A sacrilegious day is Sunday . The US is more conservative than Australia . You know that but I’m confirming it . The evangelical programs on tv dominate Sunday mornings. You’ve never seen a bigger lot of bullshit . Surely it ain’t real ,but it is .Once again California is far removed from conservative America. Californians jokingly mention that they’d like to be their own country and are independent from the rest of the America.After all they claim to have the 5 th largest economy in the world .This isn’t a conservative state .The huge gay population of San Francisco, silicone valley and they’re pursuit of alternative energy are testament to their modern thinking . California is ahead of Australia in this regard .They aren’t scared to put thousands of wind farms up and inland seas of solar panels ,all the while still drilling for oil straight out the front of LA. I think the strategy makes sense , keep using natural resources until they’ve got enough modern energy to make it redundant .Its well known that Trump is not liked and probably not welcome here . This country has its extremes , its bipolar in fact . They play their dominant sport on Sundays . That I don’t get but don’t question it , as I did . Leroys tennis coach looked at me with a blank face when I asked why it wasn’t played in prime time Friday and Saturday nights ?”But it’s the NFL he explained ” Yeah but why not play it on prime television times?, I asked. ” But that’s the way we do it, we play college those nights.” he replied . (College football is an inferior brand , a bit like the VFL)I paused and let it go . “What about the concussions?” I asked. “We’ve got the fund for that “, he said .”Yeah but they’re killing themselves and what about the lower leagues , what fund do they get ?”, I said.He laughed and said “well don’t play it “. They play it on Sunday and they play a game where they lead with the head with helmets that don’t work . Last week 5 guys were concussed in one game , but they’ve got the portable tent that treats them now .So what , they’ve already been knocked out . It would be sacrilege to change this game cause’ that’s how we do things here’ . ….. Ha? As I write this on Sunday afternoon ,I’m watching my newly adopted team ,the LA Rams play in 30 degree heat . They don’t play Sunday night in the West Coast as the3 hour time difference doesn’t suit the East Coast viewers .And p.s I do like Sunday football , I just reckon it ‘d be good if they play it Friday and Saturday night .Dont tell them that , though . 

They’ve been calling it for a while , a long range swell . You get sceptical , it’s been said and not delivered on at least 3 occasions . They get excited about their size forcast , up to 8 feet they reckon . There’s been 5 genuine days above thigh height in the last 3 months .I slipped down to my local on Friday and couldn’t get a car park , up to my back up , no all full here too .Shit , last option Elporto , all full , too WTF! On giving up I scored a car park on my last lap . I knew there’d be crowds but Friday delivered on my fear . This joint has been quiet ,even when there was surf . Today was a reality check , this is city surfing . A one mile stretch of coast with at least a thousand guys out , no joke . I guts it and head out , it’s not Australia and thank fuck for that . It was a circus out , but the yanks in general aren’t much chop out in the waves . There’s still some quality dudes that need respect but we Aussies surf with a different attitude . It’s dog eat dog in Aus but here there’s more love . They’re happy to be out in the ambience and sharing is ok , what? That is un Australian .Yep ,it was a fuckn mess out there , surfings basic rules disappeared. You see wave , you take off . Knee boards , body boards , SUPs , mals , body surfers , short boards , helmets , booties , gloves , 70 year olds , girls in bikinis , the fuckn works ! You gotta laugh , cause this is everyone’s ocean and we’ve all been waiting all summer long for waves  and your in one of the most populated surfing locations on earth . By Saturday the surf has turned it on and some of the heaviest shore breakers I’ve ever experienced have arrived . For the first time there are conditions that hold fear , powerful 4 to 5 feet waves breaking as close as 20 meters from shore , and with thick crowds . Every dog has its day and this Californian chihuahua turned into a Rottweiler today . Yep ,this joint is all bark and no bite , but today it’s biting , big time !

