October 31 is when the big one comes .Halloween is fucking huge here . I wanna say it’s bigger than Christmas but I havn’t got there yet .Your shops are advertising , supermarket aisles are full of it and speciality pop up shops are rolling out . It’s going to be fascinating. The yanks go all out on this one . It’s hard to know why , but when it comes to bullshit they’ve got a good handle on it .Theres not another culture on the face of the planet that embraces the dead and all it’s myths . Our kids are already fighting about who they want to be on the big day . This is where I come into it .As you might of gathered I’m not tethered to political correctness, we’re no bed partners . Last year I was howled down by Emma and a couple of the other school mums when I revealed my costume for the school fundraiser. Going as the Taliban with assault rifle and suicide vest to the St. Macartans ‘T’ party was deemed highly inappropriate. I would bring the school and our family into disrepute. I eventually relented when the campaign ‘against ‘included the confiscation of bedtime activities. This time around I have come up with a brilliant costume plan for the boys . An absolute lolly spinner . Emma is once again horrified and is worried that this idea could backfire big time . No , I say , this is the perfect partnership between two boys that love to niggle each other.Tex is going to be Donald Trump and has already ordered his mask . Getting  Leroys outfit is going to be a lot harder . I havn’t been able to find any Kim Jong -Un outfits yet , but it’s early days . Once I get that I’ve somehow got to get him to look like a Korean beachball and then we’l have the Supreme Leader .I ‘l make up a paper mâché rocket with the USA painted on its point and then we’l be set for a real horror show . The Yanks are gonna love it and both boys are keen as shit on a stick . Tex is a natural Trump , he knows who number 1 is and Leroys the perfect Kim Jong -Un , the little guy who shit stirs the big brother.Perfect.The two craziest leaders in the world as dress ups is brilliant , if I must say so myself . Emma thinks I’ve lost the plot and fears that a little Trump an Kim Jong might not make it home alive . Fuck , what’s the matter with her ? They’re gonna love it , they won’t be offended , surely not . Don’t take this idea off me , not a 2nd time . No it’s going to go down well …….. I think?

Hollywood , Legoland , Disneyland , California Adventure Park ,San Fran , San Diego ,Huntington Beach , Yosemite, Grand Canyon , Palm Springs , Vegas ,Venice Beach , Santa Monica , Downtown , OC and now …. Malibu . Everything’s odd when you finally see these iconic landmarks in the flesh . Is that it ? Not all get this response , Hollywood and LA did , Malibu is a bit of a grower. At first site it has that grimey look that most of LA has . It’s closer than i thought . It goes Santa Monica , Pacific Palisades and then Malibu .10 ks would seperate these locales. Less than an hour from home (Hermosa Beach).Malibu starts off along a scraggly steep ravine that reminds of the start of Olivers Hill . I was prepared for a let down , again.On a side note Frankston gets a bad rep , put it over here and it would be a landmark.The sand at the waters edge is small , high tide would almost lap up against the many beach shacks that line the coast . They look scrappy but I’d love to own one . Their price tag would be astronomical. Malibu stretches quite a distance , the further you leave LA behind the more mountainous the landscape becomes , and a rarity , less populous. That’s the thing that i liked . The mountains meet the beach with only some very old and weathered buildings lining the Pacific Coast hwy, but it gets better . Instantly I shook my head , but you can’t compare to Byron Bay , Noosa , Lorne or Margaret River . This is LA and all those images of Malibu that you ever saw on television now find a home . We drove past the main township of Malibu and checked Zuma beach . Yep a triathlon on and traffic mayhem . Had a bit of Wye River   feel about it , remember , take the trees out of your view. This area is always crazy with sightseers, 10 fold on the Great Ocean Road . and fighting kids .The main town is small , sort of a cross between Balnarring and MtMartha village . Uber cool , littered with industry types and the most expensive cars I’ve ever seen . I happened to find the slash palace ( toilet , no .., bathroom .., no … restroom)and it was a rarity to be in something so nice . On leaving the gents I overheard old mate talking on the phone ; ” I’ve got 35 million if Geoff puts in 10 we can proceed “, not kidding , absolutely true , no mayonnaise.. This is the thing , your in Malibu , there’s lambo’s , Ferrari’s , old dudes with beards and 6 foot models . You don’t even in flinch , this isn’t the real world , it’s Malibu . Unreality aside , this is the place that has the closest resemblance to Australia . Gum trees , space , clean , coastal and relaxed . Emma had to check the shops out, of course. She even met an Aussie who worked in one of those aromatic type ,what the fuck ever new age joints that sold scents   for a lot more than the price of common sense . She was your 6 foot glamazon with a  large silicon package and a divorce .The old girl was lovely , something about that Aussie upbringing stands tall over here .In Malibu she looked at home .Its like a little piece of Australia sits on the out skirts of LA No wonder this place is your sanctuary for the Hollywood elite.Malibu point , weird , so close to the road and quaint . Crowded and straight out of a post card , surfers (mal riders , mostly)all packed in close looking for a silky little 2 footer to glide down . The point is actually quite small and it breaks similar to the Pines in Western Port Bay . It’s always crowded but would crank on a bit of swell .Zoom up and you’l see Malibu Point in the background. Malibu is a small village that sits at the bottom of a mountainous zone similar to Cape Schack and the surf coast of Victoria , while not as beautiful this is the place that I’d like to live if I had to stay permanent . Malibu , it’s like being in a movie;money ,stars ,iconic locations and you leave it behind after 2 hours .

