts racing now . I’m not walking outta here without that fucking beer . I queue up 3 people deep , all the while Leroy is telling me to just put the beer down and go back through self serve . ” Nup , I’m getn this beer !” “Ohhhhh , dad , it’s only a beer ” “I need quiet Leroy , or no Leggo !”I get to the front when the young guy asks if that bottle is beer ? “Yes mate” “Sir I can’t serve you, I need to get my manager ” I’m breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth and thinking yoga love .The big dog ( she was a big old boiler ) arrives and punches” in a code . ” Do you have some identification sir ” I laugh … “Are you serious “. ” Yes Sir I need proof of identification “. I show her my social security card with photo . ” I’l need you to take it out of you’re wallet sir”. ” Shit, ok ” ” What’s you’re birthdate sir” . By this stage I’m flabbergasted , shaking my head and laughing . The thing is , everyone in line doesn’t even blink , it’s normal , “Geez , why stock alcohol if you don’t want to sell it ?” , I ask . ” Sorry sir I don’t understand “. .. “Its ok , cool , shel be grouse “. “Sir ?” Leroys only 7 but he’s pushing me out , he knows dad isn’t playing by the new rules . I’m finally outta there when nearly home we are detoured as there is a charity walk on . My beers getting warm , fuck this I head into the back streets when I’m met by a police car blocking off the road . “Sorry sir you’l have to head back and go to the highway ( the long way ) as there has been a nasty accident . ” “Dad I told you not to get beer “.By the time we are home it’s nearly been an hour and a half and the game is nearly over . But guess what …,. that beer never tasted any better . I just wished I bought another 2 .

Today is Hanukkah ….. Leroy tells me this as it is celebrated at school . Weird , it belongs to the Jewish faith . I’m not sure of the days significance or why a public school would be invested in it . What I do know it’s the start of 8 days of celebration with the lighting of symbolic candles and various other activities.Leroy brought home some spinning top thing called a dreidel. You spin it to land on certain inscriptions that can reveal a victory .Apparently it can be used to gamble with .The Jewish version of two up. Judaism is isolated to select pockets in Australia( Elsternwick) but maybe it’s a little more open in California . There’s definitely a Jewish thread here in LA. It all feels just a little odd , but hey this is America ,oddities are the norm . Maybe theyre open minded enough to share multiple religious beliefs ( Christmas and Hanukkah). On a total change of subject ,we are back on the relentless school fundraising cycle . The hard sell is on . We know that our neighbouring school is posting out letters to every parent that hasn’t donated the required amount . Your privacy is school business or should I say the business of the ‘affluent club’ This is ran by select parents who run the drive ( same at our school ). These parents are in a position to exert pressure on other parents The politics in the schools here is foreign to most Aussies. Unfortunately our boys school( public) has to make up a shortfall of 1.4 million dollars .Recently there’s been the Sketchers run , the book sale , the yearly book sale , the coupon sale , The socks and shirt sale ,the Halloween fare and ticket sale , Christmas donations , the 15 days of giving, and a theme that changes every week . This doesn’t include the lump sum that your expected to donate for each child ( a thousand bucks ) . Ok I’m isolated here but there are benefits , hardly any one knows us at the school . I’m starting to think it mightn’t be a bad thing .