I’ve been scoping it for a while , been gazing down the line . How far ? Little dots flying out of the haze , zig zagging through the shimmer . They’re all old fuckers , surely I can handle it ?You wonder where they started and do they go all the way back ? I could drive it but it’d be tricky and I wouldn’t be able to see enough , gotta concentrate on the road . Some days (rare) you can almost reach out and touch it . Steely grey , no fog and wind , you know the days I’m talking about . You can stand at the top of Fishys beach and see Melbourne , Stkilda Rd all the way around the cliffs of Black Rock to the arc of sand that stretches along Patterson lakes . Malibu , Santa Monica and Venice Beach you can see them most days . Can I do it ,? Tex said his mates did it . I’m sceptical, when am I not?  Today I headed off , I took the princess’s ugly half brother . The cruiser , all black , wide handle bars , fucking cool . I hit the strand and I get the nod from a few , this bikes got status . It’s Hermosan and i’m puting the bad boy through its levers . Sunnys , hat and black shirt ,mandatory attire if you wanna be cool and important , not some fuckin soft house husband . I’m gonna see where this path takes me. It’s pleasant early , straight and busy , bunched up beach mansions and old money .Plenty of path traffic , mainly retirees in lycra and wealthy tennis wife’s walking their designer poodles . ( yeah , I know we had one too . Chokkie was a fuckn legend ). Manhatten Beach , it’s still straight but the path is slowly arcing in , facing more South the further you ride . This is the point that the beaches get exposure to the bigger southerly swell that sneaks through over the summer .Its also where new wealth and monster modern beach front digs appear . This stretch along  the coast has a procession of Portsea style mega palaces . Modern , contemporary building of the style you see a lot more in Australia.Past the iconic Manhatten Pier the path sits up high . I cruise slow , checking the old boys pick up the slow moving rollers ,sliding down the line on their logs ( mals). It’s quintessential California , beach boys , wiry bronzed old boys with long silver hair and the odd waft of ganja floating across the car park . It’s a slow descent through to Elporto , houses a bit older , weathered but remember this whole stretch is sought after . Nothing under 10 million for this 5 mile frontage. It flattens out now , I’m on my way past the Chevron plant , wire fencing , concrete stacks , rock groynes . Massive ,ugly , it’s a point i havn’t been beyond . Keep going , it’s quiet , the path hits an open stretch of sand , with old concrete blocks painted beige . It isn’t pretty , there’s no beach front housing . There’s a road that runs along the top , with an old metal fence , barren , rocks and tumble weed . The smog and haze join , its all a grimy yellow .The ships you see in the distance are now massive hulks parked out front , draining their black juice into the Chevron pipeline . It’s swimmable , not today , not ever but it’d be a mile I reckon. I spotted my 1st bit of reef , the swell catchs it , shit this might be a bit of a spot when the surfs up . Then it becomes apparent , it’s the large oil pipes that run out to the waiting tankers , the waves lick across the top of it , teasing but not breaking . It’s not wide enough .  Dockweiller Beach now ,it’s wide , harsh ,a desert on the beach .No one around , concrete pits all over the sand. The pits are for fires . Weekend beach party’s , this must be the location . You’d never see a council set up spaces for open fires at the beach for people to gather in a populated space like this , but this is the land of the free . I can see the breakwater but I can hardly concentrate for there is the constant roaring of jumbos blasting overhead . I’m counting them , 2 a minute are taking off . I told you a lot of people live here , there’s a lot leaving as well .Im nearly at the main water way , there is a large car park full of motor homes . What a spot to camp , right on the beach at the foot of LAX , with the twisted metal of the Chevron plant in the background. This is LA beauty in a different light , its masculine , dry and like nothing I’ve seen in Aus. Push Altona on to the surfcoast and now you’l see it .Im finally at Marina Del Ray , I’ve come to the end of Elsugundo and now must push in along the Chanel , away from the beach . I can see the Hollywood hills ,Venice Beach too ,it’s 200 m away but I can’t get to it , other than to swim the Chanel . Nah fuck it , I’m not going inland to cross a bridge at  the marina to trek back to Venice Beach . I like the quiet here , the zoo can wait for another day ………. I gotta get back now .   It can be done , Venice Beach along the coast in an hour no more , that’s the same as a car in low traffic. I’m closer than I thought . 

Californians in the Southbay don’t get it . They have similar views to the Aussies . I havn’t met a Californian yet who thinks gun ownership is a good idea.They think it’s crazy and are bewildered by the latest gun massacre .Of course I’m fortunate to live amongst the well educated in a very liberal and open minded area of the US . Not open minded to gun massacre . There’s a paradox in this statement , as gun violence is still a huge factor in crime , think LA gang culture.We turn a blind eye to that one . It’s ok they kill each other off as long  the peace loving open minded rest of us are not collateral . There’s been side effects to Vegas . Panic , the publics on edge . A college in LA went into lockdown on Monday , the kids went into complete hysteria at the thought of an active shooter . It was a false alarm . Now today my wife tells me a work mate just received a note that her child’s school was also in lockdown. I took the piss earlier this year with Californian schools implementing active shooter procedures. Sadly it’s a fact of life . The crowd presents the easy kill , it can happen anywhere . This one has shook things up a bit , nerves are a little more jangled , it’s reaction . Still no pro action , ..yet.