Yep this is the buzz , recreational and commercial. The marajuana business is about to explode in the US , especially the hippy capital of the world , California. It’s hard to get a handle on exact timelines on which state legalised 1st . It’s a big topic and I don’t know where to begin . 1st I noticed early that there are dispensary clinics . What do they do ? They supply marajuana with a doctors certificate.1996 ,this 1st become law.I’m not sure that your average doctor would have studied the medical benefits of marajuana in college or uni . I’m not buying that they’d know much more than me , and I’m not kidding . I have a history and I’m not on my own there.There will be exceptions, that odd cool kid who wasn’t a nerd and pulled the odd bong and still became a doctor . Lucky prick . Plus you are going to have designated experts.Anyways , I can go to the doc and say I can’t get rid of the nerves and maybe get a marajuana pass . Then I can smoke it I presume and get extra nervous or paranoid , cool. On a serious level I do know this can benefit a minority . Cancer patients , motor neurone sufferers and a host of neurological ailments , plus post traumatic stress patients . I love that they get their chance . From what I have read , and I say this without confidence , that January 1 it will be legalised for adults , period . You can already have 8 grams of high quality cannabis in your possession and have no qualms , as long as you admit it is for personal use . You can also grow up to 6 plants inside your residence, cause your gonna need 6 , right? The spin offs are endless and I’ve got multiple trains of thought and bits and pieces that will have me talking for hours . Any one who has previously smoked this stuff heavily in the past will know that the side effects to the community won’t be positive . The commercial entity will be the winner , the rest , who cares?Did you know that you can be drug or alcohol tested whilst driving and refuse a request to be tested by the police .True.If  you can pass the cognitive test on the spot, it’s pretty difficult for the cops to proceed. Walk a straight line , don’t jerk your eyes from side to side and answer a couple of questions and your away . 38%of fatal car accidents have come from drug impairment.Not joking folks , youve gotta be smashed for the cops to take you back and blood test you .The fervour and noise from the business community is huge , cause they know that they’re on the edge of something special . The marajuana mogul is about to land , we’l be able to watch their rich kids on reality television and adore them ,and all the while daddy delivers his other medicine to the masses and helps fuck up the next generation. I’m not sure we are prepared for the consequences of this little baby .   Don’t worry i’l be back on this topic quite a lot  

Went for a long walk . On the way back I traversed my way through the Redondo pier precinct. This place is sort of your poor mans Santa Monica Pier . Out the corner of my eye I noticed hoarding with signage on it ;Slater Waterproofing .  I went over and introduced myself . The bloke I spoke to told me he was on $16 per hour . It took him 1 hour 40 to get to work from a place called Temecula and wait for it …… up to 4 hours to get home .WTF!! They have a union but you are expected to travel up to 100 miles (160kms) to your job site without any extra pay . He expects to do this for the next 2 weeks .” Nah mate, I’m not that keen on passing on my details , you have a good day “.