The weather has totally stalled . The days are breathless . The air is surprisingly clear and most importantly Tex is staying at his mates house . Yep , the house is in peace when Tex is not here .A long range swell has crept in , creating powerful waves that march in between long flat spells . … Tex has come back home this morning and he’s at his no sleep aggressive self . Everyone’s a pussy and Leroys baring the brunt of his usual arseholeness . “We goin surfin ” .. “Not yet Tex , the tide is too low ” … “I wanna go now , ” .. “Be patient it’s closing out “. “Let’s check out the front”….. “Ok” In the mean time Leroy is raging and we’ve had multiple fights and screaming as Tex is merciless. We check it out and Tex has sprinted home declaring that he’s going out at the pier . On the way home he’s rang my phone screaming that he’s waiting … That’s when it occurs to me , I’ve got a surprise for you , you little prick . I’ve been here long enough to know that a short 5 km drive north to Elporto will see a substantial rise in size .He’s up for anything and before you know it we are in the car . On arrival at Elporto we are met by glassy , powerful 4 to occasionally 6 feet waves that break hollow and quick . Shit , I’m feeling guilty , a little worried . There’s a lot of brutal waves and the highest percentage of top quality surfers that I’ve seen outside of the GoldCoast . ” Shit Texy ,maybe we should head back and find something smaller and a bit more quiet ” …. “Nah , what are ya a puss dad . We’l go down there where there’s less people “. Yeah Tex there’s no one there for a reas/. ” Dad I’m goin down there ya pussy..,… Fuck it , let’s do it , this is going to be fun . What makes it even better is two young girls also paddle out to where we are going ( pretty too ) . Tex has to go .We both get out unscathed and I’ve caught a couple of small ones when I give Tex the nod . Some serious chin music marches in ,the scramble is on . I make it through a serious fuckn bomb and look back at poor old Texy . ….Fucking destroyed , obliterated , his board sits up like a tombstone while the little fucker submarines along the bottom . I’m in raptures , laughing out loud . He gets up and then is creamed again by the next one . I’m so happy , sooooo pleased with myself. Eventually he gets out the back . “What happened Tex ” “I got fuckn smashed dad ,what do you think? ” .. I’m pissing myself laughing . Honestly , he can hardly surf but i’l say this ;he’s got balls , he’s a tough little fucker and when he’s angry( often) he’s hilarious . ” I thought the waves weren’t big Tex?”….,.,, “Shut up dad “. A couple of minutes later I watch a heavy lefthander come through . Tex is in the spot , he’s going for it . Oh no , don’t do it Texy .But the little fucker goes . He gets up all awkward and wrong , with guys watching from the shoulder , the poor little fuckers gonna get it , …. That’s when it happens . This wave barrels clean over the top of him , he doesn’t make it but all the dudes hoot him …. That little c:;:t .. .. “Dad did you see that ” . “What?” “Ya missed it , I got barrelled and everyone hooted me “. ” Bullshit” ” Dad it’s true. ! You can get fucked ” Yeah it’s hard to comprehend , I don’t like him but I begrudgingly respect him . He’s an absolute prick….,, but he’s mine .

That’s me , can’t help it . It’s not home , it’s not the best and there are better ways of doing things . Packaging , yep I can’t believe I’m complaining about it but a lot of their packaging is basic . They don’t give a shit . Just get the stuff sealed and let the nobs out there use their teeth to rip ‘m out of there .Not all packaging fits this description but there’s still a lot that require scissors.Fuck the product ,once it’s exposed it’s the publics problem . It’s like Emma’s old supplier back in Aus . He’s moved to Boston to set up his American arm in producing ‘point of display’and the like . He reckons there’s a killing to be made as the US love the attention to detail he can provide . And that’s it when it comes down to it .I thought coming to the biggest capitalist nation on Earth would have high standards when it comes to commercialism . No , they don’t . Standards here are lower in a lot of things and I’m truly surprised . Innovation , technology , sport,science , military,medicine .. yes they’re world leaders . It’s the basics , everyday stuff that has been one of the biggest surprises. This is truly a polarising country , and for me this is what I shake my head at . Standards don’t apply to everything here .

You’ve probably heard it by now , LA is on fire . Well , sort of .On the face of it there’s a lot of damage and destruction . Over 500 houses destroyed and multiple fires burning in suburbia . 5 days of saturation on the local channels . There isn’t a lot of trees and where there is ,it’s burning . Here on the South Bay we are a good 40 ks away . As usual ‘the bubble’ protects us from the real LA. Santa Anna winds (offshore)have blown the smoke out over the ocean . We are currently surrounded by a vivid murky haze . You can taste the ash in the water . These fires are in the hills that surround LA , fuelled by a climate that doesn’t see rain . The properties lost are in the more affluent areas , where there are ravines , foliage and views.To have the major freeway surrounded by fire and closed off was surreal . Think the South Eastern at Huntingdale Rd or the Geelong freeway at Hopperscrossing . It’s exciting in a voyeuristic way . Could it get bigger ? If these strong ( not) winds resembled a Melbourne hot northerly it would really get going I reckon . Hey ,I don’t want any one to die or get upset I was just thinking of the positives. Am I a bad guy to think it wouldn’t do any harm if it spread south west and maybe burned LA and its suburbs to the ground ??? It’s ok , we can rebuild it . Surely we couldn’t do any worse than what’s already there . Oh shit , I forgot . Disneyland is out there . Ok we’l save that and the let the rest burn . Nah guys , I’m only joking . You believe me …………. Don’t you?The sun sets into a cloud of smoke over the Pacific