The butcher, yep we know what they do and we appreciate their specialty , vegans aside.Here in the states the term butcher is something they find confronting . You see they have decided to phase the word out of their shopping experience . It reminds one that animals are actually killed and cut up into pieces so we can eat them , yum .Led by the big supermarket chains and aided by the declining shop front butcher store , they’ve decided to change the butchers name to something much more palatable .The ‘meat cutter ‘ is the term used instead . No im not joking , true ,’ the meat cutter ‘. Censorship has placed its peculiar yanky hand on this one . You see a butcher is associated with slaughter and they don’t deal with it well , at least on animals .I actually feel sorry for your butcher cause it sounded skilful, traditional and almost noble .Meat cutter on the other hand implies the opposite . Ok , ok they do cut meat but give them their traditional title and who’d put their hand up to work with dead bloody animals all day .The Americans use of censorship is fascinating. Titillation is a no no but LA is the porn capital of the world , god bless it . It leads in to my next laugh out loud term used for a tradie , ‘the rooter ‘ .’ The rooter’ can also be called a plumber . There are plenty of rooters outside the porn industry in LA , they’re just unblocking pipes as opposed to blocking them . Yep , shit pipes too . Dial a rooter is a common site … remember dial a root written all over the park play equipment . I can’t get it out of my head when I see these guys . They can’t help themselves , rest rooms , rooters , meat cutters ,SUVs ,, cell phones , trucks ( Utes ) . They gotta do it their way and give it their own label . Why ?

• Just watched the Grandfinal at 930 on a Friday night . Went home at midnight with 10 minutes still to play . I know , holy sacrilege. It doesn’t register in the US , it’s not a surprise but it doesn’t exist here.AFL means nothing , they know and play a bit of rugby union but Aussie rules is a circus sport played in a far flung land . I got the late call up from our Aussie mates Emma and Garry . I was prepared to sit home and take in social media updates as the kids slept . True , I was sulking . On a couple of fronts actually .These are the days you truly miss , it’s the granny for christs sake . Secondly I was jealous , the gut feel was immense , Richmond will win . You mother fuckers are gonna  hand back the losers Baton , and you’ve jumped the queue.There seemed an unspoken agreement ; Sydney , Geelong , Collingwood , Western Bulldogs and then Melb WTF!! …. Richmond ??Haaaa ?? ,  Noooooo , that ain’t fair . You’ve just fucked it all up . Now as a miserable Stkilda supporter it is complete , we’re back to our usual position . Yep we (I) are back in our old diggs , losersville . Congrats Tigers , you’re nothing but c*+^!!!  Now where was I , oh yeah the granny . It was weird, low key just Emma(Gazboys wife) , Garry their kiwi mate , Mat and the kids and I . The game was an after thought ,like a movie in the background while we drank and talked shit .With the kids tired and nearly everyone asleep we disappeared back home with still 10 minutes to go . Over, no media no news update , it didn’t happen , at least not over here . Thank god , no black and yellow and tigers and eatm alive , and we’re premiers and KB and John wanker Ralph and all that . Gone. Half way through the 3rd quarter , feeding the baby , we are right into it . Thanks Gary and Emma we had a good time and happy days to my tiger friends ,   Pricks .

Approval , will be sent a card in the mail with details attached . Oh, shit now I’m fucked . When the card arrives you will be allowed to work in the USA for the next 2 years.No , hello trolleys here I come . …..”. Yeah I’m just out here helping the lady pack her groceries”.” Trrroy you need to be collecting trolleys” . “Ok , (you fat fuck)I’ll be onto it in a sec Jose “. “Did you say something else Troy”?” Nah( stupid fuckstick )mate she’s all grouse from this end   .”  “Pardon .?  ”   “Sorry dude just an Aussie word for all good .” “Ok , Trrroy remember the procedure , this is the beginning of a fulfulling and rewarding opportunity for you .” “Sure is Jose ,I’m loving the responsibility you’ve given me (stupid ^*+*). “”Ok , Troy remember to keep smiling and enjoy the ride . “”Can’t wait Jose .” (Now fuck off and keep important). Hhhhhhhhhh , I hope that card arrives next year . 75 days later and the department of homeland security has given approval for work pending on the arrival of the official i765 work card .My enormous resume has me on the cusp of some amazing work opportunities., Vons, Walmart you name it ,the trolleys are singing my name

 