I’ve been thinking of a visual translation of what the layout of LA looks like . If you were to throw it over the top of Melbourne you may get a picture that you can capture . LA does sit on a Bay but it is wide open an exposed to the Pacific . 1st of all we’l cut Geelong out and  slice the Bellarine  peninsula off the map . Now you’ve got the Yu Yangs on the coast joining on to the great ocean road . At the point of the Yu Yangs Malibu sits , as you drive along this coast you’ve got the famous Pacific Coast hwy which is remarkably similar to The Great Ocean road .Wrapping back south along the coast you have Santa Monica which would sit right where St.kilda does . Venice=Elwood . These 2 matches really do have remarkable similarities. The same type of people live and work in these locations .About 20 k inland is where downtown LA sits . In reality LA would sit where Chadstone is .LA is not a pretty city. Beverly Hills would be where Toorak sits to Chadstone and Hollywood would sit 7 k directly East of Chadstone . Maybe at the location of Blackburn or Box Hill . The walk of fame reminds me of Frankston , not joking . Sorry if I’ve lowered your expectations .Once you drive south of LA your hitting suburbs like Inglewood , Hawthorn and Compton . The Ghetto , its Melbourne cousins …. Noble Park , Dandenong , Keysborough and similar in their layout positions .Moorabin Airport is where LAX would sit , actually this is a pretty accurate comparison. Of course LAX is a monster and much larger and uglier . Heading inland from LAX you drive through Compton and co until you’ve hit the San Bernadino ranges , once again they remind me of the Dandong ranges .The big difference is LA and it’s ranges are really a desert and there is very little green or trees , and the LA baisin is very flat.Disney land is in Anaheim which would sit out at Dandenong but reminds me of Broadmeadows.The attraction is great but the suburb , don’t go there at night , actually not anytime .Heading back to the coast from LAX you’ve got Elsugundo , it looks like Williamstown and has gone through a similar metamorphosis. Ugly to funky cool and expensive. Elsugundo probably sits at about Sandringham . Next is Manhatten Beach which is like Brighton but sits where Mordialloc does .Hermosa Beach (home ) is next which is like Elwood / Old Port Melbourne but sits at about Edithvale . As you head inland ,picture the Pines housing commission estate or anything similar and times it by 100 and you get an idea of what you’l see . Orange County is similar to the Mornington Peninsula only in geography. If you pushed MtMartha up to Chelsea you’d have Palos Verdes . After that the OC begins . Frankston =Long Beach all the way to Sorrento which reminds of Laguna Beach . The OC is heavily populated and stretches down to SanDiego and then you’ve got Mexico . At this point you’ve past Portsea and nearly halfway to Tasmania . The layout of LA is very similar to Melbourne . Now add another 12 million people and you can see what the density and traffic and a lower class that Melbourne might have one day . I hope that gives you a mental map of LA . Coast and ranges =cool , the rest ?

Emma left for Paris on Saturday afternoon , all I had to do was mind Tex and his mates and then drive them to a bah mitzvah.Easy …..ish .Of course things went down before Emma had even got on the plane . Texys little mate decided to jump off the balcony into the pool and got caught . My good mate Doug had finally hooked his fish and ensuing drama followed .You all know I love Doug butI best leave it alone . It was my responsibility to look after the boys so I guess I’m at fault for not having eyes in the back of my head , as Leroy was inside and they were outside.Yep I could’ve and should’ve been a hard arse and not let four 12 year olds use the pool while Leroy stayed inside and watched a movie but I’m loose , I admit it .After the apologies and grovelling to Doug all I had to do was drive the kids around .We rushed to one kids house to explain to his mum that he would be uncontactable as he left his phone at the synagogue. I volunteered to go find it as I had a feeling that maybe I could redeem myself . Once that box was ticked ,it was off to the crown plaza in Redondo Beach to the bah mitzvah , running late of course . After finding a car park and filling the meter ( always gotta pay) we hit the reception for only Tex to ask if we had Davids present ?”No “, I replied. Tex was mortified that for the 2nd time today I’d stuffed him up after making him apologise and now forgetting the present and his mate Scotts . They were both sitting on the bench . Hhhhhhhhhhh..Ok , il go back and get it after I find Scotts phone . ‘Is that all right’? (You little fuck )So off I went back through reception in my boardies and singlet with Leroy in tow . We get to the synagogue and park next to the playground, it was all closed up . Shit , i’l just jump up onto the fence then . After a couple of minutes it occurred to me that we stood out like dogs balls and passing cars were slowing down . It looked like we were casing the joint . Shit , let’s not worry about the phone , I could easily get shot trespassing.Eventually I got back to the reception with both presents in tow and even written in both boys cards , with Leroy tagging along and constantly whining about why he had to get dragged through this . 2 hours later and I’m finally back home having my 1st beer at 830 . At 10 pm I’m loose and relieved with Leroy in bed when I get a message from Tex telling me that he’l be back with 2 mates for sleepover .Wtf , I thought you were staying with your mates . Guess I won’t open that bottle of red then?2 fucking hours later they are dropped off by one of the other parents . I’m sober , tired  and then I’ve gotta defend my bed setting up system . Apparently I’m trying my hardest to stuff up their whole day .’ Ok , I’m really sorry Tex ,it’s all my fault, I know I’ve been unhelpful so now if you say another word I might just fuckn kill you . ……. Goodnight boys .’   Tex’s mates were pretty quiet the next day .     Yep it’s all my fault 