This is is the fast food capital of the world .Its also the place where almost anything goes .Taco Belle has come up with the most brilliant idea yet , a clothing line . I’m not kidding , no serious I’m not making this up . I can’t stop laughing at the absurdity, but you know what ?It will work , cause this place ain’t normal .Fuck it , I’ve got an idea darl . Let’s go down to Taco Belle and get a couple of tacos , a big gulp and a pair of tracky pants with the nachos printed down the sides . You know there’s gonna be shitloads out there that will do it ,don’t ya?It could even get better when they bring in alcohol . I’l go down to Taco Belle and get some nachos to go with a 6 pack and the naughty negligee with the burros printed on it . The missus is gonna be real impressed , I’m a certainty tonight . Might even eat the tacos off the burritos . (on the negligee). Only in America 

I close my eyes and see Jack Riewoldt with the premiership cup , Dale Verhagen in a Richmond jumper on Sunday morning , still drinking . The Richmond nufties going nuts , running through the streets. Fuck , I’m glad I’m here . I’ve watched from afar and have been a non believer , they were shit when I was in Melbourne, now they’re gonna win the premiership ?Fuck , as a Stkilda supporter they’ve always been a common bedfellow , probably been sleeping at our feet . Now they get a chance to get off the bottom bunk and leave it to the saints and demon supporters.Tell me it isn’t so , surely the laughing stock are not gonna be left to laugh at the bottom bunkers .Ive been wanting them to fall over , hoping their luck will end but the doors keep opening , they can win , and I really believe it .Take it from a Stkilda supporter, it’s now or never , you must win 1st time , a 2nd chance won’t be grasped when you’ve got the loser gorilla jumping on your shoulder .Everyone deserves to see their team win a flag , especially as an adult . You can then celebrate properly ,and claim that you watched them win the big one .Its finally grand final day and I’ve accepted I won’t see the grand final for the 1st time in 40 years . My nasty pleasure in seeing Richmond lose has evaporated, they deserve to be the winner . I hope they win .I’l watch the scores as I drink beer , knowing there’ll  be shitloads doing the same .If the tiges win I think we Stkilda supporters are gonna have to lube up and starting biting on the pillow , cause the Demons look next likely . Shit tigers it’s your turn , you can finally get up onto the 2nd bunk and lick your claws . The alternative , sorry but I’m pissing myself thinking about it . 

Walking , always walking , clicking the miles away .You stay coastal , the ocean is mesmerising,the smell so familiar I can’t taste its waft anymore .I keep looking inland , up the hill and into the mass of powerlines . Beige blocks by the thousands , occasionally broken up by a large palm tree . That’s where all the families are . Down here it’s not real ,it’s transients and the ultra wealthy , and of course the expats who land here and desperately hang on , despite the extraordinary rental prices . They want to live the holliday by the beach , walk the strand and soak up the Californian dream . That’s what you see on those tv adds and now your here you’re not gonna let it go . Ok it’s a bit grimier and the apartments and housing are a bit tired and squashed together , but you’ve come all this way not to just work and visit on the weekend . You’re here to drink corona from the balcony as you watch the sun sink beneath the tips of palm trees. Today I finally turned inland , headphones , cap and sunglasses , with the sun always following . Up and down I walked ,stretching more than a couple of miles inland . I was surprised , the places were better than I thought ,even the odd garden . Still it was jammed , but there were basketball rings , kids toys on porches , the sound of crickets buzzing away beneath the small front lawns . It was real up here . You can picture neighbourhood BBQs , kids playing out front , leaning on the fence with a beer in your hand while you talk about the NFL with the neighbours.Don’t be fooled as most of these properties would start above 1 million and more than likely fetch 2 million dollars. On the 2 nd crest that’s when I saw it , a view back to the San Bernadino ranges . Beautiful, ugly , entrancing . A masculine dry mountain range that surrounds La , the smog hovering over the mass and planes. Yes , planes , 7 I counted . They didn’t look real , so clear, like toys dangling from the bedroom ceiling .Not Cessnas , big fuckers carrying people in and out of the jungle.I took a photo but it didn’t show , you have to take my word . It’s like that scene from Mad Max 2 when they get to the edge of the range and see the bad dudes buzzing around in the dust on the valley floor.Ahhh , that’s the little secret , you’ve got a view back on LA but you’re here ,looking down ,with your back just a couple of miles from the ocean .Im changing my view ,at 1st sight you immediately reject the thought of living back here , you’re comparing it to home , you can’t . This is California , close to the best you’re gonna get , there’s millions who’d dream to live in this area . Imagine if they new that this was normal  ,achievable , somewhere that they could live and get a well paid job and not worry about finding an affordable doctor . ..,.,,,,   Australia… better keep it a secret .