Ages ago I volunteered for school parking Marshall at the Hermosa Fair . The school makes a fortune by charging patrons $20 to park in the school grounds . They’ve got you by the balls as parking is tight ,especially when the streets are shut down twice a year for 3 days with the Hermosa fair . The volunteers were paired , my partner Vic looked after the money l directed the drivers to vacant spots . No big deal , I quite enjoyed it and we really stuffed them in , I made sure there was no room wasted . In 2 hours we turned over a grand for sure . Towards the end Vic asked me if I’d been in the military(me and military =discipline , now that’s funny)as he’d never seen any of the other volunteers direct the cars into the spaces verbally and with hand signals. Ha????……. Isn’t that what we always do?Apparently not , the yanks are not used to trusting a complete stranger with their valuable possessions. Most drivers were very appreciative of the help once parked . I’ve been thinking about this small moment for ages . As an Aussie you wouldn’t hesitate to trust your parking guy but here maybe not. Trust , it’s not so easily given over here .

Met a guy in the spa , I think his name was John . Turns out John had just retired as an architect. When I told him I was a caulker he looked confused . John had never heard of a caulker or caulking .He specialised in top end stuff ( don’t they all?). Says a lot about my work credentials over here and it says a lot about the way they build stuff.Walked past one of the many top end houses that are being built or renovated and was hit by a strong smell of hot tar . Turns out the plumbers were using the tar. Hot tar kettle piping , its often used on roofs . The point is ,this is old style but still done on some sites . I reckon this type of stuff may have ceased 30 years ago in Australia.Air conditioning is also no where near as prevelant . On a lot of these new builds I can’t see any sign of it . They’l sell a lot of these places in excess of 3 million dollars without aircon . There’s no doubt the masses inland won’t have this luxury . Creature comforts have become the norm in Aus but not so here . You’l hear ads on the radio calling out there site or exhibition with the added bonus of air conditioning, ‘so come on down . ‘ This place is fuckn hot , you want aircon . Ceiling fans are prevalent  and they do work but once again it feels old school . I think the large middle class in Aus has pushed a rise in living standards which has in turn modernised our building industry. Here the middle class is skinny , the market for creature comforts is skewed towards the wealthy , the rest make do . It feels Aus 70s and 80s . The fibro cement look is dominant and bloody ugly , but that’s the way they do it and on even your top end builds . Bricklayers are not needed .  10 m ladders are needed. You’l see painters and tradies swinging from their balls with a drill or paint tin . Yep  you’l see scaffolds and the rare scissor lift but the tradies over here do things the way we used to do it in Aus back in the day. I’m in California but sometimes I think I’ve gone back in time .

No one else blinks an eye at the money sports stars make over here .Theres nothing new in the big money that athletes earn but as an Aussie seeing this day in day out , it just feels out of whack . Take this bloke Aaron Donald who plays for the LA Rams NFL team .He was signed as a rookie for 3.2 million a season for 3 seasons . His position is known as a defensive tackle . He had a break out opening season and called out the Rams for an immediate upgrade . The Rams wouldn’t come up into the big money.The best players in the NFL playing his role average a lazy 10 million per year . So Aaron says I’m not coming to training and I ain’t gunna play wi ju guys until I see da green . The Rams ended the dispute today and will pay him  an estimated 7 million clams next year and then a new mega contract will be in play . When it comes to the cash the individual is always bigger than the team . I just watched an amazing little doco on a bloke called Calais Campbell . Check it out on YouTube it’s only 15 mins . The money that is bandied about is extraordinary, I had goosebumps all over . These sports guys become a business unto themselves . Their whole extended family can potentially be set for life off one contract and only one year out of that deal would be needed. The rest you could keep to yourself .You live in this country and stuff like this reminds you you’ve just slithered out  of the little pond straight into the orca playground . Deres a lot of big fish swimn round here.

There are little things over here that as an Aussie make you uncomfortable. You are often addressed as sir or mam .Sir ?really . Yuk , it feels wrong , it makes me quiver like I’ve got to shake off a coat of slime .I think it shows our historical differences. Most of us come from convict stock , the idea of calling someone sir represents a subservient past . We don’t want to be addressing someone as a superior ,it’s deep rooted in our history. We are no ones lackey and we’ve had out turn at bowing to authority . Of course it just represents good manners in the US . Hierarchy, that’s what we’re not good at accepting . Over here hierarchy counts for more , they’re a military country built on ‘victories ‘. You play your role and you serve the best you can . We use mate cause it represents equal , its team and it’s it endearing and it can be used in a heap of different ways just like that other special word starting with  C  .I’m doing my best to educate them over here . It’s not sir or Mr Howard , it’s Troy or Howie or mate.Gidee mart is a start , but g’day maaayte is better.